Continuing with our look at codependency and its importance for a better understanding of addiction, Restoration Counseling of Atlanta presents Part II of Patrick Caffrey’s look at this frequently misunderstood subject. As the title of Pat’s blog indicates, codependency is not what many have come to think it is.
Numbers Three and Four: Addiction is a response to pain. Addiction is pleasure seeking. We said addiction springs from the basic impulse of every living creature to move away from what is painful while hoping to find pleasure at the same time. Where there is intense pain, the need to escape it is preeminent. And the dysfunctional family is a virtual reservoir of pain. The developing codependent applies the avoidance behavior modeled in his family to his need to escape the unpleasantness. Since he can’t escape by leaving the family, and since he doesn’t have problem solving skills, his only option is to view the pain as the problem. His goal is to get rid of the pain with no concern for its cause. He avoids the true problem, and manipulates the people instead.
This manipulation has two parts. (1) The codependent accommodates the wishes of others so they won’t turn on him; and (2) then he sets about repairing the damage they cause so they’ll praise and admire him. The idea is to be liked by everyone. He avoids the pain of rejection and has the pleasure of being needed. This child is often called the family hero because his role calls for him to be good at doing so many things. He is the peacemaker, the fixer, and sometimes the provider. He is the one the family members point to with pride. He dignifies the entire household.
If this portrait of success seems somewhat empty, it’s because the person at the center of it is empty. His life is taken up with manipulating others so he can survive in a dangerous place. There is no vision¾no talk of hopes, dreams, or aspirations for the future. There is no joy, no peace, no love. There is only survival.
Number Five: Addiction ignores the true problem. With all the talk about painful circumstances, one may think they’re what the codependent should be dealing with. Dysfunctional families do exist and they are troublesome. They require the efforts of anthropology, psychology, and theology combined. But, the family unit is the source of the problem, not the problem itself. Changing the family won’t heal the codependent.
If our codependent were to present for counseling and psychotherapy and the clinician were to suggest he begin working
on fixing his family, he’d play right into the hands of codependency. Once again, the codependent patient would find himself trying to manipulate the conduct of others instead of dealing with his own issue. The issue is that he can’t change the way he feels after a healthy fashion or maintain a healthy, happy lifestyle.
His issues also include generalized anxiety stemming from his fear of intimacy and the inability to sustain a lasting, meaningful relationship with a healthy human being. That’s why, when the therapists asks what brings you to counseling? he often hears: My marriage is on the rocks. That statement is a distraction to lead him down another rabbit hole to Wonderland which leaves him wondering how he came to be so lost and why he can’t fix his family.
It sounds like marriage counseling is in order. But if the diagnosis is codependency, all the marriage counseling under heaven won’t help, because the core issue is fear of intimacy hidden behind the mask of Mr. Fixit or Mrs. Helping Hand. The core issue is codependency.
Number Six: Addiction causes problems. Any troublesome action can be found seated between two sets of problems. We’ll label them primary and secondary. The primary problems are those that motivate the action and the secondary are those problems the action causes. Having a toothache is a good illustration. The toothache is the primary problem that motivates the alcoholic to drink a pint of whiskey. Drinking whiskey leads to the secondary problem of the alcoholic’s arrest for drunken driving.
Up until now most of our attention has been directed at primary problems of codependency. The dysfunctional family is what initiates codependent behavior. Most of us would like to dismiss the secondary problems, but they don’t just go away, and ignoring them is just another avoidance. In order to prepare for the task of healing that lies ahead, the codependent person will have to identify and take responsibility for the problems his behavior has caused. Here are just a few character traits that may manifest themselves in the codependent. One can imagine what problems they may lead to.
- Codependents aren’t sure what’s normal.
- They start projects they can’t seem to finish.
- They lie when it’s just as easy to tell the truth.
- They judge themselves very severely.
- It’s hard for them to have fun.
- They take themselves too seriously.
- Intimacy is uncomfortable for them.
