Everyone needs to have a sense of belonging – to be known, understood, and accepted. This is part of the human experience and to not have it brings feelings of isolation, abandonment, and rejection.
Validation builds feelings of connection because it is a critical expression of love and acceptance in relationships. So critical in fact, that parenting experts report that it’s one of the most important things a parent can do to foster healthy psychological development in their children.
Validation doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with another’s subjective reality. Validation simply allows another person’s emotional state a space to exist. Unfortunately, many people do not experience validation in our interactions with others, which can cause the recipient to feel unheard and rejected and cause lasting emotional damage.
What is Emotional Invalidation?
Emotional invalidation is when a person’s feelings are diminished, ridiculed, ignored, or rejected. It is when someone is told that their experiences of their world are wrong, stupid, or not worth considering and sends the message that a person’s emotional experience is inaccurate, insignificant, and/or unacceptable. They are, in essence, told that their feelings are not important.
But feelings do matter and should be heeded because emotions serve an important purpose. They are your internal messengers about your experiences and shouldn’t be ignored. For example, feeling angry, afraid, or sad tells you that something’s wrong so you can evaluate the situation to make decisions to have an appropriate response.
This is why invalidation causes confusion- your mind and body are sending you signals while another person is telling you that those messages about yourself are not accurate. But your feelings are neither right nor wrong. They are simply a reflection of your thoughts, experiences, and perceptions, which is why two people can have the same experience, but feel differently.
Another person cannot tell you what you feel is wrong. As licensed professional counselor Carolyn Cole (2021) writes, “In times you are hurting or feeling insecure, it can feel so healing to receive comfort and understanding from those you care about. Having your experiences and feelings validated is a crucial piece in healthy relationships, as it helps with trust and feeling safe in being vulnerable.”
The Wounds from Emotional Invalidation
Invalidation can cause significant damage or upset a person’s psychological health and well-being and can be traumatic for the one experiencing it.
The effects of invalidation can impact anyone, regardless of age, sex, or culture, but children are the most susceptible to the negative impact of invalidation, as their awareness and understanding of the world are still in development just like their brain and nervous system. The invalidated child is likely to develop pervasive feelings of insecurity and later difficulties in healthy emotional expression.
One study published in 2003 by Krause, Mendelson, and Lynch (2003) correlated emotional invalidation in childhood, including psychological abuse or minimization of experiences, related to ‘chronic emotional inhibition in adulthood,’ which in turn significantly predicts psychological distress, particularly in the form of depression and anxiety-related symptoms.
Invalidation often leads to emotional distancing, conflict, and disruption in relationships, as well as feelings of loneliness, worthlessness, confusion, and inferiority in the affected individual. Invalidation can reduce a person’s ability to manage their own emotions and behaviors.
It damages one’s sense of self-worth, leading to feelings of anger, shame, guilt, and worthlessness which can negatively impact an individual’s day-to-day functioning. It can lead to mental health conditions like depression and anxiety as mentioned above, as well as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), eating disorders, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Because of the deep damage to self-worth, invalidation can also increase suicidal thoughts and self-harming behaviors.
It is clear that invalidation causes a significant negative impact on one’s mental health and can threaten their very existence. It creates a sense of disconnection from their sense of self-worth and distance from the reality that they are inherently valid – that they intrinsically belong to the world around them.
How People Invalidate
Sometimes emotional invalidation is done unintentionally by someone who is well-meaning but shows their care poorly. They may have low emotional intelligence or simply not be paying attention to your feelings. Well-intentioned invalidators often defend that the goal is to help someone feel better or differently—to an emotion they judge as more accurate or more valid.
Such as when someone tries to defuse your anger because they feel uncomfortable with your feelings. This can be invalidating because your feelings are being dismissed when someone wants to change your feelings rather than accept them or understand them.
