If you’re reading this title and thinking, “Parents don’t parent adults even if they are their children,” you’re right. However, as a parent, we realize we never stop being a parent; our role changes. Parenting adult children involves understanding how the parenting role changes. How boundaries mix in with that is essential. One way of saying this could be: When our children become adults, we move from “parenting” and “being a parent” to just “being a parent.”
Parenting or Being a Parent –
What’s the Difference?
As a parent of younger children, our goal is to prepare them for the future when they are adults, which requires parenting. Somehow we always understood that at that stage that we were working ourselves out of a job. Why then do we find it hard to stop parenting and be a parent? Perhaps understanding the differences between these two roles can help.
Dr. Henry Cloud, in his book Boundaries with Kids, states that a goal of parenting is to prepare our children for the future by forming character in them. Boundaries facilitate the internalization of character. When children are younger, our role with boundaries and developing character was more direct and clear, especially in teaching and providing consequences. Suppose we confuse how the role of boundaries changes over time. In that case, we may attempt to control our adult child by intervening, interfering with natural life consequences, or providing relational consequences.
Avoid Attempts to Control
Intervening
Intervening could come from a parent needing affection, approval, or success from an adult child to bolster their own unmet and displaced needs. It may not be as obvious as it sounds.
- Overdoing the communication by reaching out too much can lead an adult child to feel smothered. Enjoy your life and let your adult child set the communication pace. When you do get to talk, you’ll have something to offer in the conversation.
- Asking too many questions can often feel disrespectful of personal boundaries once a child becomes an adult. Listening and providing reflective, empathic statements can often provide the closeness that you miss and the opportunity to give advice when asked.
- Giving unsolicited advice disrespects anyone’s boundary, and to the child, it can also feel much like criticism instead of helpful advice.
Interfering
Often parents interfere because they are projecting their pain from their past onto their adult child. As a result, they sabotage the adult child’s ability to learn character development through life’s real consequences. We risk enabling our children with our desire to rescue them from their choices. We may feel like we’re just trying to help or fix a problem, which was our job when our children were young and didn’t have the wisdom and skills they now have. Boundaries also mean I don’t own my child’s potential disappointment or anger if I lovingly say “no” to a particular request from them so I can stay congruent with my values. Being in tune with my values prevents me from interfering with another’s freedom to choose or from others interfering with my values.
Real or Relational Consequences
We must understand that real consequences and relational consequences are separate. Boundaries state what we need from someone so we can be in a relationship with them. It’s not a recipe for how to be less connected. We need to avoid relational consequences like anger, harshness, defensiveness, stonewalling, manipulation, or guilt-inducing tactics, etc., with others as much as possible. Those aspects inhibit the adoption of healthy boundaries/ character.
On the other hand, our children (adult or not) need real consequences while maintaining a relationship with someone (hopefully us) to internalize healthy ownership for their adult lives. That is a role we can continue to play as it respects their separateness from us and their part of being responsible, thus free to make their own choices.
Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries define ownership. We more easily understand this in a material world where there are property lines, fences, etc. Still, We often lose perspective regarding immaterial areas of ownership of my thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires versus another person’s thoughts, feelings, needs, and desires. When we confuse this, we may find ourselves comparing or criticizing their life or choices with what we would do or would have done. Statements framed in this way may not be so benign, especially if it’s a pattern.
- Obvious comparisons like disparaging comments of a partner, partner’s choices, or a partner’s family puts our adult child in an uncomfortable position of choosing between relationships that are not good for either relationship. More than likely, the Parent-Child relationship will experience the most damage.
- Not accepting the decisions an adult child makes related to holidays and special occasions is especially difficult. As difficult as it is, we must adjust and accept that our happiness doesn’t depend on our children.
- Comparing keeps the focus off of ourselves and prevents us from owning and admitting our mistakes and faults. Humility and vulnerability are means of connection. Take stock of what ways this could show up in our conversations with our adult children.
Changing Boundaries
Modeling boundaries was a way we influenced boundaries when our children were young. Vicarious learning has always been a source of wisdom. Boundaries are not only essential components for our character; they are pathways to healthy relationships. It has been said, “we care what someone thinks when we know they care for us.” We can let our adult children know that we love and care about them even if we don’t entirely agree with their choices or perspectives in life. As parents of adult children, this is our most effective tool to continue influencing our children while respecting their autonomy.
Prayer for our children will never change as our children move into adulthood. It may change from asking God for the wisdom to know what to do, to surrendering our children to the God who gave them to us in the beginning.
What’s Most Important
As parents of adults, our primary job is to listen, be a source of empathy, stay connected relationally without judgment, model healthy boundaries, and pray.
These tips are just a taste of the truths about boundaries that lead to healthy parenting for our adult children. Perhaps you see that you could use some help on how to be a better model of boundaries. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have some wonderful books on Boundaries.
Boundaries.me is a great video platform if reading isn’t your cup of tea. Reaching out to me or any of our wonderful therapists can also be a way to help you on your journey to a healthy relationship with yourself and with others.
Defining the Difference
| “Parenting” Children | “Parenting” Adults (not healthy) | “Being a Parent” |
| Teach | Intervening | Listen |
| Provide consequences | Rescue from life consequences
Provide relational consequences |
Provide empathy |
| Reprove | Compare/ Criticize | Own our part |
| Model | Model | |
| Pray | Pray |
by Debbie Turner, MA MFT, LPC