Having a child changes your life forever, in more ways than you could imagine. These changes can become especially obvious and difficult for mothers who return back to work and are transitioning from new mom to working new mom. Two counselors at our practice, both working mothers who have managed this transition, talk about their experiences returning to work after having a child. They discuss the hardest parts, the most unexpected aspects, and the things that most helped them navigate this tricky transition.
Reflections from an experienced mother:
Jennifer Stuckert, two children, ages 12 and 10
- What words of wisdom and encouragement do you have for new mothers going back to work?
Be gracious with yourself as you return to work. You won’t have all the best systems figured out right away and you can anticipate that your child will feel your stress and may react in different ways (trouble sleeping or eating) in particular.
Look to build repeatable systems and habits. There are lots of things to prep for your child when you have to head off to work. If you find routine ways to always be keeping up with these things, then you won’t be as stressed in the mornings. If your baby dirties their extra clothes, replace them in the diaper bag that night. Be keeping an eye on your supplies so that you’re not caught off guard. Pack your baby’s food bag the night before so it’s easier to get out the door. Remember, the little preparatory steps reduce your stress and make things a happier time for you and your child.
Let the fact that you have something else (i.e. a job) help your mind stay sharp and also increase your gratitude for your time with your child. The benefit of being a developing mom is great for your mood and the ability to recognize your time limitations can allow you to make the most of all the moments you have.
Evaluate if working a reduced hours plan is worth it to you. Sometimes we financially can’t swing these kinds of changes, but they are worth pursuing when possible. You’ll always have the future to dial it back up, but a half load can make life much more bearable when caring for a little one or ones.
- What has helped you to have a healthy work and family life balance over the years of being a mother?
Family time versus work time is key when working on a balanced lifestyle. It’s helpful to try to create times when you can be solely focused on your child and put work in the other appropriate pockets of your life. Help set expectations with your job and co-workers when possible so that they understand what you can and can not do. Your workflow may have to change in some ways, and you need to try to lead that conversation to help set your boss’s expectations.
Remember, you also have to try to find ways to take care of yourself and your spouse’s relationship in the midst of all the other juggling. It can take time to figure it out, so be gracious with yourself. No one can get it the way they want right away. Some things that used to be really important to you may have to go in order to maintain your new priorities now that you’re a working mom. It’s possible it will just take effort on your part to get there.
- As a parent, we get used to our child having a certain routine and figuring out how to adjust to that and then it seems to change. What has helped you the most during those times of change?
The best thing we can do is to remember that kids are always changing. With the stress of a new child, there are so many adjustments it can be really hard news that at three months and then again at six months and then again at nine months they are changing so much. It eventually slows down to more of a six month to one year cycle. If you can move to a mental state of wonder and recognize you’re going to constantly be flexing, you’ll be less stressed and enjoy more of the wonderful fast moving stages. As they get older, you can expect more of the changes to begin with each new school year as you set up new patterns and rhythms.
I’m a big fan of reading and developmental studies. It always helped me to have my go-to books that were giving me guidance on what to do, what to prioritize, and what might be coming next. It was great to have a few mom friends in the same stages with their kids and one or two really seasoned mom friends who saw the broader picture.
New mothers can really struggle with comparisons and judgments. They can get sucked into the belief that there is one best way, and if they don’t do it, then it’s a big problem. The reality is there are many ways that work well, and we all have different priorities and strengths as mothers. As we see each other’s gifts, we can feel less threatened and work harder to encourage one another on our mothering journey.
Reflections from the mother of a newborn:
Mead Reed, one child, age 5 months
- What was the most anticipated and unanticipated difficult thing about returning to work?
The most unanticipated difficult thing about returning to work has been how hard it is to leave my baby when he is upset or when I hear that he misses me. It is especially hard when I know that I could comfort him and make him feel better. I knew it would be hard for me, but I didn’t anticipate it would be as hard as it has been. One reason I didn’t think it would be as hard to leave him because I started leaving him with other people when he was even a few days old. I wanted him to get used to not having me there so that it would be easier on him in the long run. I knew that it was healthy for both of us.
Now that he is four months old, he is more aware of his surroundings and can sense when I am not there. It is hard for me to not feel like I have abandoned him since he doesn’t understand the concept of object permanence yet. He does not realize that I am coming back. I think hearing that he is having a hard time while I am away is very distracting for me.
It takes a lot of effort and energy for me to stop myself from running out to my car to try and rescue him or to make it better. It also requires a lot of self-control and prayer to stay focused on my clients. I know that my clients need me and that he will be alright. I can trust that this is a phase that both of us are going through, and we will get through it.
The most anticipated difficult thing has been figuring out who is reliable to leave him with. The whole process of finding someone was quite emotionally taxing. It was really hard to find a reliable nanny that fit our needs. I am thankful that we found someone who is trustworthy, attentive, and very caring. Not only does our nanny take good care of our baby, but she also cooks us dinner while I am gone, helps clean our house, and does our laundry. I feel more relaxed when I come home from work because I can enjoy being with my husband and my baby, knowing that a lot of the daily tasks are finished.
- If you feel like you had a successful transition back to work, what do you think were the key elements in making things go smoothly?
My transition back to work has been very successful. Time management has been a huge key to my positive transition. I know that I have to budget time at home to get my work done after my baby falls asleep. I also make sure to exercise every morning before going to work and that helps me to feel more focused on my clients and more at ease. Prioritizing some practical tasks like getting all my work clothes and bags organized the night before, makes it easier for me in the morning when I go to work. I try to think through how long something might take me to do and try to allow more than enough time. That can be so hard with a newborn since there are so many unexpected things that can come up. I try to make sure that I make enough time for myself, my husband, and my baby. I am thankful that I get a little bit of time with my baby in the morning and the evening.
Easing back into work really helped me with the transition. I went back to work one day a week for the first month. When I hit an unexpected challenge such as a night with very minimal sleep, I remind myself that it is temporary. I encourage myself about how much I am doing and that it is normal to have hard days and moments. I tell myself how well I am adjusting to everything and that I am doing a good job with being a mother. Another thing I try to do is practice self-compassion and celebrate when I do something well. When I experience something hard for the first time and then experience it later as easier, I try to celebrate that and tell myself that I am growing and gaining more confidence as a mother.
- What has kept you motivated about work since you also feel the strong desire to be home with your newborn?
I realize that me working is healthy for both of us. I really enjoy my job and love feeling like I have helped other people in some way. Taking time away from my baby allows me to give him more. It is so hard to take time for ourselves as mothers sometimes because we often put ourselves last. I think having a healthy balance between time with my baby and time away helps me to enjoy time with him more as well. I look forward to the days I go to work, so then I can look forward to the days when I am at home with him as well. A healthy balance between work, time to myself and time with my family gives me positive emotions and energy, which my baby also gets to benefit from. These benefits happen because I am being a healthy version of myself.
Navigating the process of returning to work as a new mom can be a stressful and hectic time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Seek out friends and family who will support you and help you along the way. Remember that your child is always your first priority, but it’s ok to find passion and joy in your work as well. Working at a job you love won’t hurt your relationship with your child; if you find a healthy balance for both you and your family, it will strengthen you all.
Written by: Jennifer Stuckert, MA MFT, LPC, ACS, CPCS, NCC, Clinical Director and Mead Reed, MA, LPC, LAMFT
jennifer@restorationcounselingatl.com
ext. 111
Roswell Location
Jennifer is passionate about using distinctly Christian counseling to help struggling individuals, couples, and families. With almost two decades of counseling experience, she has spent since 2009 serving as the director and supervisor of the staff of Restoration Counseling of Atlanta. She works with adolescents, families, couples, and individuals helping them gain relief from life challenges through biblically sound methods and a specific emphasis on adaption according to personality and learning styles. She is certified in EMDR and completed extensive course work in Sexual Addiction Counseling.
mead@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 115
Roswell and Woodstock Locations
Mead counsels children, adolescents, adults and families who are struggling with anxiety, depression, communication difficulties, grief, as well as other life issues. She is a certified PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator and also works with premarital couples. She is trained in sand tray therapy which is beneficial for working with children and individuals. Mead’s sincere desire to help her clients experience freedom from fear. She is passionate about helping her clients to get out of the rut that they have been experiencing and into new, healthy, relationship patterns. She will provide a safe environment for healing.