Beyond “How was your day?”
One of the first priorities I have for my clients is moving them into a deeper connection on a daily basis. In grad school, my professors encouraged us that a good rule of thumb for healthy couples is 15 minutes of meaningful connection per day, one night per week, one day per month, and one weekend per quarter. To some, this will sound like too little. For others, too much. In this article, I hope to provide a way to make those 15 minutes as meaningful as possible.
Make the Most of Your Time
When you see your spouse for the first time after a day apart, what is the first question you ask? If you are like most, I imagine it is some form of “How was your day?” There is nothing inherently wrong with this question, and it can lead to a thoughtful response and deeper conversation. However, more often than not, it is met with a standard response of “fine” or “good.” From there, you continue about your evening, preparing dinner and wrangling children, with only a meager possibility of deeper connection before the T.V. comes on, the phones come out, the night has ended, and the lights are turned off.
Fine-tune Your Questions
I want to propose a bit of fine-tuning to your nightly ritual. This process might require a small amount of introspection, but this is well worth the payoff of regular connection and a deeper sense of knowing. I want you and your spouse to identify 3-4 questions that you would like to be asked or that can regularly lead to more meaningful conversations. Questions that would go beyond “how was your day?” and would help you feel known.
Each question should lead to an understanding of your inner world and invite your spouse into a more genuine sense of knowing.
Here are some examples:
- What have you learned today? Did anything surprise you today?
- Do you have any new ideas that you are excited about?
- Did you connect with anyone today? Did you see anyone out of the ordinary or have a special connection with anyone today?
- How have you been doing spiritually? Did you have any time for God today?
- Did you have any moments of satisfaction/fulfillment today? What was the best thing that happened today? What was the worst?
A Note of Caution
It may be helpful for one or both of you to clarify if you have the emotional energy to explore these questions. There are some days where you or your spouse may be exhausted and not have the attention span to process these questions with any amount of sincerity. I typically find that it is better to check-in before starting these questions, so the lack of engagement does not lead to further hurt or disconnection.
Increase Successful Communication
These simple questions can help to establish a healthy opportunity and increase the probability of successful communication or, at least, help avoid disaster.
- Do you want to take a few minutes to talk?
- On a scale of 1 to 5, how is your mood?
- Should I leave you alone for a little while, or are you good?
Once you’ve established that everyone is able to be present, follow these three steps.
- Pick one of your spouse’s predetermined questions.
- To communicate that you are listening to each other, simply reply to your spouse’s answer with a summary of any feeling mentioned and the gist of the content.
- Ask a follow-up question related to their answer to express interest.
Other ways to build a deeper connection during this time:
- Put your phones away during this time.
- Turn towards one another to communicate to your spouse that they have your full attention.
- Hold hands as you are talking with each other or find another way to be physically close.
- Make sure there are no other distractions (T.V., kids, pets).
While you and your spouse are developing this new rhythm of connection, I’d encourage you to write down your “checking in” questions on a notecard or in your phone. You can then add to them if you identify a new one.
Check Your Procedure
Revisit the procedure and your questions periodically to ensure the process is working for both of you. Try this once a month in the beginning and every two months once you’ve established a pattern. If the process is only working for one of you, it isn’t really working.
I understand that this exercise may seem a bit elementary, but I assure you that taking the time to identify what things are most important to you and your spouse will dramatically improve the depth of connection in these 15-minute interactions.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA MFT, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues, including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.