PORNOGRAPHY
Is it okay for my husband to look at pornography?
This is a fairly common question I hear from the wives I’m working with. Often it is paired with a mixture of hurt and hope that I will respond with an answer that frees them from the unwelcome intrusion into their marriage. The simple answer is no. It is not okay for your husband, or you, or both of you to look at pornography without serious consequences to the health of your well-being and the health of your marriage.
Throughout this article, I will be addressing the posed question directly, but this does not imply that women don’t also struggle with pornography. Most of what I say is applicable to both of you, but for the sake of clarity, I will approach the question directly. I will not include the situations where both spouses, or the wife only, are looking at porn.
A Note of Caution
I know that there is often a tremendous amount of hurt in this area. I don’t want to diminish your pain, but I also want to encourage you not to weaponize this article or approach your husband’s struggle with pornography to shame him. It is the love of Christ that compels, and I promise you that your vulnerability and compassion will be far more effective agents of support and change than criticism and defensiveness.
Two Most Common Reasons
I want to address the two most common reasons why your husband is looking at porn. I will label them ignorance and sin struggle. It is possible, that your husband is viewing pornography in ignorance, He may be unaware of the sometimes subtle effects it can have on his life and your relationship. In this case, an honest look at the research and a sincere conversation regarding how it is affecting you may be enough to change the behavior. However, this is a small percentage of cases that I see.
More frequently, your husband knows that pornography negatively affects him, but is mired in the habit to an extent that freedom seems a distant hope. Fully addressing the latter reason, that of sin struggle, is beyond the scope of this article and will likely involve a holistic approach for lasting change. Instead, I want to provide a brief foundation for the first reason, that may also encourage anyone on the journey towards sexual purity.
Understanding the Impact
There are two primary websites that I will be referencing to build this foundation: Your Brain on Porn and Fight the New Drug. Interestingly, neither one of these sources is religiously, politically, or financially motivated. Instead, they look at the research on how porn harms consumers in a variety of ways. Following Fight the New Drug’s approach, I want to look at how pornography negatively impacts your brain, your heart, and your relationships. In this article, I will focus on the brain, and in a future article, I will dive more deeply into porn’s impact on our hearts.
Brain Change
It is important to understand that the brain is malleable; what I mean by this is that the brain can change. This is both good and bad news. When an individual is consuming a steady stream of pornography, this is dangerous as it trains the brain to become accustomed to pornography and even prefer it over reality. To clarify, God designed us with an attraction to the body of the opposite sex. In the right context, this creates healthy passion and desire between husband and wife. However, our brain doesn’t have a filter on it to only enjoy the body of our spouse. If we expose it to the bodies of other people, it will get just as excited. As if that weren’t dangerous enough, pornography provides an endless buffet of bodies, that provide an exaggerated version of reality. When exposed to such stimulus, our brain adapts to receiving the constant barrage of stimulation, and reality can’t compete. The result? Attraction and desires are warped, and reality pales in comparison.
The Reality
The consequences aren’t just isolated to romantic attraction, though. Pornography is directly tapping into the reward centers of the brain and warping our motivation. The activities that previously brought joy are now less exciting. Often times the brain learns that it can demand more and more intensity from the consumer, resulting in longer sessions of pornography, more frequent use, and more hardcore content.
More Negative Impacts
From the meta-analysis aggregate website Your Brain on Porn, pornography use has also been linked to:
- Poorer mental and emotional health (including increased levels of depression and anxiety)
- Poorer cognitive outcomes
- Reduced sexual satisfaction
- Reduced relationship satisfaction
- Sexual dysfunction
- Reduced arousal to sexual stimuli
- Increasingly aggressive and negative views toward women
I hope it is clear that there is no gray area when it comes to pornography. It is devastating to consumers, and I implore you and your spouse to take it seriously. If you are interested in more information on this topic, please check out Your Brain on Porn and Fight the New Drug’s websites. They both have incredible resources for combatting the use of pornography.
What to Do
In conclusion, I want to address the possibility that your husband is struggling with pornography. I want to ask you to begin with compassion. Most men that I talk to that are actively struggling have a high level of shame. They know that their behavior is damaging their quality of life and hurting their spouse. I encourage you both to consider counseling in this journey, both for the husband to pursue recovery and for you both to pursue healing and intimacy. Jay Stringer’s book Unwanted is my favorite book on the topic, as I think it brings both practical and compassionate insights into understanding the source of unwanted sexual behavior and how to begin the healing process. Please understand that overcoming this issue will require commitment and effort from both of you. It will require understanding, forgiveness, and a common purpose.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA, LAMFT
Roswell and Buckhead locations
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing various issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also provides marriage and premarital counseling and has completed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) training.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties.