Connecting With Yourself and Others
Recently, I found myself in a hard season of parenting my youngest son. As is human nature, it was easy to point out his unacceptable behaviors and dysregulation. After some time and personal reflection, I recognized my own dysregulation. I quickly realized I couldn’t expect my child to regulate his emotions if I didn’t model it for him. Self-regulation requires awareness and effort.
The American Psychological Association defines mindfulness as “the awareness of one’s internal states and surroundings.” Mindfulness can help people avoid destructive or automatic habits and responses by observing their thoughts, emotions, and other present-moment experiences without judging or reacting to them.
Even if my child’s behavior didn’t change, I could change my mindset and feel more connected to myself through self-reflection. From one parent to another, I’d like to give you 4 steps for mindfulness that helped me reframe my child’s behavior.
Ask: ‘Where do I need to regulate myself right now?’
James 1:19-20 reminds us, ‘Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.’ Our children are listening and watching everything we do. If I want my children to learn how to regulate themselves, I must first do the work of regulating myself and then modeling that for them. Deep breathing or pausing to reflect on the other person’s perspective can help you regulate when emotions are high. My husband and I will often state out loud, ‘Oh, he’s hungry, or she’s tired,’ to remind ourselves of why our children may be in the mood they are. It helps us to remember it is not personal, but they are little humans with big emotions, too. I know that I can definitely get hangry, and it helps me to be more patient with them if I change my perspective.
Be Mindful of My Tone
I need to be mindful that I set the tone for my household. While I am not responsible for everyone else’s attitude or mindset, I can be in control of my own. Use a morning routine to set the tone for the day. If you find yourself in need of a reset, simply give yourself a ‘parent break’ and walk away to reset.
Explore My Own Anxiety or Worry
Sissy Goff, author and Executive Director of Daystar Counseling Ministries, recently released a book entitled: The Worry-Free Parent. In it, she validates parents’ reasons for anxiety but gently reminds us that we may inadvertently place worry on our children when our own anxiety isn’t in check.
Be Gentle with Myself
One thing that helped me reframe the hard parenting season with my son was to remind myself that he is growing and that I am growing with him. Rather than being critical of myself for not having it all figured out, I can remind myself that I’m growing in this season of parenting. Another way to be gentle with yourself is through self-compassion. In her book Raising Good Humans Every Day, Hunter Clarke-Fields outlines an exercise in self-compassion.
Three Components of Self-Compassion
- Mindfulness- being aware of your thoughts and feelings. What is your inner voice saying? You can’t change what you’re not aware of. Observe your feelings without repressing or exaggerating them.
- Self-Kindness- recognize that you are suffering, and respond with care. You can talk to yourself as you would to a dear friend who feels this way.
- Common humanity- you remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. We all yell at our kids sometimes. Remind yourself that it isn’t “just me” who messes up. It’s part of being human.
Next time you need to pause and reframe a frustrating circumstance, I encourage you to journal through the 3 components of self-compassion to help reset your perspective.
Mindset Reframes:
If you find yourself stuck in negative thinking, try the following mindset reframes.
What if I fail? 🡪 What if I succeed?
This isn’t perfect. 🡪 Progress is my goal; perfection isn’t attainable.
My child is deliberately (insert poor behavior choice) 🡪 Could my child be hungry, lonely, or tired right now?
I’m frustrated when things don’t go my way 🡪 I can’t control (XYZ), but here is what I can control…
Written by Heidi Sawyer, MS, LPC
Roswell Location
heidi@restorationcounselingatl.com, 678.534.3824, ext 116
Heidi works with adolescents and adults with life planning issues, anxiety, depression, relationship challenges, spiritual issues, grief, life transitions, goal setting, and self-confidence. She focuses on helping her clients gain insight to their thought patterns, behaviors, and feelings using the lens of Cognitive Behavioral Theory combined with psychoeducation. Heidi also provides premarital counseling using the Prepare/Enrich program.