Part 2: The Importance of Marital Communication Goals
Marriage Communication, Part 1, emphasized the importance of establishing safety in the marriage relationship through the spouses’ adopting a non-judgmental stance. Once safety is established sufficiently, the couple can proceed toward developing a plan for connection. This plan must include goals.
Why Does Marriage Communication Require Goals?
Falling in Love vs Working on Love
When a couple “falls in love,” there is often a lack of concrete goals. The couple’s relationship may be highly spontaneous at this point, and the “chemistry” they experience is emotional in nature. This is part of why this period of a relationship is exciting and thrilling. Each person may be excited about the possibilities, yet the possibilities are uncertain. The couple experiences a type of good anxiety and preoccupation with connection to the other. Humans are created for connection, and the hope for it is often a strong driving factor in our motivations.
If there is an end goal for the dating couple, it is to get to a place where they achieve connection and consensus about the relationship status. Many times, the goals are not more specific than that at first. Eventually, the goal of marriage is decided upon.
Once the commitment to marry is agreed upon, the struggle and work of marriage can actually begin. The firm boundaries of fidelity and commitment create the boundaries within which the foundation of their relationship can begin to form.
Faulty Foundations vs Firm Foundations
The marriage foundation includes processes such as developing a joint decision-making style, power and role distribution in the new family, emotional attachment rules/patterns, communication of needs/provision of needs, melding of future dreams, etc. These processes are living entities and are ever evolving as each partner matures through life. A healthy relationship will continually work on these areas over the course of years. When a couple stops working on this process, they will inevitably stagnate and regress. Deciding on how to live life together and respond to challenges takes a lot of work, and it is unending until the couple is parted in death.
All marriages have goals and standards based on the preferences and needs of partners. The goals and standards may be low, deficient, unhealthy, or high, ample, and healthy. However, each couple possesses goals, even if the goals are unarticulated or poorly communicated.
Unarticulated Goals
When a couple has a lack of articulated goals, they are usually unhappy and eventually become disconnected. In order to avoid drifting apart in this way, couples must communicate, create goals, adjust goals, and carry on in this fashion. Creating agreed-upon goals will enable the couple to reinvent themselves in healthy ways and keep them connected as they do so.
At first, creating goals may highlight the areas of disconnect between spouses, and this can be painful. However, this pain is necessary to draw attention to the areas that need work and goal setting. If we avoid marriage work (honest conversations, past hurts, disciplined-careful repair), we will make it worse. If this process sounds too difficult for you, look for help! Couples often need help from a pastor, mentor, or therapist to assist them in creating goals for getting them to the next level in their relationship.
Below is an example of a very basic marriage goal being formed. This is the type of work couples do together and/or work with counselors on.
Example of a Basic Marriage Goal
- In making goals, it is good to start with the desire or hope:
Ex. Each married individual should feel loved by their partner.
As we analyze this statement, we notice that, although true, this statement does not make a good goal. One reason is that it is impossible for someone to “make” another person have feelings. However, we can use this desire to form a more appropriate goal that each partner can work toward.
- Transform Desires into Goals
Ex. I would like to express my need for love.
As we analyze this statement, it is closer to a good goal because it is something the individual can do personally, but it is not specific enough. The action is something the partner can be responsible for, yet he/she is not articulating how he/she is planning on doing this. Consider this next attempt:
- Add the Specific HOW
Ex. I plan to write my partner a card to express my longing to be loved, and I will share my loving feelings towards him/her.
This statement is much more concrete and achievable. Even so, it can be refined by each partner so that it is a “SMART” goal: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-bound.
- Check that your goal is “SMART”
In this attempt, we will add the measurable and time-bound elements to ensure that the goal will be effective.
Ex. Each week, I will write a note to my spouse expressing my love for him/her and listing one action that I noticed that he/she did to show his love for me, however small the action may have been (doing dishes, picking up dry cleaning, etc). Also, I will include a request for something I need for next week to feel connected and cared for (such as time alone together, serving together, or exercising together).
In this last paragraph, the essential qualities of a “SMART” goal are achieved. The partners clearly know what actions they are to work toward loving each other well. This helps the couple feel efficacious and hopeful that they will achieve the desire of feeling loved in a deep and enduring way.
I hope this example provided a clear and concise introduction to making goals in your marriage. Please reach out to a counselor today if you feel that this process has been missing from your marriage. There is hope that your marriage can be revived, thrive, and grow!
Written by: Nancy Messner
nancy@restorationcounselingatl.com
678-534-3824, ext.130
Nancy (Buckhead, Roswell and online) has a passion for working with individuals and couples as they strive to face life’s challenges. She has been married for 28 years to a pastor, and they have five children (ages 12-23). Nancy offers an objective, understanding, and non-judgmental atmosphere where individuals and couples can work on healing and growing under the light of God’s truth. She received her training from Wheaton College in 1999, further graduate work at Liberty University, and has lived in Atlanta for eleven years.