How Do You War With Your Dependency and Immaturity?
We have spent several articles exploring the five essential aspects of humanity that we are meant to develop (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3a, Part 3b). This is the third installment exploring how we war with these realities through survival strategies that deviate from the natural developmental process God has designed. In this article, we will explore tactics we select to evade the experience of being born dependent (with needs and wants) and being born immature (not fully formed).
Born Needing and Wanting
We enter into this world completely at the mercy of those around us. Our brilliantly designed bodies give us physical cues (hunger pangs, sweating, parched mouths, yawning, etc.) and emotional cues (burning chest, pit in our stomach, tension in our shoulders, heaviness in our chest, etc.). These help us experience and communicate our state of need to those we rely on. Initially, our ability to communicate is indirect through our non-verbal communication or the pre-verbal noises we can utilize to convey our experience such as crying, cooing, and grunting.
The support system around us is vital in assisting our initiation and our acclimation to this world. We are born experts of the felt experience of our existence, but in complete need of others to mirror, engage with, tend to, and provide for the physical and emotional needs we are inundated with from our first breath. This support initiates our journey to understand our body’s communication about our needs and desires, encouraging us to embrace our dependence on God and interdependence with others.
If the assistance we were created for was unavailable or regularly inconsistent, we unconsciously adapt to survive.
Strategies to War with Our Dependence
Three categories emerge as we continue to explore Pia Mellody’s discoveries in Facing Codependence and our adapted chart (see Part 1). These survival strategies are reactions to being unable to secure the assistance we require to accept being born dependent and to embrace gradually learning how to navigate our needs and wants maturely. Take a look at the below categories to begin the process of identifying your personal maneuvers.
- Too Needy and Wanting
- Aware of needs and wants
- Limited practice and invitation to learn to take ownership of needs and wants
- Energy directed toward securing assistance
- Anti-dependent
- Aware of and able to own independent needs and wants
- Endured subtle or explicit attacks for expressed needs or wants
- Avoids the risk of asking for help and struggles through areas of inexperience and interdependence alone
- Needless and Want-less
- Limited awareness of needs and wants
- Experienced little to no acknowledgment of needs and wants
- Disconnected from cues around needs and wants that lead to action
Each path, while creative and initially helpful, disrupts our ability to extend love generously and soak up love deeply. We are all meant to be deeply loved as we own our needs and desires. Revealing these is vital in cultivating a fulfilling life.
Born Not Fully Formed
Alongside our dependency, each and every one of us is tasked with entering this world unformed, invited to participate in the slow process of maturing over time. We scoot and crawl before we walk, and we walk before we run, jump, or ride our bike. We spit out and throw food before we learn to use our utensils; and, unless you are eating wings or ribs, avoid wearing your food as you gain more mastery. Alongside our physical maturation and skill development, we also form emotionally, spiritually, sexually, financially, and relationally.
This process of forming often involves trial and error. We make choices, discover outcomes, and evaluate if we want to make any adjustments based on what we are learning. As we are forming, our environment responds to this reality differently. If we are met with grace and truth as we learn, we find our way toward building the skills and capacities needed to navigate the complexity of life. However, if our environment is missing a balanced diet of grace and truth, we again reach for protective maneuvers that allow us to survive an environment lacking the nutrients we need.
Strategies to War with Our Immaturity
Warring on this front can occur in two different directions. If we find ourselves in an environment that lacks grace and demands maturity before its time, we can be prone to resist the reality of our immaturity and skip steps through over-functioning. Whereas an environment without an appropriate dose of truth will invite the second shift towards resisting maturity and the necessity of learning and growing through each developmental stage.
Denying our immaturity and being overly mature takes a controlling approach to navigating life and relationships. On the other hand, functioning with less maturity than our age resists responsibility and structure. This creates a life and relationships full of chaos. Both miss out on the beauty and goodness naturally provided through owning the reality that we are created in need of formation and meant to surrender to a formation process.
Reengaging the Narrow Path
Exploring our tendencies on these fronts can have complexity. You might use different strategies depending on the relationship or realm you are traversing. Watch out for underlying beliefs (often identity statements such as “I am…”) and unhelpful versions of guilt, shame, disgust, and self-contempt that rise up to crush us, derail us, or drive us towards anxious action. Consider the fruit of the Spirit here. Notice the way you relate to yourself upon discovery of your strategies. Look up the definitions of each fruit. Consider what might be nice to receive as a starting point to combating counterproductive pressure.
We reengage the narrow path of God’s design for our flourishing by creating space for the natural developmental process to resume. Follow any instinctual intrigue or curiosity that has stirred in our time together. Ask God to journey with you towards the next step He has for you!
Written by: Becca Cline, LPC
Online Counseling Team
becca@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 156
Becca works with male and female clients who are 13 years or older. She sees couples, families, and individuals. She has worked with clients dealing with various issues, including depression, anxiety, addiction, grief/loss, trauma, abuse, spiritual issues, sexuality, family-of-origin issues, codependency, anger, and interpersonal and relationship issues.