I was in a virtual session with a client when I heard my three-year-old run up the stairs and away from playing with the babysitter. It was then that it clicked for the first time, as he was screaming and banging on my office door, throwing his tiny body around. It wasn’t that he had a sensory processing disorder, but that I had no capacity left to meet him where he was emotionally. I wanted to run.
As a mom who is a therapist, I felt defeated. Despite my best efforts, all of the gentle parenting techniques, and emotional education, I couldn’t keep him at home anymore while I worked. Luckily, we found a great childcare center, but things at home for the next many months were tough. He did great at school, but had meltdowns out of nowhere, before and after school, lasting 40+ minutes. My body aches when I remember the tension I held for those months. Loving him so much, but not wanting to be around him.
One day, it clicked. The pants, the texture of food. Then came the OT evaluation and, finally, answers. We changed his clothes, the conversation around expectations at mealtimes, the language around what he was experiencing. Things got better, slowly. We can now identify a “sensory episode” and offer him support.
Through it all, my biggest lesson was in letting go of my “mom guilt,” being proud of myself for just making it through the day, and surrendering my idea of perfect parenting to the Lord. Realizing that despite my best efforts to cloth diaper him, attachment parent, and nurse him for the first year of his life, things are not going to be the way that I want. That it’s ok to give myself the space to send him to daycare, miss him, and love on him when I pick him up.
I’ve told fellow mamas over the years — do what’s best for you. An emotionally healthy mom parents emotionally healthy children. Grace, upon grace, upon grace. I had to believe those words and apply them to my life every single day.
For those of you struggling in this journey to parent a sensory sensitive child, I see you. I hope that you’ll reach out to a friend, therapist, or loved one for support. This is a difficult journey and you don’t have to walk through it alone.
Written by: Coleen Dixon