“We come from fallible parents who were kids once, who decided to have kids, and who had to learn how to be parents. Faults are made, and the damage is done, whether it’s conscious or not. Everyone’s got their own ‘stuff,’ their own issues, and their own anger at Mom and Dad. That is what family is. Family is almost naturally dysfunctional.”—Chris Pine
The Science of Control
Parenting is a paradox in and of itself. You see this paradox played out when someone gets a puppy. Every puppy is different due to genetics. Some have higher energy needs, while others don’t, but every puppy has similar needs. Moreover, owners can train puppies and take good care of them or not. The adage holds, “There are no ill-trained dogs, just ill-trained owners.” When the pet owners gather with other pet owners at a behavior class, the pet trainer is not blaming the puppies for being puppies. He is helping train the owners to handle themselves and their puppies.
Despite the obvious differences between puppies and children, the training principles are similar. We train our children by helping them learn to control themselves by loving them, setting limits, and giving logical consequences. Otherwise, they will find something or someone to fill that void. Therefore, the paradoxical and challenging balance of parenting is knowing when to give up control. Parents need to understand that they really don’t have control since free will results in reactions. Much like the law of gravity, laws exist that govern control.
The science of control is never taking more control than you have to. This becomes over-controlling, and your child will either naturally fight to get it back or become subtly entitled, learning that you will do everything for them. The key is to leave some control with your child and give them some responsibility of choice. This is known as “putting kids in control on your terms”[1].
Control is a lot like love and respect. The more we give, the more we receive. Often, as parents, we think, “I’m going to make them learn how to. . . ” This is an oxymoron similar to slaying a small giant. Learning is a very personal decision, and often, as children, we think, “Mom can’t make me talk or make me think the way I think. I learn what I want to learn and don’t learn what I don’t want to learn,” which as parents know can be helplessly true. For example, your child can get all their homework done and do well at memorizing the materials to pass their tests and still not learn.
What Most Children are Really Saying When They Won’t Listen
Surrounded by so much media, it is sometimes hard to imagine, “Deep down, kids want a relationship with their parents including [listening and] loving boundaries, far more than they want phones, video games, or other digital technology.”[2] But it is, and always will be, true that every child is inherently desperate for a relationship, and a relationship necessitates limits.
Moreover, every child inherently asks every parent the list of the following questions.
- Can I trust you to own yourself and your shortcomings?
- Will you keep me accountable for being humble?
- Can you comfort, care, and be kind to me in my distress?
- Do you love me always, even if you may not like how I behave?
- Can you handle me and my negative emotions even when they are towards you?
- Will you show me how to wield my power well—the power of my expression of opinion/voice, my personality, my words, and actions?
- Can you hold me securely and help me learn to calm myself down?
- Will you let me figure out what I like to do and engage in it with me?
- Can you let me fail and handle myself so I can learn how to deal with life’s difficulties and come back to you?
- Can you listen and ask well-timed questions without giving me advice unless I ask for your advice?
- Are you going to enforce limits and continue to model the boundaries you set even when I challenge you?
These questions are the foundations that allow each child to form and secure their identity in who they are. To know who they are and what is theirs to own physically and emotionally, they must know who they are not and what is not theirs. So, when children are not listening, it usually means several of the questions above have either been answered with “No,” or “I don’t know how to do that well.” I want to acknowledge that every child will not listen all the time, but when your child does not listen consistently and manipulatively, there is more underneath the iceberg.
When your child is manipulatively not listening, ask yourself, “What am I doing that is contributing to my child’s behavior?” It may be that you are over-controlling by using anger, withdrawal, or advice-giving, instead of listening. If children feel over-controlled on an unconscious level, they will continually find ways to wield their power. They may enjoy seeing how they can make your face turn bright red when you get angry or how your tone of voice can change drastically. “When kids lock into manipulative arguments, they are not listening to see if we have something wise to add to the conversation. They listen only to hear us give in. Anything short of this just makes them more determined and more manipulative.[3]
Limits
Some parents use more significant and meaningful consequences when misbehavior begins and find that they need to use fewer consequences in the long run. They also notice that their kids are happier and better behaved. Parents who use minor and less meaningful consequences when misbehaviors begin find that they have to use many more consequences—and larger ones in the long run. They also notice that their kids are resentful and poorly behaved.[4]
Parents who are a “brick wall” are tough and immovable. They stonewall, but kids will try to break the wall. They notice the brick wall doesn’t crumble, and the rock bounces off, but it leaves a scar. Kids think, “See. That’s the damage I did.” Parents who are a “cloud” are different. If a kid throws a rock, the rock becomes a mystery, and they wonder, “What happened to the rock?” They will learn that there are consequences for continually throwing the rock.[5]
It is crucial to remember you are not responsible for your child’s behavior. Still, you are responsible for your reaction and influence over your child’s behavior, which is distinct. In other words, to avoid power struggles with your children, try setting limits not by telling them what they need to do but by telling them what you will do for them instead.[6] However, limits set without relationships lead to lasting rebellion.[7]
Try to give your children lots of meaningful choices along with empathy and respect before your children ever begin to misbehave. Meaningful doses of control along with empathy and respect add up. In other words, give at least two options. Each option should be okay with you. For example, “There are two ways of going about this, you can take out the trash tonight or at 6 am. What would you like to do?” or “It’s up to you. Do you want curfew at 11 pm or 12 pm?”
