I want to tell you about a powerful, but often overlooked, mechanism to improve your marriage, increase your sense of connection, and even maintain the feelings of love and affection that were so powerful early in your relationship. To understand why joy is so important, I need to explain a little bit about how our brains work, and then I’ll provide some practical steps that you and your spouse can take to bring joy back into your marriage.
The Role our Brains Play
Our brains are really really good at one thing in particular: survival. A tremendous amount of energy is devoted to survival. While of course this includes drinking, eating, sleeping, and attending to our physical needs, this extends to our emotional and relational needs as well. We are social creatures that need human connection to survive. Unfortunately, we all too often learn that relationships are unsafe and that vulnerability isn’t worth the risk. By adulthood, 75% of us have developed an insecure foundation for relationships. This affects us in every relational interaction, but especially within marriage.
Well, they work very hard and very efficiently at keeping us safe. When we learn in childhood that relationships are scary or unsafe, our brains create various ways to keep us safe from relational harm. Think of it as a firewall. The brain builds this wall to keep what’s left of our sense of self-worth intact. The problem is that our brain is sometimes too efficient. It creates stereotypes and categories to save us energy, but it can, as a result, create extreme sensitivity to intimate situations that can lead us to defensiveness and disconnection.
How do we change?
Are we cursed to forever be afraid of deeper connection, hypersensitive to unsafety, doomed by the hand we were dealt in childhood? Fortunately, no! Recent research on the brain is showing that the brain is changeable. Experts call it brain plasticity. This is hopeful news as it means that the survival mechanisms you learned to use in childhood, that kept you safe from various traumas and unhealthy relationships, don’t need to determine the quality of your current relationships.
What do we need?
Now, back to joy. Joy is the key to unlocking the brain’s firewall. Jim Wilder is a neurotheologian that worked closely with Dallas Willard in search of the answer to the question: Why aren’t Christians becoming more Christlike? He found that the brain is unwilling to let down its firewall until we feel safe. But how do we feel safe? If you guessed joy, you are correct. Two things in fact: joy and food.
Let’s go back to childhood for a moment. When babies are born, if they are given these two things consistently, they learn that the world is safe and that they will be taken care of. This will carry into adulthood and create security in relationships and self-esteem. If, however, a child is deprived of these things or given them inconsistently, the opposite occurs. The good news though, based on brain plasticity, is that we can heal past damage. To state it simply, humans need joy and food. If they get these consistently, at any point in their life, their firewall can start to come down and they can feel safe, resulting in connection and the possibility for change.
So, why was dating so powerful and intoxicating? There were several things going on, but one of the key aspects was the consistent presence of shared food and joy. This allowed you both to feel safe, to let down your firewall and to feel truly known and seen. Unfortunately, the vast majority of marriages are sparse with shared meals and shared joy. I hope that you have begun to see that joy is imperative if you are going to have the deeply connected relationship you want.
What can we do?
Finally, I want to provide a few ideas for shared sources of joy. Most of the time when I ask my clients what they do for fun, they respond, “watch television.” Television is fine for relaxation, but it is usually non-interactive, and in my opinion, shared joy is pretty uncommon while watching T.V. Here are several options that create more engagement, shared memories, and joy.
Try These:
Board Games: There are many wonderful modern board games that are great for couples. I strongly encourage you to try out a cooperative game if you haven’t before. Here are a few: Codenames: Duet; Hanabi; Pandemic (try Legacy Season 1 if you are feeling ambitious); The Captain is Dead; Unlock!; The Mind; or Aeon’s End. If none of these strike your fancy, please reach out for more specific recommendations; this is a particular passion of mine!
Sports: Tennis, pickleball, rock climbing, running, biking, frisbee, golf, disc golf, working out. I’d discourage competition in these circumstances unless it is healthy and fun; remember the goal is shared joy.
Outdoor Activities: fishing, hiking, camping, a picnic.
Indoor Activities: reading a book out loud together, puzzles, art, cooking, museums, shopping (think bookstores, garden centers, farmer’s markets, etc.)
I have done my best to stress the importance of joy as a key to creating safety and connection in your marriage. I encourage you to try to prioritize one of these activities at least once per week. Remember, that you must be consistently sharing in joy if you want your brain to let down its wall and connect!
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA MFT, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues, including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.