Takeaways from Treating Sex Addiction
As a counselor, I have treated sex addiction for 20 years. I have some key takeaways that may be helpful for counselors and clients to consider. I write these to bring encouragement, hope, and directives for the addict to achieve the goals of renewal and recovery.
Recovery is a journey, not an event.
We must realize that we did not get here overnight. Many factors have trained us to live an unhealthy lifestyle. Those factors include our family of origin, sexual culture, trauma impact, and exposure. We get conditioned to respond to feelings in a specific way, and when reinforced, they get stronger. One does not just flip the light switch off and on. It is more like a dimmer switch. When you see recovery as an event you reinforce impulsivity. But when you see it as a journey, you gain hope. Stay on the path.
We are looking for something, and it is not sexual stimulation.
Sexual acting out is not about the act. It is about our core wounds. We fear God may let us down and believe He cannot give us what we need. We may tell ourselves, “I am not worthy of His love.” Our goal is to look deeper into the wound and find healthy ways to heal the wound. As a result, we will experience God’s grace, love, and mercy daily. Keep exploring the core issues that we are trying to satisfy. G.K. Chesterton says, “Every man who enters a brothel is looking for God”. Our greeted need is love and love from God. As we consider our history, we may find that we have wounds that need healing, Sex was never created to fix any issue. Therefore, we need to identify the pain and find some healthy ways to satisfy our needs. Explore your core.
The Word will direct.
I am still amazed by the power of God’s word. Every client who reads the word regularly and mediates on it receives insight beyond what our finite minds can comprehend on our own. God knows our hearts and our wounds; therefore, He knows what we need to hear. There are particular verses that might help someone with this particular struggle, but reading the whole counsel of God will speak in a profound way. Stay in the Word.
You need community.
God did not create us to be alone. He states this is the first book of the Bible, and this theme continues throughout the Bible. We are called to be in a body (in a church with other believers) and to do life together by sharing, caring, and praying. I have not seen any success in recovery when a guy tries to make the needed changes alone. Yet, I have seen great results for those who take that scary step to confront shame and be vulnerable with others. This community should be a church, but it might also be a group, or a core group of friends to be accountability partners. Participate in community.
Call it shame, and understand shame.
Shame is the belief that “I am wrong, broken, and unlovable.” It evokes a feeling that makes us want to Hide. Review Genesis 3 and John 4, and see how shame defined these people’s actions. But, do not forget to look at God’s response to shame. He pursues us. God wants to have conversations with us. He speaks truth in love to us. He provides hope through a salvation plan. Shame’s goal is to keep you quiet and hidden. With God’s strength, we can break this cycle by meeting daily with Him and regularly with your community. Expose shame in your life. Do not be driven by it, but redeem it.
Accept you are a sexual being and steward it.
Sexual addiction is sinful and distorts God’s Creation. Our goal is not to eliminate our sexuality but to renew or redeem it. We need to understand the creation of our sexuality, what its purpose is, and how to steward it. This is true whether we are young or old, single or married. We cannot abstain from our sexuality but we can abstain from unhealthy and unbiblical acts. Our sexuality is a gift that we need to honor, cherish, steward and revere. We need to study God’s word to know the answer to the purpose of our sexuality and how to steward it. Express your sexuality to honor God
HOPE: Know healing and renewal is available.
Shame and our past will tell us we cannot change or only deserve the crumbs of life. We need to have a humble mindset, not a hopeless mindset. We see the story of the prodigal son and his Father’s response. How much more will God the Father receive and renew you! The Bible is full of hopeful and transformative true stories, and we need to see that we are part of God’s stories. Know there is hope.
I hope these key takeaways help you see the areas you are thriving, as well as those areas that need attention. Take time to pray through these and talk to others for support (counselor, accountably group, etc.). This is not an exhaustive list and it does not address the marriage relationship or children. Those are topics we will address in the future. Finally, explore your own takeaways, and write them down to see your growth.
by Troy Snyder MS, NCC, LPC, CCSAS, CPCS
Roswell and Woodstock Locations
troy@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 113
Troy specializes in three distinct areas: sexual addiction, anger, and adolescent issues. In these specialties, he works with adult males, adolescent males, and couples. He takes a holistic approach to helping his clients by working closely with the parents, spouse, family members, and friends to help his clients create a better foundation for success.