Healing the Parts
“As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Have you ever had an internal dialogue with yourself? “There’s something wrong with me.” “Why can’t I just stop myself from doing that?” “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” Or, “Whatever you do, don’t cry.” You may relate to one or all of these.
I invite you to consider that part of being human is relating within ourselves. As an athlete talks themselves through preparations for a competition or a student prepares for a student-body speech, part of life is learning to lead ourselves through caring, accountable communication. Then, we will ultimately understand, “Who am I, and what is my purpose?” Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy helps explore and answer this fundamental question.
When I first heard of “parts” therapy, I felt confused, intrigued, and guarded as I thought, “Are they saying I have a multiple personality disorder?” That is not what IFS therapy implies. Instead, think about all of your lived and learned experiences that influence you in specific and unique ways. IFS helps you to understand and approach your protective instincts and behavioral and emotional triggers. It enables you to hear and guides the parts of you that may be reacting rather than responding.
If you feel uncomfortable with “parts” language, consider that the word ”parts” can be interchangeable with “emotions”, “thoughts”, or “aspects”. In other words, the mind comprises multiple “parts”, and the person’s core or true self is beneath. The more I learned about IFS, the more I identified with the principles that inevitably helped liberate me from the burdens of my past. In doing so, I could discover and respect neglected parts within myself. As a result, I found my needs, which helped me understand my heart and God’s good heart for me.
What is the Difference Between Parts-Led and Self-Led?
In IFS, there are Protector parts and Exile parts. “Protector” parts have two strategies to prevent us from feeling our Exile’s pain.
- One is proactive: parts that use these strategies are called Managers.
- The other is reactive: parts that use these strategies are called Firefighters.”[1]
Think of subtle, intense, or recurring “fight, flight, freeze, forage, fawn, or fornicating” reactions in your life, and you will find protector parts leading. “Parts use the body for their own purposes, which tend to be different for Exiles than for Protectors. Exiles use it to signal their need for help; Managers use it to exert control, and Firefighters use the body to either distract from the emotional pain or from over inhibition.”[2]
Exile Parts
These are child-like parts of us that are especially vulnerable. Their qualities are naturally sensitive, lively, spontaneous, creative, joyful, and intimacy-seeking ; yet, they have become exiled either through protector parts, exiling themselves to keep their hurts hidden or from peoples’ parts. They are the parts that “have experienced trauma, attachment injuries, or devaluing experiences, and from these experiences have become burdened.”[3]
The burdens they commonly carry are loneliness, despair, hopelessness, shame, sorrow, worthlessness, and fear, along with beliefs such as “I’m on my own,” “My feelings and needs don’t matter,” or “Something is wrong with me.”[4] These feelings can be extreme and scary, depending on the intensity of the burdens they carry. This is why some protector parts must do their job to the extreme, and sometimes constantly, to protect us from the emotionally charged energy exiles give off.
Culturally, we use words like “weight,” “hurts,” “wounds,” “hurt feelings,” “secrets,” or “baggage” to describe our exiles. Without a loving and guiding presence, most of our parts do not want our exiles to get close to anyone, including our own awareness. This is usually because of fear, helplessness, or shame, so protective parts push them down (hence, “exile”) to the deepest recesses of our minds so we can “keep going” with life.
Manager Parts
These are naturally helpful and responsible for daily safety, both outwardly and inwardly. They are often the parts that have the most responsibilities. They are comparable to the vice president of a system, with qualities that we rely upon. These are the parts that analyze how we are interacting with ourselves and the world. They try to interpret reality, yet often skew our perception. They abide by the “never again” policy out of fear of activating exiles’ pain, so they protect us from any “vulnerability, pain, or instability.”[5]
The manager parts carry common burdens such as exhaustion, worry, anger, anxiety, guilt, performance, and perfectionism. These burdens can lead manager parts to strategically seek approval and people-please, mind-read, be overly optimistic/pessimistic, over-spiritualize, criticize, become self-absorbed, fight to be right, become the victim, analyze and rationalize, strive to be the “nice guy/girl,” and constantly worry about appearance, to name a few.
Some manager parts are loved by many parts, but hated by others. From early on in our lives, most managers have been doing their jobs so that we accept some as our “self,” which are called self-like parts. At some point, parts surrendered to the idea that who we are is not enough, that we are unable to genuinely love and accept these self-like parts as our “self.” However, they actually reflect the energy of our self, similar to the moon reflecting the sun.
Firefighting Parts
These respond when threatened. They immediately act to put out “fire(s),” either anticipated, or actual wounds absorbed from the past. Whether it is the danger of feeling the manager and exiled parts within you, or other people’s parts, our firefighters revert to whatever worked in the past to deal with the perceived threat.