Other times, emotional invalidation is a form of manipulation and an attempt to make you question your feelings and experiences. An ongoing pattern of invalidation is a form of emotional abuse – a persistent denial of you or your experience. It implies that you’re wrong, overreacting, or lying. Abusers do this to turn things around and blame the victim and deny or minimize their abusive words or actions.
The most common forms of invalidation include blaming, judging, denying, and minimizing your feelings or experiences. Invalidation isn’t just disagreeing, it says: “I don’t care about your feelings. Your feelings don’t matter. Your feelings are wrong.” The invalidated person will often leave a conversation feeling confused and full of self-doubt.
If you’re the recipient of invalidating messages, know this: YOU’RE NOT CRAZY! Your feelings are valid and real.
Recognizing Invalidation
Invalidation feels like a criticism of your character, which deeply impacts people and increases feelings of anxiety and depression, especially in highly sensitive people. It can look like accusations, name-calling, and problem-solving before understanding the other person’s experience.
Invalidation can also feel like gaslighting, a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, where the invalidated one starts to question which is true- their emotional experience or the invalidation
Emotional invalidation might sound something like this:
- I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.
- You just took it too personally.
- Just let it go.
- You’re a strong person.
- It could be worse.
- God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- You shouldn’t be angry (or sad, scared, anxious, etc.).
- You make a big deal out of everything.
- That didn’t happen.
- Stop making things up.
- You’re overreacting.
- You probably misunderstood.
- Stop being so sensitive.
- You’re just looking for attention.
- You’re so dramatic.
- Can’t you just get over it?
- You have it good — what is there to be upset about?
How do you handle emotional invalidation?
Stop and think before you respond.
Being the recipient of emotional invalidation can trigger the fight-flight-or-freeze response that can make you react aggressively or defensively. However, this may lead to more conflict and division. In fact, if the invalidation is intentional, the perpetrator is often looking to put you on the defensive and draw you into a non-productive argument that further distracts you from the real issues.
Before reacting to invalidation you need to determine how you want to respond. You can do this by asking yourself a few questions to clarify your goals and options:
- Are you close to this person?
- Does their opinion matter?
- Has this person been interested in understanding your feelings in the past?
- Is it a good use of your time and energy to help them understand your feelings?
- Does this person have a habit of invalidating your feelings?
- How have they responded in the past when you’ve pointed it out?
Sometimes, it’s not worth trying to get a stranger or even an acquaintance to understand your feelings.
A person who is accidentally invalidating your emotions likely doesn’t realize that’s what they’re doing. Most people aren’t mean or malicious– they’re just wrapped up in their own world and problems. Usually, you can fix that problem by just being direct and assertive, such as “I feel like you’re invalidating the way I feel. I don’t need you to fix it or judge it. I just need you to listen to me right now.”
Such “I statements” are one tool you can use to express yourself calmly. The most common model for this is: “I feel _____________ when you ______________. I would like ___________.” Be prepared to end the conversation if they do not hear you or want to hear you. Let them know that you will discuss the matter with them when you feel safe to do so. Be neutral and assertive and set clear boundaries with them.
For the person who is making an active choice to be malevolent by continuing to invalidate your feelings and resisting change, it is best to not show your vulnerability and instead put distance between you. It may be wise to take inventory of the relationship and think about whether or not it is worth your time, possibly even ending the relationship altogether in severe cases because their actions will harm your mental and emotional health. This kind of focused, cruel behavior is abusive and should not be accepted.
Also, while invalidation may hurt, it can be a way to challenge you to change and grow, even if that growth is simply improving coping skills and boundaries.
Healing from Emotional Invalidation
Healing requires purposeful, consistent, and diligent growth in character, self-awareness, and self-love. Because invalidation steals confidence and trust in your natural reactions to the world, you must detach from the opinions and injuries of others to rebuild trust in yourself.
Self-validation
Start with self-validation. Self-validation means that you acknowledge your experience as legitimate and that you don’t automatically accept the other person’s decision above your own. While it’s normal to want to be understood, you can’t depend on others to validate who you are, what you believe in, and how you feel. When you do, you compromise pieces of who you are in order to fit in and let others determine your self-worth.
