In your marriage, believe the best when you think about your spouse. For a marriage to be a life-long committed partnership, the couple needs to focus on the friendship aspect of the relationship. A helpful way to diffuse an argument is to listen for what you agree with rather than what you disagree with.
Is your narrative true?
Be aware of the narrative you have about your spouse. For example, if you hear your spouse say something to you and you begin to feel frustrated or angry, tell them what you heard them say. You can use words such as, “The narrative I am telling myself right now is that I am not important to you. Is that true?” Most likely, insecurity is at the root of the narrative the partner has of themselves. Try questioning your internal narrative and how you see your partner. You will see in your marriage what you believe about it. If you believe that your spouse thinks you are mean, then you will only look for ways to support that negative belief about yourself.
Believe the best.
The book 10 lessons to Transform your Marriage, by John Gottman & Julie Gottman suggests that “continually replaying negative thoughts about your partner can contribute to a downward spiral of distance and isolation in a marriage” (117). Gottman suggests replacing distressing thoughts with ‘relationship-enhancing’ thoughts. He encourages doing this over a seven-week period and challenging one’s current thoughts with more helpful ideas. The wife and husband would think about things they like about their partner and then list a characteristic they most admire and love about their partner. When your partner says something that causes you to feel defensive, ask them to phrase it differently and tell them that you notice that you are feeling defensive. Love with a focus on friendship can lead to a renewed marriage.
Change your narrative.
Differentiate yourself from your partner’s complaints. The Gottman Institute website has many resources including 30 Days to a Better Relationship for $30. You can also sign up for the free Marriage Minute email, which will send you an email every day and new ideas of things you can do in your marriage. Choose to view conflict differently and allow it actually to bring you closer. An argument can be productive because it gives you more information about yourself and your partner, how you relate to one another, and what you both like or dislike. If they have a strong, defensive reaction to something, try and ask them questions to understand why. Have a sense of wonder with your partner. Take responsibility for your own irritations but not your partner’s.
Steps to Creating Newness in Your Marriage
Friendship
Set aside 10 minutes a day to talk to each other and connect. This is a way to show your love and focus on friendship. Sometimes you will have more time to do that and other times it will only be 10 minutes. If you have children, it is essential to make sure that you connect on a heart level instead of just talking about how to help your kids. Listen for what you hear your spouse say they enjoy and like to do and anticipate their needs.
Parenting
If you hear them saying that they are tired this week, then offer to allow them to sleep in while you get up with the kids. Continue to search for new ways to engage with them. Continue to ask each other questions because you will continue to learn new things about each other if you allow yourself to. Sharing new experiences is important as well. Start a new hobby together or go on a walk together. Treasure the good about each other.
Safety
Many partners do not feel safe in their marriages. To counteract either of them feeling attacked, John Gottman suggests telling your spouse what you would like instead of what you don’t like and focusing on the present moment instead of the past. An example would be saying, “I like to feel listened to.” Ask open-ended questions when your partner expresses their needs rather than stating your own needs. If a partner wants to feel listened to, ask them what you can do to listen better.
Contact us if you would like someone to discuss these ideas with. We’re here to help!
by mead@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 115
Roswell and Woodstock Locations
Mead counsels children, adolescents, adults, and families who are struggling with anxiety, depression, communication difficulties, grief, and other life issues. She is a certified PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator and also works with premarital couples. Mead’s sincere desire to help her clients experience freedom from fear. She is passionate about helping her clients get out of the rut they have experienced and into new, healthy relationship patterns. She will provide a safe environment for healing.