“Many of us, in a compromise with our managers, binge on something socially acceptable—work, food, exercise, television, shopping, dining, flirting, sleeping, prescription drugs, cigarettes, coffee, daydreams and fantasies, gambling, meditating, or thrill-seeking activities—in an effort to distract from the flames until they burn themselves out or are doused. When our effort doesn’t work, our firefighters will resort to more drastic and less acceptable means such as illegal drugs, alcohol, suicidal thoughts or behavior, rage and acts of domination, self-mutilation, compulsive sexual activity, secret affairs, stealing, or getting into punitive relationships. Many. . . resort to the second list immediately because their firefighters have found over the years that the first list doesn’t do how much to snuff the flames of emotion. Firefighters will use virtually any thought, activity, or substance if it works” out of desperation.”[6]
Some firefighters use the body and sudden pains like migraines or chronic illnesses. These can be effective distractions for your parents not to yell at each other. Other firefighter parts use jolted reactions, sleepiness, confusion, vertigo, or dissociation (numbing, blanking out, or fantasizing/daydreaming). They have dreadful jobs and are often hated and attacked by their managers as well as by other people’s parts”…because they end up burning us and others around them.[7]
People who struggle with addictions experience their fighters daily, if not constantly. In Christian circles, we can over-spiritualize our firefighters by thinking they are Satan himself. This is not to diminish the fact that evil always attempts to influence and trigger our systems to make them agree with whatever is suggested. “It’s important to remember, however, that no matter how compassionately you treat your firefighters, they won’t be able to change as long as there’s a fire to be fought.”[8] In other words, until the exiles they protect or distract you from are healed, your firefighters will still have a fire to fight.
Manager parts may think that all the parts of you are bad. Other parts may think things would be good if one or more parts weren’t in your life. However, we can’t get rid of parts of us. And honestly, we don’t want to because we would inevitably be getting rid of who we are. It is like wanting to cut off a mangled finger, but if we heal the finger to its original purpose and strengthen it, it can be vitally helpful.
Some of you may think, “I will do anything to get rid of this part of me.” But, as 1 Corinthians 12 says, each member of the body has a certain function. Like every system, certain rules, laws, and goals govern the system to maintain functioning and balance. Systems constantly need to adjust. For example, different families have different rules of relationship to achieve a “good, homeostatic” life. IFS therapy has specific rules that, at their core, show a proper way to live in a relationship with yourself and the world.
To learn more about being Self-Led and understanding the goals of Internal Family Systems Therapy, stay tuned for Part 2!
Written by: Micah Mabe, MA MFT, APC
Roswell Location
micah@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 158
Micah offers services in-person at the Roswell office and virtually and can provide EMDR through an online platform. He enjoys working with individuals, couples, and families in various areas, including emotional dysregulation, anger management, anxiety, depression, life transitions, grief, pornography and sexual struggles, trauma, dissociation, relational disconnection, and more. He uses various approaches to counseling, such as EMDR, Experiential therapy, IFS, Narrative therapy, and EFT, to help clients find understanding, attunement, skills, and healing within themselves and with others.
References
Goulding, R. A., & Schwartz, R. C. (2002). The mosaic mind: Empowering the tormented selves of child abuse survivors. Oak Park, Illinois: Trailheads Publication.
Pastor, M., & Gauvain, J. (2020). Internal Family Systems: Level 1 Training Manual. Oak Park, IL: Trailhead Publications.
Riemersma, J. (2020). Altogether You: Experiencing personal and spiritual transformation with Internal Family Systems therapy. Marietta, GA: Pivotal Press.
Schwartz, R. C. (2001). Introduction to the Internal Family Systems Model. Oak Park, Illinois: Trailhead Publications.
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.
Resources
“No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model”—Dr. Schwartz
“Self-Therapy: A Step-By-Step Guide to Creating Wholeness and Healing Your Inner Child Using IFS, a New, Cutting-Edge Psychotherapy”—Jay Early
“You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Bringing Courageous Love to Intimate Relationships”—Dr. Schwartz
IFS Live Demonstration with Founder of IFS with another therapist around COVID (1 hour long)
[1] Riemersma, J. (2020), pg. 20.
[2] Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020), pg. 68.
[3] Pastor, M., & Gauvain, J. (2020), pg. 77.
[4] Riemersma, J. (2020), pg. 20.
[5] Pastor, M., & Gauvain, J. (2020), pg. 27.
[6] Schwartz, R. C. (2001), pg. 115.
[7] Schwartz, R. C. (2001), pg. 116.
[8] Schwartz, R. C. (2001), pg. 118.
[9] Pastor, M., & Gauvain, J. (2020), pg. 18.