- They tend to over-react.
- They worry about what others think.
- They usually think they’re different.
- They have to be super responsible.
- Their loyalty is often undeserved.
- They tend to act on impulse.
The basic problem faced by the codependent is the one we spoke of earlier. It’s the inability to enter into and sustain an intimate relationship with another person. Anxiety prompted by intimacy makes the codependent avoid honest sharing of himself with another. Closeness produces an awareness of vulnerability he cannot tolerate. Long ago he learned it was unsafe to share his thoughts or to trust anyone with his feelings. He may have even lost touch with those feelings, and when invited to share them, he is embarrassed and awkward. This lowers his self confidence.
The need for avoidance leads to behaviors which drive others away. He picks fights, finds fault, or ridicules. Arrogance, hostility, anger, or any number of hurtful things are directed at persons who draw too near. When the target of such behavior is the codependent’s spouse, we have the makings of disaster.
A note about intimacy: sometimes intimacy is used to mean sexual intercourse. This may lead to the idea that codependents have problems with sex. This may be the case with some, and when it is, aberrant sexual pursuits may surface. These may include pornography, prostitution or going to strip clubs. These activities depersonalize and objectify relationships and do away with the call to intimacy. On the other hand, some may also choose sex as a substitute for true closeness so that sexual intercourse even with a spouse becomes a means of avoiding intimacy instead of fulfilling it. Again the codependent controls persons in his life by manipulating them.
The most definitive, dysfunctional behavior is reflected in the sort of person the codependent is attracted to and with whom he is likely to strike up a relationship. This extends to the dynamic between the participants. Earlier we referred to the participants as the knight in shining armor, and the damsel in distress. The one to whom the codependent is attracted is invariably a weaker personality with low self-esteem who lacks assertiveness. Often this person is an alcoholic. These conditions allow the codependent to retain control over the way the relationship plays out.
The relationship can be represented as a rising and falling line moving between two parallel straight lines. One line is the boundary which can only be crossed by achieving wellness and the other by dying. Remaining within the boundaries requires that the persons in the relationship remain unwell but alive and their efforts are devoted to doing so; that is, surviving by maintaining the status quo. The relationship rises high enough to touch the wellness line, then falls until it nearly touches the line labeled death. The middle line continues this course up and. It never moves above the wellness line or below the death line.
The participants travel together between the lines, each doing his job. It is the codependent’s job to keep the alcoholic alive and to keep him from getting well. It is the alcoholics job to comply with the system and preserve the status quo. If either of them crosses the upper, wellness line alone, that person becomes well; but the relationship ends, because the other remains behind ¾ alive and unwell. If either crosses the lower, death line, this ends the relationship for obvious reasons. There is another possibility. If both cross the upper line into wellness, the relationship still ends because the codependency upon which it was founded no longer exists.
So long as the relationship remains a codependent one, neither the alcoholic nor the codependent escapes it. The dynamic depends on the alcoholic relinquishing responsibility for his or her actions, and the codependent deriving significance from helping; that is, from controlling another. The trap (and yes, it is a trap) is
maintained by the codependent with the consent of the unsuspecting alcoholic.
The codependent often encounters the alcoholic on the downward slope, moving toward the death line. He rescues her and sets her on the path toward wellness. This may involve taking her to detox, getting her into treatment, encouraging her to go to AA and generally supporting her recovery. During this time the couple experiences a mutual attraction which they interpret as falling in love. Fueled by feel-good neurotransmitters in the reward circuit of the brain, this happy feeling keeps them from seeing how dangerously unhealthy the relationship truly is. When the problems are pointed out, the reply is often: our love can overcome all that. But it isn’t love that serves the divorce papers. It’s codependency.
