Their Differences and How to Manage Them
“When you own something and really square up to your culpability, I do think a surprising thing can happen. It’s what I call a paradox of ownership. . . . I was offered to really own what I did, and found that it didn’t possess the entirety of who I am. Put simply, something you’ve done doesn’t have to constitute the sum of who you are. The noise in my head abated. The indulgent self-pity was starved of oxygen, and it was replaced with the clean air of acceptance—an acceptance that I did hurt this wonderful person standing next to me.”—Tom Stranger
During my therapy journey, my therapist leaned in and said, “I see you have unprocessed anger that is creating this resentment that has now turned into a grudge—how do you see it?” Feelings of shock, dismay, shame, and embarrassment activated in me. I replied, “You’re right, but I don’t want to be this way”. They replied, “Well obviously you do otherwise you wouldn’t be carrying resentment and this grudge. What needs to happen with these?” I said, “I want them gone but what do I do?” My therapist said, “Are you ready to feel and forgive? If so, let me guide you.”
Through reading this article, from one healer to another, let me help guide you.
Resentment Vs. Grudges
Anger is profoundly complex and plays several roles in our lives. Bob Falconer remarks, “Anger is like a knife—it can be used for good, like a scalpel in surgery to help cut; or it can be used for bad, like a sword to kill each other.”
Anger is amazing in that it is a defender of all emotions. It can show us breached boundaries and reveal unmet needs, expectations, wants, desires, or hopes. Anger exposes what is true and what is false. It can show us whether our perspective is grounded in reality, especially if we have unrealistic expectations. It shows us when wants can go unmet, hopes need to be adjusted, or rules are not helpful or true. Whether real or perceived, if there is a threat or violation of a person’s emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual security, anger steps in to protect.
Anger is a mechanism to avoid being hurt, at whatever the cost. It can try to control you by being blinding, abusive, entrapping, and unhelpful. Uncontrolled Anger is dangerous and turns into resentment (Eph. 4:26-27). Resentment is “bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.” Simply put, it is unprocessed, compounded anger from unhealed, compounded hurt.
A grudge is “a feeling of deep-seated resentment or ill will” harbored out of fear, which is slightly different from resentment. Carrying a grudge is making a conscious decision to hold onto the anger and weaponize it. In other words, it is resentment that has a deeper fear and intention of vengeance and hostility.
How do You Know if You Have Resentment or a Grudge
It is hard to process emotions and reconcile trauma in the moment when we are overwhelmed and distracted by life. Therefore, we suppress our emotions in order to “move on.” What is crucial is being aware of our suppression and denial of anger before it hardens into a grudge.
As broken vessels, we all experience resentment and grudges from hurt, but they leak out from us consciously or unconsciously in our unique expressions of anger. These can be through various forms such as (although not exhaustive) – self-pity or victimization, contempt towards self and others, hopelessness, arrogance, pride, dismissiveness, immobilization or depression, addiction, shame, rage, isolation, sarcasm, sleeplessness, envy, chronic pain, bitterness, highly sensitivity people, paranoia, blame-shifting, denial, guardedness, hostility, people-pleasing, narcissism, fear of man or fear of woman, perfection, as well as other forms.
Managing Them Instead of Them Managing You
I didn’t realize that my resentment and grudges kept me in a deficit mentality and caged in fear—fear of being hurt again, losing attention, of injustice, or of being wrong. Nelson Mandela stated, “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy.” It is like a harbored ship that is unable to do what it was made to do—sail. I was stuck and angry at my past, God, and myself. How could I get to this place? What kind of Christian am I? Simultaneously, it was easier to see the log in people’s eyes, but I was reluctant to see my contribution. I love how the 12 steps help navigate this. In step 4 it mentions wanting justice for everyone else but mercy for me.
- The first step is to bring all anger to consciousness. Having a feelings wheel or feelings list is a foundational aid to naming what is going on inside of us that we have difficulty naming for ourselves
- See anger as a friend that is misguided or as a bear doing its best to protect its vulnerable cubs (fears, hurts, or false beliefs). Helpful questions to ask resentment are “When did you develop? What are you afraid would happen if you don’t hold this grudge or remain angry? What are you trying to save me from?” Our emotions have keys to answers, so by genuinely knocking on their door with curiosity, they can feel safe opening up.
- Confessing the belief underneath. When we have done something that has breached our morality, or someone has done it to us, actions speak messages. Guiding questions are, “What does this say about me? What am I coming to believe about myself or how to live?”
- Forgiveness does not go beyond healing. You can forgive, but if you do not heal from the injustice of breached boundaries and how false beliefs developed, anger will be there to guard the remaining hurt (see my articles “Internal Family Systems Therapy—Healing the Parts and Understanding the Whole” and “The Nature of Trauma and How to Heal”)
- Owning our contribution in this manner is one of the most vital components. The only control in life we have is ourselves and our attitude. And even that seems impossible at times! Key questions are: “What is my mistake/contribution to this? In my selfishness, what did I want and why? What lies did we tell ourselves or others? What was the real truth? What did I do to get what I wanted? How did I react? What was I afraid of?
- Forgiveness—we can’t give what we don’t have. Intellectualizing things and knowing what to do is a step, but until we taste it, it integrates into our lives. Like the prodigal son, we must receive the Father’s spirit, forgiveness, embrace, and kiss towards us (Matt. 18:33). Similar to the beginning quote, after forgiving ourselves for holding resentments and grudges we can give that same forgiveness and love to those who have hurt us. We can feel we are okay again, live out of our innate goodness, and live grounded and sober in reality.
Written by: Micah Mabe, MA MFT, APC
Roswell Location
micah@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 158
Micah offers services in-person at the Roswell office and virtually and can provide EMDR through an online platform. He enjoys working with individuals, couples, and families in various areas, including emotional dysregulation, anger management, anxiety, depression, life transitions, grief, pornography and sexual struggles, trauma, dissociation, relational disconnection, and more. He uses various approaches to counseling, such as EMDR, Experiential therapy, IFS, Narrative therapy, and EFT, to help clients find understanding, attunement, skills, and healing within themselves and with others.