As psychotherapist Sharon Martin (2021) says, “Many people get stuck because they think they need their loved ones to validate their feelings. To have a satisfying relationship with someone, you need them to understand you. However, you don’t need other people to tell you your feelings are acceptable. The important thing is that you know your feelings are valid regardless of what others think. You are the only one who can validate your feelings and deem them acceptable and legitimate; no one can do it for you and external validation doesn’t mean anything until you can validate your own feelings.”
Supportive Community
Surround yourself with people who support your self-validation and self-worth- people who are kind, honest, accepting, encouraging, and validating. This may or may not include people in your current social circle.
Self-compassion
Equally as important is being in a compassionate relationship with yourself. Remind yourself of your inherent worth, that you are enough, and that you matter, regardless of what others think or say about you. When you truly know and believe this, it can be very powerful.
Your inherent worth was stated in Matthew 10:29-31: “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”
Boundaries
Having healthy boundaries is essential to recovering from invalidation. Therapist Carolyn Cole (2021) describes boundary-setting as: “saying ‘yes’ to yourself and ‘no’ to the other person — vs. saying ‘yes’ to the other person and ‘no’ to yourself (which truly doesn’t feel good).” A simple way to start setting a boundary is limiting the time you talk with the person. You may say “I need to go now” during an invalidating conversation– see how that feels and expand from there.
Ultimately, dealing with invalidation comes down to developing your self-worth, confidence, and assertiveness, skills you can learn and develop with practice and perhaps professional guidance. Always remember: Your feelings are valid, and they matter, even if other people cannot appreciate that.
by Paige Santmyer, MA APC NCC CCATP
Roswell location
paige@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 157
Paige provides a safe and comfortable atmosphere where clients can explore the challenges they are facing. She also believes in addressing the individual’s entire personhood, assessing needs in all domains of life instead of focusing solely on mental health needs. Paige works with adults and teens around depression, anxiety, mood disorders, relationship issues, trauma, PTSD, and life transitions.
References
Carrico, B. (July 18, 2021). What is emotional invalidation? Retrieved from: https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience
Chang, J. (December 20, 2021). What is emotional invalidation? Retrieved from: https://www.regain.us/advice/psychology/what-is-psychological-invalidation-how-it-happens-and-its-effects/
Cole, C. (March 25, 2021). HSPs, you might be suffering from chronic invalidation — and not even know it. Retrieved from: https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/hsps-you-might-be-suffering-from-chronic-invalidation-and-not-even-know-it/
Feinberg, T. (April 15, 2019). Healing from trauma: the impact of invalidation. Retrieved from: https://itherapy.com/healing-from-trauma-the-impact-of-invalidation/
Hilleary, D. (n.d.). What does chronic invalidation look like? Retrieved from: https://atlantaselfcompassion.com/2019/09/21/what-does-chronic-invalidation-look-like/
Khiron Clinics. (June 2020). The need for validation and the consequences of invalidation. Retrieved from: https://khironclinics.com/blog/invalidation/
Krause, E., Mendelson, T. and Lynch, T. (2003). Childhood emotional invalidation and adult psychological distress: the mediating role of emotional inhibition. Child Abuse & Neglect, 27(2), pp.199-213.
LifeSigns Self-Injury Guidance & Network Support. (n.d.) Chronic invalidation. Retrieved from: https://www.lifesigns.org.uk/chronic-invalidation/
Long, J. (2017). What is invalidation? 5 things you shouldn’t say. Retrieved from: https://drjamielong.com/validation-5-things-not-to-say/
Martin, S. (2021). When others invalidate your feelings. Retrieved from: https://www.livewellwithsharonmartin.com/emotional-invalidation-emotional-abuse/
Nollan, J. (March 26, 2021). How to cope with emotional invalidation by others. Retrieved from: https://www.aconsciousrethink.com/15847/emotional-invalidation/