Finding and Creating Balance
Adjusting to a new baby is a major life change! It is essential to be as ready as possible to navigate well during what can be a very stressful time. Here are some suggestions that I found helpful as I recently adjusted to having my second baby.
To Help the Parents
- Let go of any expectations for yourself and your child.
- Allow yourself to grieve any disappointments about how you thought or expected this new stage of parenting would feel. Embrace the situation for what it is.
- Try different possibilities that might work. “Balance doesn’t mean crossing off my entire life. Balance means presence” (Catherine Keating).
- Acknowledge your limitations as a parent.
- Ask God to fill in the gaps in places where you cannot be there for your children.
- Let go of other people’s expectations for what you’re supposed to do or how you should do it. Trust your instincts. No one else knows this baby better or can love and care for this baby better than you.
- Ask other people for help.
- Accept other people’s help when they offer it.
- Pack a diaper bag the night before to help as you leave the house the next day.
- Take time to yourself every day.
- Make sure that your own needs are met. When you feel overwhelmed, then ask yourself what you need and try to provide it.
To Help the Older Sibling(s)
- Create individual time with the older children. Try to spend at least 10 minutes a day with them.
- Have special toys that the older children play with while you are feeding the baby.
- Acknowledge their feelings and try to imagine how it feels for them to have a new sibling. If they are old enough, ask them.
- Create a routine and consistency. Try to have them on a consistent sleep “schedule” as soon as possible to provide a break for you as the parent.
- Ask the children to help you with the baby to keep them engaged instead of seeking negative attention. For example, the toddler can distract the baby by singing or playing peek-a-boo. Or they could help while you are changing the diaper by providing wipes.
- When you correct your older child, also correct the baby. For example, tell the child to use gentle hands and also say to the baby, “Sally, we use gentle hands.” The child will not feel like she is the only one receiving correction (even though the baby, of course, does not yet need correction).
- Have the baby and your other child(ren) give each other a special toy. For example, my son has a bunny that he loves. I thought it would be a good idea for him to give his little sister a bunny, too. Then the bunnies could be siblings. I told him that now his bunny has a little sister and that they could talk about what it’s like to have siblings. He talked to her about challenging moments with his little sister, which helped a lot with the transition.
- Put the baby in a bassinet or car seat to meet their sibling. This will help the child feel like the baby is not taking over their place.
- Anticipate and expect that the older child might do some attention-seeking behavior.
- Allow the baby to take a least one nap a day in a car seat, baby carrier, or stroller. Then you can give the older child time to get some energy out.
- If possible, let the child go to preschool or perhaps have a nanny come during those first few months. Try to take a break from the toddler and the baby at different times.
- If your schedule permits, allow your older child time to adjust to any other big transitions a couple of months before the new baby comes. For example, if your toddler is starting to potty-train, it would be helpful to do that before the baby comes. If the toddler is climbing out of the crib, try to transition to a new bed a few months before the baby comes. Then he will not feel like the baby is taking his crib. Or you may need two cribs if the toddler is not showing signs of wanting to leave the crib.
To Help the Marriage
- Spend at least ten minutes a day talking with your spouse about your different roles. The stress of introducing a new baby will significantly impact the dynamics of your marriage.
- Anticipate changes, so they do not catch you off guard. Instead, allow them to change you in a good way.
- Consider that this may be a good time for marriage counseling to help:
- you talk to each other in a healthy way and adjust well
- you and your spouse talk about expectations.
- Acknowledge how your partner is helping you and look for ways to help the other partner as well.
- Have weekly check-ins with your spouse to see how you are both doing
- Make your partner dinner or a cup of coffee
- Ask them what the best and worst part of their day was.
A new baby will bring a lot of excitement, joy, and challenge to every family. Allow the entire family to have a period of adjustment. Do your best to sleep and care for yourself. In the difficult and good moments, I often remind myself that it won’t be like this for long. So embrace the joy and also embrace the challenges.
“When we encourage new parents to ‘treasure these moments because they don’t last forever,’ we need to remember also to reassure them that they will survive these moments because they don’t last forever” (LR Knost).
by Mead Reed, MA, LMFT, LPC
mead@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 115
Roswell and Buckhead Locations
Mead counsels children, adolescents, adults, and families struggling with anxiety, depression, communication difficulties, grief, and other life issues. She is a certified PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator and also works with premarital couples. Mead’s sincere desire to help her clients experience freedom from fear. She is passionate about helping her clients get out of the rut they have experienced and into new, healthy relationship patterns. She will provide a safe environment for healing.