Moving On When You Simply Can’t
Over the Moon
The new Netflix movie “Over the Moon” is a creative children’s movie about a young girl struggling to move on after losing her mother. As I watched, I was amazed at not only the wonderfully planned art direction and incredibly moving soundscape, but particularly the foundational life lesson. That lesson seemed both beautiful and (truthfully) impossible: When we want to live a life filled with love, we must find a way to let go. The truth is that moving on is never as simple as it seems.
Start Moving On
The process of growing is built on a simple practice and idea: To continue and grow is the act of throwing out the things that used to work. To move on, we have to cast aside everything that used to work and find new rhythms. This simple concept is the key to progression when we are stuck. No matter our roadblock, we are tasked with the unenviable task of getting back on track.
Slow Down for Roadblocks
Many things in life make us feel like we’re at a seemingly impassable roadblock. While the mere existence of COVID is a valid reason, there are others too. Things like job loss, loss of support system, loss of physical functionality, loss of hope or personal goal, or the loss of a loved one can create what feels like insurmountable hurdles. These are not things to get past as they are intimately connected to us. They are often deeply tied to our own sense of identity. We must honor them deeply, and we must change with them as they have changed us.
Change Direction
We must aim our ships in a direction along with the winds of change that respects the gravity of what has been lost. But how do we do this in a way that pays respect to what has been lost along with respect for the brevity of life?
1. Give yourself permission to feel and grieve deeply.
When you are stuck, it means your best-laid plans have fallen flat. It feels like failure. It feels like a loss. And truthfully, it is a kind of failure, and it is a kind of loss. Whether it is our loss of productivity, capacity, ability to do something we used to do, or the loss of something we deeply love, we must begin by honoring the core of what has been lost.
2. Have conversations about what has been lost and what is to be gained.
Moving ahead with what life has in store is not something to do alone. People care about you and what you have lost. They may have difficulty in expressing this, but they deeply want to help. Express your feelings about what has been lost, allow them to mourn it with you, and listen to those who deeply understand. Find the voices of those who have experienced loss in a similar way that you have and learn from what they have to say. Constantly inquire about how what these people say can help you see your loss more fully or with more perspective.
3. Set newer, more realistic expectations and goals.
Truthfully, the first two steps can be lifelong in some regards, and setting a timeline for moving ahead can be daunting. Depending on the severity of the loss and the state of the person experiencing the loss, setting realistic expectations can vary. Some people need a moment-by-moment rhythm necessary for survival and can help them focus on necessary tasks. Some need only one small, accomplishable task per day as they are too overwhelmed to handle much more. Feel out what you can take on and what feels most honoring to yourself. You may be a former busybody who now finds themselves unable to get anything done due to the gravity of the loss. That is okay. It is all about a new set of expectations.
4. Build a newer normal.
It can’t be overstated that this process is much more like a slow cooker than anything else. It arrives on its own accord, but it typically does arrive nevertheless. However, you have your own part to contribute to this. Building something new means lots of unlearning. It may mean relying on family members or friends in a way that initially feels uncomfortable. You may need to hire out help for services that you may have felt uncomfortable hiring. It may mean outsourcing tasks around the house, at work, or other parts of your life. No matter how it may look, you cannot simply expect everything to fall back into place just as it was before. You’ll need a landmark to aim for and a cadence that honors the cadence of new life.
5. Remember, there is no perfect one size fits all set of rules or expectations for changing.
Unfortunately, these types of things are often only truly understood through the age-old method of trial and error. What once worked for one particular set of changes may not work for this set of changes. That is completely okay. Give each item, even if compounding in effect, its own spotlight of solidarity. As you pay respect to each one of the circumstances or situations lost, you’ll begin to feel change presenting itself to you. It takes a quiet listening ear to hear the voice of change. Look for peace wherever it may fall.
Honor the past.
When it comes to moving ahead, it’s encouraged that you do so with full honor to the past. You will one day be able to find a new groove but until then, treat yourself as someone who dignifies what was lost. You will find a version of yourself that is not completely defined by the past. Rather, you will find someone who has allowed their past to have a say merely. And it is there where a new normal will eventually find you.
Written by: Jared Pogue, LPC