“That’s the thing. I don’t really know how to parent!”
These were the words that were whispered to me in a low-toned voice by a good friend of mine the other week. They were strange, unexpected, and, most importantly, surprising. These words came from the mouth of someone I greatly respected, especially in the realm of parenting. At first, I didn’t know what to say as I thought they might have asked me for an answer to some question that I missed them asking. But upon further reflection, I realized that there was no question there; there was only an honest statement that left me with questions.
Learning to Give the Best
It’s no secret that there is no way to prepare ourselves for parenthood. Nor is there some magic parenting class everyone must take before becoming a parent (though that is never a bad idea). But most parents, particularly parents of newborns, care deeply about their children and want the best for them. Upon reflecting on the conversation with my aforementioned friend, I realized that it is the act of wanting the best that keeps us as parents from actually giving what we have to our children. That is to say; it is our idea of what we think the best actually means and how that level of self-imposed pressure actually keeps us from giving our kids what they truly desire.
A Successful Formula?
I realized that we tend to see parenthood the same way we see dieting. We see these giant steps that we have to take, massive decreases in calorie intake, all the foods we have to develop the willpower not to eat, and all the self-imposed pressure we tend to intake upon ourselves to be perfect. But as anyone who has successfully lost weight and kept it off will ever tell you, that formula is not the formula to lose weight – that is the formula to misery. The formula to a successful diet, as to parenting, starts not with what is wrong, but with what is right.
Parenting With Compassion
So what would parenting look like it came from a place of self-gratitude, self-trust, self-understanding, and reassurance? Well, it would look a lot less emotional, to say the least. It would also open the door of opportunity. Instead of parenting from a position that makes you fixate on always doing the right thing, this position would make room for mistakes and forgiveness. It would be a position of love and grace. It would be a position that wouldn’t hold you hostage to your mistakes or make you suffer when you don’t play the role of supermom/super dad. It would be a position that could make room for joy and kindness to others.
How?
Sounds great, but how do we cultivate this mindset? Unfortunately, it will take some time, patience, and dedication to begin to work towards this. Sadly neither Rome nor you were built in a day. Instead, it takes some subtle, small and consistent(ish) work to make these things happen. Like a good soup, this is a slowly built mindset, not just heated and served. It’s certainly not as simple as these four steps, but to begin to see what this is like, you can take a week and try the steps below.
Four Steps to Try
- Build a self-appreciation reflection habit: By choosing to reflect on your best qualities in a personal and intimate way daily, you improve your awareness of when these qualities show up. You can achieve this by taking ten to twenty minutes each morning to think back to times when your positive traits helped you and others around you. This part can often be one of the most challenging aspects. It’s okay not to hit this goal every day, but give yourself space to miss a day or two. From there, you can recover and readjust yourself.
- Talk to yourself as a friend, not the enemy: By viewing yourself the same way a good friend would view you, you can slowly begin to change the way you see yourself. Your friends know your best qualities and tendencies and tend to think of those when they think of you. Every time you hear your inner critic telling you otherwise, redirect your attention to what a good friend would say about you at that moment. They will likely point to your positives or, at the very least, give you the benefit of the doubt.
- Self-compassion breaks: Building a mindset like this is incredibly difficult. If you find yourself overwhelmed or exhausted by this endeavor, aim to give yourself a break or two in your day. Use that time to consider not so much what you’ve done that day, but rather the good for which you aimed. Look at your thoughts and tasks. Admire how they have likely been aimed at the benefit of others, even if others have not given them the appreciation that they deserve.
- Make space for you: Create time for one thing that you deeply enjoy. Consider alternatives to watching television or catching up on sleep; this is something that makes you feel more like you. This could be time with art, fitness, reading, or any other hobby/activity that is of special interest to you. Feel free to invite others to join you on this endeavor, or feel free to make it a space that is all your own. The important part is prioritizing this activity on the same level as everything else on your to-do list.
The Good News
Building this mindset can be notoriously difficult, and thinking new thoughts can be a daunting process. The good news is that you don’t have to get it right – and that is the point. The same grace you are giving to others is just as valid when given to yourself. Give yourself plenty of space and opportunities to not get this right. Permit yourself to be a student – a kid at heart as it were. Allow yourself room to have fun, make a mess, and hit the pause button on being the perfect parent.
Written by: Jared Pogue, LPC