Get Yourself Ready
A wonderful way to prepare for marriage is to work on developing character traits within yourself that you would like for your future spouse to embody. For example, if a man would like his spouse to be a better listener then he can model that behavior by working on his own listening skills. It only takes one person to change in a relationship for the whole dynamic to shift. One person being reactive and defensive causes the other person to be reactive and defensive as well. In the same way, one person being humble and responsive will create an environment of humility and gentleness. Preparing for marriage is also a wonderful time to gain more self-awareness about one’s blind spots, reactions, and triggers.
Learn Some Helpful Skills
Active listening is a great skill that will be beneficial to a marriage. It requires listening to what someone is saying and reflecting back the feeling and message that they heard the other person saying. For example, a wife tells her husband, “I feel frustrated by how much I am doing around the house lately. I’d like for you to help me more with cooking dinner.” He would respond by saying, “I hear you saying that you feel overwhelmed and frustrated by how little I have been able to help you lately around the house. You’d like for me to help you cook dinner.” Active listening also means using “I” statements instead of “you” statements which can be shaming or blaming. “I” statements are helpful and create a safer, more disarming environment.
You Can’t Know it All
It is also important to keep these things in mind:
First, you will never fully understand or know your spouse. Instead of letting differences cause frustration, try and create a sense of awe and wonder about how your spouse does things differently.
Next, create a sense of humility and openness. Be open to feedback because it is a gift. It can be so hard to receive, but so beneficial to a person’s growth. A spouse can be like a mirror when it comes to one’s blind spots and places areas of weakness. It is painful and also so beautiful to be fully known and loved.
Thirdly, seek to be a good forgiver. Apologize to your significant other when you have hurt them. An effective apology uses humble language such as,” I’m sorry for hurting you and that was wrong of me to do that.” It does not blame the other person but takes responsibility for actions.
The first year of marriage is the foundational year for creating healthy communication, boundaries, and habits. A lot of couples wait until they have been married for 20 years to really dive into their marriage problems. Marriage is such a beautiful and challenging gift. Preparing for marriage is worth the work!
Seek Pre-Marital Counseling
Find a counselor who does pre-marital counseling. It will provide the couple to gain a greater understanding of how to communicate with one another. They will learn healthy and effective ways to talk about expectations, their family of origin, parenting, sexual expectations, finances, and many other topics. This is one of the best ways to prepare for marriage.
Get to Know Your Future Spouse
Seek to gain as much knowledge and information as possible about your spouse before getting married. Ask them important questions and educate yourself about marriage. Be mindful of how you talk to and about your future spouse because words are powerful. The Bible says there is “life or death in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). Be intentional about speaking words of life over yourself and your future spouse because those words can build them up or tear them down.
Tell your future spouse when you feel hurt or disappointed. Create a healthy emotional dialogue and ask each other each day how you are feeling. Do daily check-ins with your significant other to see how they think you are both doing.
Don’t Assume
It is easy to make assumptions about one’s significant other, but that can breed hurt and defensiveness. While it is more vulnerable and challenging to ask your spouse questions, it is also very beneficial in creating healthy dialogue.
Here are a few important questions to ask your spouse in preparing for marriage.
- What behaviors or actions trigger you to feel anxious or defensive?
- What kind of expectations do you have about how we spend our time?
- How did your family spend money when you were growing up?
- How do you express anger, sadness, and fear?
- Do you know when you are feeling these emotions?
- What kind of boundaries will we establish with our parents and friends?
- How were feelings expressed in your family growing up?
- Do you want to have children?
Be Prepared
Marriage is a relationship that will require hard work and effort. The hard work of communicating expectations and desires with the other will pay off because it will create a healthy relationship. Both people working together in a harmonious way will allow for each person’s unique skills and abilities to shine through and be used in a beautiful and instrumental way in their marriage.
by mead@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 115
Roswell and Woodstock Locations
Mead counsels children, adolescents, adults, and families who are struggling with anxiety, depression, communication difficulties, grief, as well as other life issues. She is a certified PREPARE/ENRICH facilitator and also works with premarital couples. She is trained in sand tray therapy which is beneficial for working with children and individuals. Mead’s sincere desire to help her clients experience freedom from fear. She is passionate about helping her clients to get out of the rut that they have been experiencing and into new, healthy, relationship patterns. She will provide a safe environment for healing.