I’ll admit it–coming to a therapy session can be uncomfortable! There you are, being incredibly vulnerable, and you don’t get to know much about your therapist’s personal life. There is no other relationship in life where it is completely fine to never ask the other person how they’re doing.
That is part of what makes the therapeutic relationship special: you get the undivided attention that you need and deserve. The flip side is that it can feel like there is a spotlight on you. You might feel some pressure to perform.
This is especially hard for folks who have a history of people-pleasing and might really wonder about their therapist’s opinion of them. This article is for those people. And hey, I’ve been there, too!
If this feeling of being on a stage, under a spotlight, trying to figure out what your next line is supposed to be resonates with you, my best advice is to tell your therapist.
Let me set the scene: Your therapist just asked you a question, and you feel your face getting hot and tension building in your shoulders. You might notice a thought telling you that you’re confused why the therapist just asked you that question, and you’re not sure what they want you say. You want to look away or stop time and figure out your next move. Your anxiety is growing!
This is the perfect time to let your therapist know that you’re afraid you’re going to say the wrong thing. It might feel scary to switch topics from what you were talking about to how you feel presently in the room, but it is the most powerful and helpful switch you could make. You are brought into the here-and-now, the real dynamic happening between you and your therapist. The therapist is getting to know the real you: how you think about things, what types of conversations amplify this sense of pressure. This gives you and your therapist an opportunity to work through the pressure to perform so that you won’t feel it in the future.
And suddenly, the topic you were planning to talk about in therapy doesn’t seem as critical because you feel heard and seen and accepted.
If the pressure to perform can be relieved in therapy, then it can be relieved other places, too. You just might show up in other relationships feeling more free to express yourself without fear, trusting that you have nothing to prove.
The CliffsNotes on Feeling Pressure to Perform in Therapy
If you notice yourself having thoughts such as,
- “Am I doing this right?”
- “I was just saying what I thought you wanted to hear.”
- “I’m not going to tell her I didn’t understand what she meant because I don’t want to offend her.”
Then, here are some general principles to consider:
- Honesty is the best policy
- Ask questions
- Tell your therapist if you’re ever hesitant or confused
- It is not your job to make the therapist feel good. They have their own support system, maybe even their own therapist, for that!
If you’ve ever felt pressure to perform, in therapy or other relationships, I’d love to hear about it! Email me at hannah@restorationcounselingatl.com.
Written by Hannah Clark, MA, APC
hannah@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 122
Roswell and Woodstock locations
Hannah’s philosophy is that counseling is for everyone. Just like we take our cars to get the oil changed, mental health works the same way. The check engine light comes on, and we need to take a look under the hood. Hannah enjoys counseling individuals age 18 and up. She utilizes EMDR therapy to help with trauma and PTSD. She also sees individuals for issues such as grief, depression, anxiety, boundaries, life transitions, and spiritual or emotional abuse. Hannah previously worked for a college ministry and enjoys helping college students and women in (or formerly in) ministry.