Navigating Life after your Child Goes to College
Until last Saturday, I would have told you I knew what to do; I was wrong. I’ve been preparing for this day for a little over 18 years, yet I don’t feel prepared. Early on, I often thought about what my life might feel like after “the launch,” once my kids were gone, living their young adult lives. I planned and worked to create a meaningful life outside of them. Those plans didn’t quite work.
If you are still reading, you might know what I’m talking about. Maybe you, too, are anticipating these coming life chapters. It’s been hard, emotional, shockingly different, and a little too quiet, but I’m navigating it. I’m learning new lessons, and I’m in the middle of my own personal prayer revival, praying in the morning, at noon, and late into the night. I know God has always held my child, but now it seems the rubber is meeting the road.
It seems like a good time to share a little about what I’ve learned and what might be helpful for those who are also on this journey soon.
Things That Are Worth Talking Through
Money: It’s good to know who will pay for what and how you’ll transfer money back and forth. Remember that there are planned expenses, fun activities, and unplanned emergencies. We want to put ourselves in a place where we can have the most peace around these topics and where our relationship doesn’t encounter unnecessary financial challenges instead of spending time connecting and processing their new lives.
Communication Expectations: Make space to follow a communication pattern that meets your young adult’s desires yet keeps you informed. This might include some texting, calling, or Facetiming. You can use your communication to remind your young adults that they got this and that though there will be challenging moments, they can navigate them, and God will show up for them as they learn to lean on Him in new ways.
Potential Challenges: It’s helpful to think through some of your life challenges and what your kid might face. We don’t want to jump to conclusions or catastrophize a challenge that our young adults might need to learn how to navigate. They will need to learn many life lessons for themselves, and you can’t take this step for them even though we don’t want them to get hurt. Remember, the caterpillar becomes a beautiful butterfly because it has to wrestle its way out of the cacoon.
Things You Will Need to Adjust
Control: It is hard to accept that while it seems like they were just born yesterday, your young adult has come to the place where they take over all or most of the reins. The more harmony we can find with them at this intersection, the easier it will be for everyone. We have to make room for them to make their own choices. Common parenting strategies at this moment range from “You’re on your own now, kid” to “Let me keep telling you what to do.” Usually, a happy middle of support and a safe place to process their thoughts is what they need.
Accessing Information About Your Kid: Going from a world where you could get most of the information about your young adult to one where they have to give you permission to access limited information can be an adjustment. The legal system is forcing us to recognize their changing status regardless of whether we are ready for that. It’s a new burden for them and a new web of restrictions for the parents.
Increasing Your Dependence on God
Pray for Their Decisions: They need our support and prayers as we navigate this new relationship with our young adults. We want to equip them with the relational and spiritual insights and help that they need as they make so many new decisions. It can be helpful to remember that we are both going through a life change that is increasing our dependence on the Lord in ways we haven’t yet faced.
Recognize God’s Writing His Story in Their Lives: It can be helpful to remind ourselves that God loves our young adults and will continue to work in their lives. They are on a journey with Him, even if they don’t acknowledge it as we hoped. They must live out their own faith and come to new levels of dependence on God apart from us.
Building Your New Life
Seek the Support of Your Spouse and Friends: Each of us processes change and loss in different ways. We all want to be a good friend to our spouse and other friends, but we will do best if we recognize each person’s unique way of moving through this change. Offer each other support, a safe space to process their fears and worries, and room experience varying degrees of emotions, depending on what’s going on.
Find Meaningful Ways to Serve Others: When you are busy using your gifts for God, you’ll have less time to worry about your young adults’ every choice. We must remember we’ve entered our own new chapter. God has things for us to do and share in this season. I can already see some space that wasn’t there before, and I can only anticipate more space when I truly become an empty nester.
Look Towards Your Own Future Development: While it’s tempting to focus so much energy on our young adults and all the challenges they must now navigate, we can’t neglect that God isn’t done with us. We, too, are facing new challenges and can set new goals for our own futures. When we have things to give our attention to that are good and Godly labors, we find fulfillment, and we are useful to the body of Christ.
For some parents launching kids to the next stage of their lives, most of this information might be things you, too, are currently learning or know. However, know you are not alone if you find yourself overwhelmed, uncertain, and worried. All of us launching parents are going through it. We just might not all be doing it the same way because we all have unique relationships with our young adults and our own standards, hopes, and dreams.
Written by: Jennifer Stuckert, MA MFT, LPC, ACS, CPCS, NCC, Clinical Director
jennifer@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 111
Jennifer uses distinctly Christian counseling to help struggling individuals, couples, and families. She has served as the director and supervisor of the staff of Restoration Counseling of Atlanta since 2009. She has two decades of counseling experience, helping people gain relief from life challenges. Jennifer uses biblically sound methods with a specific emphasis on adaption according to personality and learning styles, and is also certified in EMDR.