Active Listening & Parenting

Parents may be wondering why a blog about listening is written to them instead of their kids.  After all, the kids are the ones who never listen. Right?

Please take heed- YOU the parents are the ones who can make the most difference in the communication cycles with your kids!  As you model good listening skills, you teach them how to speak to be understood and listen to understand others.

Let’s be clear: active listening probably won’t be some magic elixir that fixes things overnight, but it will change how you understand your kids, and in return, your kids will feel safer to open up to you.  Win-win, right?

Why Practice Active Listening?

Listening is one of the most important skills in life.  We listen to get information, to understand, to learn, for enjoyment, and to get to know others.  It should be a simple thing to listen, right?  Turns out that listening well is not hard to do, but it is not simple either.

Most of us do not listen well.  We definitely do not listen well all the time, no matter how good we are at active listening.  There are all sorts of reasons we don’t.

Why we don’t listen well

• Spacing Out: Our minds wander when others talk.
• Pretend listening: We pretend to listen but are distracted by something else. (We say, “uh huh,” “yeah,” “cool,” or “go ask your mother.”)
• Selective listening: We listen only to the parts that interest us.
• Selfish listening: We bring the conversation back to ourselves and our lives. (We say things like, “I know how you feel,” or “I had that happen too.”)

An Ohio businessman named Roy T. Bennett said, “The greatest problem with communication is we don’t listen to understand. We listen to reply. When we listen with curiosity, we don’t listen with the intent to reply. We listen for what’s behind the words.”

Active listening:

• earns the trust of others;
• helps to understand their situations;
• embraces a want to comprehend;
• offers support and empathy to the speaker; and
• builds a healthy relationship!

It helps you truly understand what people are saying in conversations, not just what you want to hear, or think you hear.

How do I do it?

Active listening requires that you make a conscious effort to hear not only the words that another person is saying but, more importantly, the complete message being communicated.  In order to do this, you must pay attention to the other person very carefully.

• Do not become distracted by whatever else may be going on around you, or by forming counter arguments while the other person is still speaking. Nor can you allow yourself to get bored, and lose focus on what the other person is saying.
• Try repeating their words mentally as they say them if you’re finding it particularly difficult to concentrate on what someone is saying. This reinforces their message and help you to stay focused.
• Let the other person know that you are listening to what they are saying. Have you ever been engaged in a conversation when you wondered if the other person was listening to what you were saying, if your message is getting across, and if there’s any point in continuing to speak.

• • Acknowledgement can be something as simple as a nod of the head or a simple “uh huh.”
  • You aren’t necessarily agreeing with the person, you are simply indicating that you are listening.
  • Using body language and other signs to acknowledge you are listening can also help you to pay attention.
  • Respond to them in a way that will encourage them to continue speaking, so that you get the information that you need. For example, ask an occasional question or comment to recap what has been said to communicate that you are listening and understanding their message.
  • Do NOT use active listening as a checklist of actions to follow, rather than really listening. Be mindful as you listen to stay focused and curious about the message being conveyed.
  • Reflect on what is being said and to ask questions to gain a better understanding.

Five Key Active Listening Techniques

1. Pay Attention

• • Give the speaker your undivided attention, and acknowledge the message.
  • Recognize that non-verbal communication also “speaks” loudly.
  • Look at the speaker directly.
  • Put aside distracting thoughts at the start and as they try to enter your mind throughout the conversation.
  • Don’t mentally prepare a rebuttal! Instead, take a moment after they have finished speaking to gather your thoughts and respond.
  • Avoid being distracted by environmental factors such as side conversations, phones, etc.
  • Watch the speaker’s body language to better understand their message.

2. Show That You’re Listening

• • Use your own body language and gestures to show that you are engaged.
  • Nod occasionally.
  • Use facial expressions such as a smile.
  • Make sure that your posture is open and interested. Try to keep your arms uncrossed; sit forward in your seat if comfortable; sit straight instead of curling away from them.
  • Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal comments like “yes,” and “uh huh.”

3. Provide Feedback

• • Recognize that your personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what you hear. Reflect on what has been said by paraphrasing such as, “What I’m hearing is… ” and “Sounds like you are saying… .”
  • Ask questions to clarify certain points. “What do you mean when you say… .” “Is this what you mean?”
  • Summarize the speaker’s comments periodically.
  • If you find yourself responding emotionally to what someone said, say so and ask for more information: “I may not be understanding you correctly, and I find myself taking what you said personally. What I thought you just said is XXX. Is that what you meant?”

4. Defer Judgment

• • Do not interrupt if you hear something you disagree with.
  • Allow the speaker to finish each point before asking questions.
  • Don’t interrupt with counter-arguments. Interrupting serves no purpose but to derail the conversation and frustrate everyone.

5. Respond Appropriately

• • Active listening is designed to encourage respect and understanding. While you gain information and perspective. Do not attack the speaker or otherwise put them down.
  • Be candid, open, and honest in your response.
  • Assert your opinions respectfully.
  • Treat the other person in a way that you think they would want to be treated.

It takes a lot of concentration, determination, and practice to be an active listener.  Nonetheless, excellent listening is a skill useful in every relationship and interaction you have in life, not just with your kids.  Imagine the difference using active listening techniques will make in relationships with your spouse, your boss, your parents, your siblings, your God!  It’s well worth the effort and time it takes to develop this skill.

Reference

Doyle, A. (2019, May 28). Important active listening skills and techniques. The Balance Careers. https://www.thebalancecareers.com/active-listening-skills-with-examples-2059684

Mind Tools. (n.d.). Active listening: Hear what people are really saying. https://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

Peterson, A. (2020, January 20). Leading with grit and empathy: Part 2.  [PowerPoint slides]. LRJ Foundation.

by Paige Santmyer, APC

Roswell location

paige@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 157

Paige provides a safe and comfortable atmosphere, where clients can explore the challenges they are facing. She also believes in addressing the individual’s entire personhood, assessing needs in all domains of life instead of focusing solely on mental health needs. Paige works with adults and teens around issues of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, relationship issues, trauma, PTSD, and life transitions.