When we think of the term correction in parenting, we assume we’re just correcting our children. However, there is often a more detrimental temptation in parenting. We as parents often correct their environment. We distract, shelter, or even remove the problem at hand. No one wants to watch their child struggle, and I, as the parent, may not always feel I have the bandwidth to endure the meltdown! We’ll make two dinners to avoid the tantrum. We’ll tie their shoes to forgo the get-in-the-car challenge or clean their room to bypass another nagging conversation.
However, difficult circumstances and people are inevitably a part of the human experience in a fallen world. Allowing our children to embrace the opportunity of challenging circumstances provides them with lifelong skills that facilitate resilience and growth. Being present alongside them for these endeavors builds trust, safety, and connection (See Part 1 of this series).
Five Key Areas to Look for Opportunity
Impulse Control:
Impulse control refers to the ability to resist immediate desires and impulses and to make thoughtful decisions before acting. It’s important to recognize that impulsivity is developmentally appropriate to children, especially under the age of eight. Our children may not always be able to think through the consequences of their actions. Processing through choices with them is helpful. Identify the impulse and evaluate the consequence. Allow natural consequences to take effect, and set consistent boundaries and consequences for negative behaviors.
Proverbs 25:28 states that a person without self-control is like a city with broken walls. This highlights the vulnerability and lack of protection that come with a lack of self-discipline. An uncontrolled spirit leaves one open to external influences and internal temptations, just as a city with crumbling walls is susceptible to attack
Delay of Gratification:
Delayed gratification is the ability to resist an immediate, smaller reward in favor of a larger, more desirable reward later on. In our culture, almost everything is instantaneous. The longest thing we wait on is our Amazon Prime delivery when it can’t be overnighted. Find times to delay positive experiences, making them even sweeter.
You can have ice cream after you finish dinner, but if you can wait an extra hour, you can get toppings on your ice cream.
Fostering a delayed sense of gratification promotes academic success, moral development, and even financial stability later in life. You’re building into a character of patience. One who’s running the race with endurance. After all, the greatest goal is to build an eternal perspective in the lives of our children. We are aiming to store up treasures in heaven over earth, and that’s the ultimate delay of gratification!
Frustration Tolerance:
Frustration tolerance refers to the capacity to withstand annoying or challenging circumstances without experiencing excessive negative emotions or resorting to destructive behaviors. If your child is learning a new skill, it will take more than one attempt to perfect. Our expectation must match this as the parent. We can model frustration tolerance and co-regulate with the child by remaining calm during the struggle. Even in the simplest of situations, such as tying shoes, we can sit alongside the child with patience and normalize the experience of frustration without it overwhelming us with negative emotions. This is a key ingredient in fostering resilience and perseverance. In a society where almost everything can be done digitally and instantly, frustration tolerance is low. Normalizing frustration as a healthy emotion to facilitate motivation can open a world of opportunity and growth in our children. James 1:3-4 explains how trials test our faith and produce endurance, which in turn leads to completeness in our Christian walk. God has not promised a life on Earth of comfort. Preparing our child for this reality is a gift of insight into future life expectations.
Perspective Taking:
Perspective taking is the ability to consider another person’s point of view, including their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Verses such as Psalm 51:5 and Romans 5:12 suggest that all humans have an inherited sinful and selfish nature. Naturally, our children will have a mine and now mentality. By teaching skills of perspective-taking, we begin to grow a life that is others-oriented, thoughtful, and considerate. Developmentally, this does not start occurring naturally until the age of eight. However, as the parent, you can challenge this sooner. Find scenarios, such as watching a movie or show, where you can pause the television and ask questions.
How do you think that person feels? Could there be a reason for this behavior that we may not understand? Would you be able to forgive in this situation if something similar happened to you?
We can prompt these conversations of curiosity, which lead to more thoughtful children with a higher level of moral development. Being able to take another person’s perspective leads to the development of empathy and improved interpersonal skills.
Emotional Regulation:
Emotional regulation refers to the ability to manage one’s own emotions when they are experienced and to express them effectively. This starts with clear emotional language. Start early in building your child’s emotional vocabulary. The more confident they feel in articulating a feeling, the more comfortable they will be talking about it. If we can name the emotion, we can tame the emotion. Once we name it, we can feel heard and understood, immediately de-escalating the intensity of the emotion.
Oh, you seem upset. Were you irritated or hurt by something? Are you frustrated with your sister? I can understand how that would be disappointing. (See, we’re perspective-taking too!)
Normalizing all emotions is essential. Ecclesiastes 3:1 tells us that there is a season and a time for every emotional state under heaven. Stick to the standard: You are allowed to feel all feelings, but they are not allowed to become bad behaviors. Let’s talk it out and find understanding.
When I meet with parents of my child clients, they often have goals of:
- I want my kid to be kind
- I want him to be respectful
- I want her to be successful
- I hope to see improvement in their behavior
But there is no magic wand. There must be a struggle before one can overcome. It is a normal temptation of parenting to correct the child’s environment, eliminating obstacles, frustrations, and difficulties (whether for them or us). The goal should always be to have an eternal mindset. Resist the temptation of what’s comfortable here and easiest now. It is an ongoing challenge to raise our children with wisdom and intention. My prayer as a parent is to embrace every opportunity that promotes endurance in running the race of life with steadfast faith, while being rooted in His grace.
Written by Katharine LeCraw, MA
Roswell & Woodstock
katharine@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 120
Katharine LeCraw is a trauma-informed therapist eager to complete deep work with clients that promotes the healing of core wounds and spiritual freedom. With training in IFS, CBT, Child-Centered Play Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Person-Centered Therapy, Katharine utilizes a multi-modal therapeutic approach in order to provide the best care for her clients. Katharine works with a diverse population of clientele with a special focus on parenting issues, child and teen therapy, anxiety disorders, burnout, sexual trauma, core wounding, and attachment issues.