My husband is in denial about his porn use!
Question From Community member:
Unfortunately, my husband will not acknowledge he has any problem—despite me finding porn on the computer. There have been other situations that point toward a serious problem and dysfunction in our relationship. My intuition screams that this is the problem and has been for our whole marriage, but he points the finger at me every time. It affects every part of our family life. How am I to proceed when I am working with intuition, coincidences, and one extensive session (six hours late at night into the morning) of computer history. He dismisses that as a “one-time” issue and blames me for exaggerating it and throwing it back in his face. He is a model husband and father to the community and church and I am feeling very isolated and hopeless with my need for support. I could deal with his porn addiction if it were exposed for him to have to confront, but how do I deal with a problem that is—as he says—only in my head? He is very tech-savvy and can certainly find ways to hide his activity. I am going crazy!
Answer from Troy Snyder
It’s Not Your Fault
As a counselor specializing in sex addiction, I have seen this scenario many times. The first thing I like to communicate to the spouse is that “it is not your fault.” The spouse needs to be built up and assured they are not the cause: no matter what they are told.
Pursue Individual Counseling for Support
I strongly encourage a wife in this situation to find or continue individual counseling for support and education. Education about the reality of sexual addiction is a painful, but freeing experience for the spouse. In the counseling sessions, the therapist should strike a balance between education and support. The support will come in the form of honoring the wife’s feelings and experiences and affirming her normal, trauma responses. She needs much encouragement as she looks to broaden her support network and come up with the best strategy for caring for herself in this situation.
Join A Sex Addict Support Group
Moreover, a woman in this position benefits from a PSA (partner of sex addict) support group. Some more practical steps she needs to take, as she gets support, are around the setting of clear and definitive boundaries. These are ideally said while well-grounded, so the tone can be firm, rather than angry or aggressive. PSAs need coaching on how to manage the big emotions that come up with betrayal and deception. The support of a good group and counselor makes a huge difference.
Good Friends As Accountability
I would also encourage the spouse to consider the faithful men are that surround her husband. She should then work to discern if they would be willing to be involved in confronting him, and if so, invite them in. Again some support and good coaching—about how to communicate the facts as she knows them and her desire for change—would be beneficial here. There is, of course, a degree of risk because of the uncertainty about the actions of the husband, and his tendency to lie and minimize his behaviors. Thus, the outside support of an expert in this field would be helpful in both coaching the wife and giving her additional resources for, and credibility with, those who might be involved in the confrontation process.
Finally, I’d like to pass on a thought an old counselor once gave me about dealing with an addict: “When you speak to the addict tell him you love him, his behaviors are a problem, and you want him to get help.”
If at first you do not find a counselor or other support people who affirm, care for, educate and give long-term support, keep looking. It can take a few tries, but such people are out there. Last but not least, this process should all be under-girded with prayer and spiritual support.
Good places to start the search to find the type of therapist and support group Troy describes are the C-SASI and APSATS websites.
Also, some men take exception to the term “porn addiction” and “sex addiction” (so do some therapists). When this is the case it may be worth referring to his behaviors as “a sexual integrity issue,” “chronic porn use,” or “chronically problematic sexual behaviors.” A good sex addiction therapist is almost always flexible about how the problem is named, just so long as it is recognized as a problem that needs addressing.
Troy Snyder, MS, NCC, LPC, CCSAS, CPCS
[trx_image url=”https://restorationcounselingatl.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/troy-300×300.jpg” align=”left” shape=”square” top=”inherit” bottom=”inherit” left=”inherit” right=”inherit”]Troy is a Biblically-based and clinically sound Christian Counselor. He received his Master in Professional Counseling from Georgia State University along with a Diploma in Christian Counseling from the Psychological Studies Institute in the Fall of 1999. He began his career working as a faculty college counselor. Previously he had a thriving practice in the Johns Creek area and has now joined Restoration Counseling of Atlanta. Troy has worked diligently over the years to develop his specialties so as to serve his client base with integrity and sound counseling applications.Troy specializes in three distinct areas: sexual addiction, anger, and adolescent issues. In these specialties, he works with adult males, adolescent males and couples. He takes a holistic approach to help his clients by working closely with the parents, spouses, family members, and friends to help his clients create a better foundation for success. In addition to these specialties, he also provides counseling for all issues relating to men and adolescent boys. This allows Troy the ability to stay connected with all current issues with this population along with strengthening his skills in working with multiple symptoms.
Troy’s passion for working with sexually addicted clients has led him to obtain special certification in this area of study. He is certified as a “Certified Clinical Sexual Addiction Specialist” by the Christian Sex Addiction Specialists International (C-SASI, formerly IACSAS This certification requires rigorous coursework and supervision).
Troy holds his faith in God to be the main key to his success in helping hurting people and makes every effort to share that same faith with his clients wherever they are in life. He holds firm to the Word of God as being the truth to teach us wisdom and help us learn to live life faithfully. Troy can testify of God’s leading through the counseling ministry over the years and looks forward to being used by God in many others’ lives.
Troy is married and has three children. He takes great joy in spending quality time with his family. He also is a faithful member and worker in his Church. His interest and hobbies include spending time with family and friends, reading, baseball, and home improvement.
troy@restorationcounselingatl.com ext. 113
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