Connecting with your teen may seem harder than ever in a world of distractions, busyness, and technology. Here are some tips and encouragement for strengthening your connection with your teenager.
The Value of Connection
After working with adolescents in many capacities for many years, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Your kids typically won’t ever say these two things out loud, but I know it is true.
- Your kids want and need boundaries.
- Your kids need you. No matter how old they are or how cool they want to appear with their friends, you are their safety net, and they need you in life. We all have a basic human need to be seen, heard, and understood.
Realistic Expectations
Sometimes as parents, we look at our kids and forget they are kids. I’m guilty of this myself. I’ll look at my children and expect them to know something, but I may have never taught or prepared them adequately. Our kids are going to make mistakes, and they are going to break the rules. Is now a good time to pause and reflect on your teenage years? Testing the limits is a natural part of becoming independent and growing up. The National Institute of Mental Health reminds us that brain development continues to the mid-late 20s.
During the teen years, our parenting role is simply to COACH. In Parenting: Getting It Right, Andy and Sandra Stanley outline the four stages of parenting as:
- Discipline (0-5 years old)
- Training (5-12)
- Coaching (12-18)
- Friendship (18+)
They continue to state, “Parents have to consciously adjust their approach as kids seamlessly transition from one stage to the next.” Therefore, to build a healthy connection with our teens, we must have realistic expectations, model healthy communication and respect, and be intentional with our parenting.
Strategies to Build Connection
- Model the way. Be mindful of the words and tone you use with your teens.
- What gets praised gets repeated. Remember the toddler years and how easy it was to say ‘no’ but it took more effort to say ‘yes’? The same is true in this stage. Your teen needs to be praised, so look for the good in your child, and remember that what gets praised will get repeated.
- Meet logic with logic and emotion with emotion. Will Hutcherson and Chinwe Williams in Seen, that we need to see what they feel. In other words, focus on empathizing rather than shaming, looking deeper rather than labeling, and acknowledging instead of dismissing.
- Prioritize active listening and respect over fully understanding and agreeing. We can provide our teens with respect and active listening without fully understanding or even agreeing with what is being shared. Their perspective is their perspective. We don’t have to agree or even understand but the minute we try to argue their perspective, we can see our kids shut down like watching the air deflate out of a balloon.
Brace Yourself
At the end of the day, you are their safety net. As with most things in parenting, be consistent and intentional, and then brace yourself. You may be surprised at how much your teen may open up to you!
If you’re struggling to understand or connect with your teen, please feel free to reach out to me.
Additional Resources
A Grown-up’s Guide to Kids’ Wiring- by Kathleen Edelman
Raising Boys and Girls Podcast
Parent Cue
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers by Dr. Lisa Damour
Written by Heidi Sawyer, MS, LPC
Roswell Location
heidi@restorationcounselingatl.com, 678.534.3824, ext 116
Heidi works with adolescents and adults with life planning issues, anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, spiritual issues, grief, life transitions, goal setting, and self-confidence. She focuses on helping her clients gain insight to their thought patterns, behaviors, and feelings using the lens of Cognitive Behavioral Theory combined with psychoeducation. Heidi also provides premarital counseling using the Prepare/Enrich program.