By giving them reasonable choices, the power struggle is not between you and your child. The struggle is now in their mind with the control you’ve given them. If your child doesn’t decide within the predetermined allotted time, decide for them. When your child is misbehaving and becomes inconsolably flooded with emotions, or you need to be in control, don’t be afraid not to give a choice. And never allow them to have a choice in dangerous issues.
Some prompting techniques in setting limits are as follows[8]:
- Rehearse or “play the tape forward,” so you can feel prepared and know how you will not react but respond authentically.
- Instead of saying you should believe what I believe, say, “Oh really, thanks for sharing – wouldn’t work well for me!” or “Huh, I don’t know if that would work for me.”
- Calm yourself. Have a saying that grounds you, such as “No problem!” or “Not to worry” (while smiling).
- When children get mad and argue, apologize if you have not listened and get out of the power struggle. Then use a statement like, “Oh, this is sad. I do special things for people who treat me nice. Maybe next time.”
- Set rules. It is easier and more effective to tell kids when they can do something, instead of telling them no or lecturing.
- Examples of prompting statements to rules are:
- “You can [privilege] when you are. . . ”
- “Feel free to go out when you get your chores done.”
- “You might consider. . .”
- “What were the choices I offered?”
- “What did I just say, so I know we are on the same page?”
- “I know…and what did I say about that?
- “I’ll be happy to listen when your voice is calm like mine.”
- “You may [whatever privilege was taken away] again when I’m sure we won’t be arguing about it –and I’m sure you won’t be sneaky about it.”
- When children continue to argue, that often means you are not enforcing techniques well. Use statements such as, “I know,” “How sad. I guess you’ve chosen to leave us for a while. Come back and join us when you can be nice. The longer you argue, the sadder this is going to be”, or “I love you too much to argue.”
- When children say, “I don’t care,” they often do it out of manipulation to regain control. Some prompting statements are, “That’s a relief, now we are both happy” or “Nice, that’s a lot easier for both of us.”
- When they say “I don’t know” out of a manipulative ploy, some dissolving statements are “How sad not to know” or “Well, if you don’t know, I will make a decision for you in the next minute.”
- When children ask, “But why?” wise parents know the difference between manipulation and genuine curiosity. For manipulative maneuvers, use a dissolving statement such as “And why do you think? I guess that’s for you to figure out.”
- When kids use non-verbal, disrespectful body language, encourage them to continue saying, “Oh, you can do better than that!”
- And always use statements like, “I know you don’t like doing this but thanks for doing it for me anyway” or “Thank you for. . . ”
- Examples of prompting statements to rules are:
Note, the best technique won’t work if you do not have a genuine heart in executing these techniques. These techniques won’t work if your kids believe that you won’t back your words with actions. Beware of lecturing, getting angry often, and threatening. Instead, be effective with genuine sadness and logical consequences that correspond with the offense.
Written by:
micah@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 158
Micah comes from a Christian background and enjoys working with adolescents and families, as well as couples. His focus is coming alongside families, adolescents, and teenagers who desire to find help and resolution. His other focus is helping couples who want to understand and love their partner better to enhance their marriage. He also helps couples who are in conflictual relationships that are struggling with disconnection and isolation.
[1] Fay, J., & Cline, F. W. (1996). Avoiding Power Struggles With Kids. Golden; The Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
[2] Fay, J., & Fay, C. (2000). When Kids Leave You Speechless (p. 96). The Love and Logic Press, Inc.
[3] Fay, J., & Fay, C. (2000). When Kids Leave You Speechless (p. 217). The Love and Logic Press, Inc.
[4] Fay, J., & Cline, F. W. (1996). Avoiding Power Struggles With Kids. Golden; The Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
[5] Fay, J., & Fay, C. (2000). When Kids Leave You Speechless. The Love and Logic Press, Inc.
[6] Fay, J., & Cline, F. W. (1996). Avoiding Power Struggles With Kids. Golden; The Love and Logic Institute, Inc.
[7] Fay, J., & Fay, C. (2000). When Kids Leave You Speechless (p. 97). The Love and Logic Press, Inc.
[8] Fay, J. (2000). Love Me Enough to Set Some Limits. Golden; The Love and Logic Press, Inc.