The relationship follows an upward path until the alcoholic comes dangerously close to crossing into wellness, and suddenly the codependent’s tactics change. He begins to neglect her or attack her personally: her character, her appearance or her intelligence. He makes deriding comments or resorts to name-calling and public humiliation. As her self confidence declines, he may take her to dinner and suggest she have just one glass of wine to relax, or he might buy a six-pack and leave it in the refrigerator for her to find. When she relapses under the pressure, he lets her plummet until she’s comfortably close to the death line. Then he rushes to the rescue, and the roller-coaster sweeps upward once more.
Why does the codependent act this way? By now it should be obvious. There is a release from anxiety and a sense of personal well-being in the control he derives from helping someone else. Remember, helping is to the codependent what drinking is to the alcoholic. The codependent’s significance and value depend upon a relationship with someone who is not well. Should the alcoholic find sobriety, the codependent will find himself out of a job. The same applies if the person dies. Therefore both must be prevented. Remember also, the codependent doesn’t know how to relate to a well person. Neither can he conceive of himself as being well.
We’re approaching the end of this discussion, and we need to look at a behavior frequently seen in codependents. It’s called enabling. Taken out of context, this term has a positive ring to it. To enable means to help, but help in the hands of the codependent always boomerangs. Enabling is anything the codependent does to interfere with the negative consequences of inappropriate behavior. When enabling occurs, instead of learning to change his behavior, the addict will be encouraged to continue his problem behavior because it is without consequence. When the codependent bails the drunk driver out of jail, he encourages him to drink and drive again. Enabling is just another device available to the codependent who wishes to discourage another from crossing over the line into wellness. Yes, the enabler helps the sick person ¾ he helps him stay sick.
Number Seven: Addiction can be treated. This brings us to the million dollar question. How can the codependent be helped? If we remember that codependency is an addiction characterized by behaviors that fail to address the underlying sources of pain, then the answer is he must follow the same path the alcoholic or gambling addict must travel to find healing. This begins with a commitment to abstinence. As the alcoholic abstains from his drug of choice, the codependent must compile an extensive inventory of
codependent behaviors that are specifically his, and begin to eliminate those behaviors. He will probably require the help of a therapist to guide him and a circle of support persons who will hold him accountable.
Incidentally, for the past 70 years recovering alcoholics have been turning to Alcoholics Anonymous for needed support. Although not as numerous as AA groups, in some areas there are twelve step groups dedicated to codependency. They may be called Codependents Anonymous.
Putting a stop to codependent conduct does not solve the problem any more than stopping drinking cures the alcoholic. However, recovery can’t take place if addictive behavior remains. Recovery calls for change, and one cannot change and remain the same.
Letting go of old behaviors helps the codependent realize how his actions have been hiding the causes of his pain. His old behavior tricks him into thinking his problems are solved. A sense of control creates an illusion of wellness. But when the codependent is without those behavioral defenses, the underlying, emotional sources of distress are exposed which makes them targets for healing and change. A simpler way of saying that is: when we confront the cause, we can work on the problem.
The final leg on the journey calls for relapse prevention. This means learning new ways of coping with old issues. The process is often difficult, more often challenging, but finally rewarding. Don’t think what we have said is a call to unilateral action or isolation. The healing of codependency doesn’t call for separation. It calls for persons working interdependently toward productive, positive goals. The truly healthy partnership involves individuals who contribute equally to the relationship.
The codependent individual will probably require the help of a therapist to guide him and a circle of support persons who will hold him accountable.
Patrick Caffrey, LPC[trx_image url=”https://restorationcounselingatl.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/02/Pat-PP-300×300.jpg” align=”left” shape=”square” top=”inherit” bottom=”inherit” left=”inherit” right=”inherit”]Patrick Caffrey, MS, LPC is a member of the Restoration Counseling therapy staff. He specializes in the area of addictions including alcoholism, drug abuse, codependency, adult children of alcoholics, and related family issues. He is the author of a number of published books on physical, mental, and spiritual recovery from addiction. Copies are available at the Restoration office in Roswell, Georgia or on Amazon.com. Appearing in two parts, the preceding article is excerpted from a chapter on codependency in Pat’s book entitled Beyond Denial.
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