Lesson 2
Using Signposts and Effective Communication
Jeremiah 31:21a
Set up road markers for yourself; establish signposts!
Keep the highway in mind, the way you have traveled…
Lesson 1 Refresher
In Lesson 1 of Relationship University, I wrote about the necessity of performing a personal heart assessment to diagnose the emotions or core beliefs that fuel the disappointments or joys in relationships. This lesson will discuss how couples can create signposts to begin traveling on the same path together. Participation in heart level effective communication can move a couple from negative, to neutral, to positive emotions that accelerate the relationship into a healthy place.
The Basics of Good Communication
Basic communication consists of a speaker and a listener. Listening well is vital. The listener needs to remain the listener until the speaker feels heard and understood. Understanding takes place not by merely parroting the speaker. It also takes a true summarization of what was spoken, as if to verbalize, “I heard you say…xyz…” Only after this point of affirmation should the listener switch roles and become the speaker.
The goal of good communication is understanding, not necessarily agreement. John Gottman, a relationship expert, states a shocking fact that 69% of couple’s arguments will not find a resolution (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work 2017). Therefore, since conflict is impossible to avoid or eliminate, it must be managed.
It is prudent for a couple to establish rules for discussion and a plan for how you both will respond respectfully in a disagreement before it turns into an argument. For example, Sabrina tells Tevin she does not like when he raises his voice because she is reminded of her abusive father. If Tevin begins to raise his voice, even though he is not angry but passionate, the couple needs to take a break and resume the conversation later. Assigning a specific day of the week or month to check in with each other is a valuable strategy. In this way, couples can constructively discuss their disagreements calmly outside the tension of a heated argument. This scheduled activity provides an opportunity to share moments of appreciation and suggestions for improvement.
Sign Posting
The speaker has the vital task of delivering a clear message to the listener. The words used and the context in which they are contained matter. The speaker should begin by expressing their need, desire, or emotion with their partner as if painting a portrait. In this manner, the listener can see where the speaker is coming from and where they are going. I call this signposting.
If we travel from Miami to Orlando, Florida, we do not just arrive at our destination. We see signs that read “Orlando 200 miles.” Then we get closer, and they read “Orlando 100 miles.” Finally, we arrive and see “Welcome to Orlando.”
The speaker is to briefly share what they want to communicate or to lead with their need. They also need to take ownership of their own feelings. Next, they should instruct the listener in how they are expecting them to respond. For instance, Franchesca says to Jim, “I want to share about our finances. I need you to listen.” This conveys the need that Franchesca wants to be heard. Jim has to become accessible by stopping what he is doing, being fully attentive, or offering to be available later on the same day.
Listening with New Ears
Knowing how your partner reacts can help you approach the topic you would like to discuss. However, communication can be hindered if you assume that your partner will react in a particular way without giving him or her the benefit of the doubt. Listen to him. Each interaction should be evaluated as a separate incident. If there is a negative pattern that (re)emerges, wait until you are calm and out of the heat of the moment to address the issue. Use “I” statements to take responsibility for your feelings and connect with your emotions, rather than pointing the finger at your partner with “you always” or “you never” statements. This will only make your partner defensive or withdraw.
There are times when one person in a couple has a legitimate complaint. The spouse receiving the complaint might have made improvements but did not communicate that they have done so. The complaining spouse might not become aware of that change until another argument or a random moment where it is brought up. When this happens, it tends to negate the effort or reinforce the complaint. There can be a more intentional approach than this. The receiving spouse can share that they have been working on the issue during times of calm. The complaining spouse needs to acknowledge when they see attempts at improvement and genuinely complement them. An effort greater than or equal to the complaint must be made by the complaining partner to observe a resolution.
Building Safety and Vulnerability
Exploring your partner’s feelings with honesty and empathy can be the two-lane highway into each other’s hearts. Building safety is the most important feature within a relationship as this provides the fertile soil for love and positive affection to grow. Without safety, acceptance, and support, there can be no intimacy.
Becoming inquisitive and asking questions is a key strategy to connect on the emotional level. Even for couples who have known each other for many years, a new inspection can examine and discover deep-seated pain. This understanding enhances empathy by placing yourself in the experience of the other person. Philippians 2:4 states that we are to look out not only for our own interests but also for others. How would you answer the following:
- Are you a safe person for your partner? Can they speak to you and feel heard?
- Do you reflect on what your partner is saying and connect with their emotions?
- Do they feel you are there for them?
Evaluate your relationship from the 30,000-foot view. Are your thoughts, words, and actions moving you closer together or further apart?
Being transparent about your fear or shortcomings can simultaneously help remove barricades and plant small seeds of trust, even in a relationship that has seemed to wither. Growth of more honesty, empathy, care, and trust will increase your partner’s safety and security feelings to be vulnerable. In contrast, a lack of safety can be the source of a costly breakdown.
Steps for Effective Communication
Slow down. The speaker should take periodic breaks between speaking for the listener to reflect and make sure that they understand. Remember that understanding does not equate with an agreement.
Listen. Often communication is inhibited because the listener is formulating how they will respond instead of turning toward the speaker’s heart. Try to avoid doing this.
The experts agree that 70-90% of communication is non-verbal. Therefore, when listening, maintain eye contact, put your cell phone away, nod your head, and even reflect on what has been said. Eliminate negative body language and check the tone of your voice. These non-verbal mannerisms will short-circuit effective communication.
Ask clarification questions, then reflect on what you have heard. Understand that words have meaning and the context can differ from sender to receiver. Your partner will be relieved when they feel like they have been heard.
Take a time out. This is an opportunity to check back into your heart and deescalate the situation. Helpful practices include deep breathing, journaling, prayer, reading Scripture, or listening to worship music. You can rehearse what you are saying to ensure clarity.
When you find yourself on the crazy highway, go back to your map. Review the fear cycle, core beliefs, triggers of your negative relational patterns, and your partner (see lesson 1). Ensure that you are taking responsibility for your feelings and accurately hearing what the speaker is saying and not the critical voices from your past.
Practice makes perfect. These skills have to be applied and practiced for negative patterns to be eliminated. Then healthy patterns can emerge. Regular care, service, and attention will keep you safe and well-fueled on the highway of effective communication after a quick fill-up at Relationship University.
In Summary,
Here are some tips on boosting positive communication:
- Establish rules for communication before you get into an argument.
- Schedule regular check-in times so you can express your feelings outside of the heat of the moment.
- Use signposts. Clearly describe what you want to talk about, take ownership of your feelings, and instruct the listener how you are expecting them to respond.
- Process and practice what you want to say before you say it.
- When you do communicate, do so carefully and respectfully.
- Ask questions rather than make statements.
- Use I statements.
- Communicate on an emotional level.
- Ask the listener to reflect on what they heard for clarification and a chance to connect with empathy.
Good communication has to be learned, and it develops over time.
by James E. Francis, Jr., EdD, APC
Buckhead Location Only
james@restorationcounselingatl.com
James helps with anxiety, anger, depression, life transitions, resilience, and spiritual maturity. He believes that therapy should be clinically excellent and theologically accurate. He prioritizes the integration of Scripture with elements of psychology to operate a holistic growth model. James uses reflective prayer to help individuals align their beliefs with Scripture. He then walks beside them to promote step-by-step healing from the pain of the past. James’ goal is to hold individuals accountable through encouragement and empowerment by activating their drive toward spiritual maturity.