God’s Design for Romantic Intimacy
As I leave my twenties behind me, my perspective on singleness has shifted. I have had a deep passion for marriage since I was 17 years old. This passion grew after I read a series of books, most notably Ted Dekker’s Circle series and John Eldridge’s Sacred Romance. I became enraptured by the beauty of God’s design around romantic intimacy. I began to see marriage as a type of extended metaphor for knowing and understanding Him. Marriage morphed into this sort of fantastical state of being. I began to see the reality of two people coming together in all of their uniqueness, gaining the opportunity to mingle their broken and beautiful souls. And this – the mirroring of the invitation and opportunity to be in an intimate relationship with Christ!
The Desire for Marriage
Needless to say, from that day forward I became a hopeless romantic in the deepest sense. I believe you would be hard-pressed to find any young man more eager for marriage and a life devoted to understanding it fully. Around this same time, I explained to my parents that I had a desire to seek education and training to be a marriage therapist. I began praying for my future wife and my marriage on a near-daily basis. I also eagerly invited my close friends and family to join me in these prayers.
The Partially Fulfilled Dream
Today, I am 29. I will turn 30 later this year, and parts of those idealistic dreams have been fulfilled. Nearly five years ago, I finished my education in Marriage and Family Therapy and began working with couples navigating the incredible pain and beauty therein. I am incredibly satisfied and daily in awe of the opportunities available to me in this aspect of my life.
I sit with men and women older than my parents and guide them through past wounds and into new depths of intimacy. This brings me tremendous joy and humility. My profession often includes guiding an engaged couple at the start of their marital journey. This is something that perfectly resonates with the cry of my soul. I regularly leave work satisfied, jumping for joy, or eagerly calling up a friend or family member to express my uncontainable excitement at my opportunities.
The As-Yet-Unfulfilled Dream
And yet, the other half of my dream is yet to manifest. Year after year, I assume this will be the one; this is the year I’ll find her. And yet, year after year I am just as single. My confidence in the likelihood of finding the marriage that I have imagined has begun to wane. My story is likely not very different than that of other single individuals. I’ve dated some wonderful people. I’ve caused hurt and been hurt. But, for some reason, far beyond the scope of this article, I am still single.
Rather than write a different article lamenting the Church’s neglect of singles, or why we should see singleness as a gift, I simply want to articulate, with a moderate level of vulnerability, the experience of my pain and beauty in the adventure of my singleness.
Encouragement and Insight on Singleness
I hope to provide a source of solidarity and perhaps even some practical encouragement in how to navigate this with fledgling grace for fellow singles. I also hope to provide a body of insight into prolonged singleness for other people who may have the opportunity to advise or comfort friends and family members in their disappointment or loneliness.
It is Not Good for Man to be Alone
I long to know and be known and in that knowing to love and be loved. This desire is greater than any of the other perceived perks of my romanticized idea of marriage. I believe this can certainly be experienced and has the potential to be most deeply actualized in marriage. However, marriage has no monopoly on human intimacy. I realize that being married holds no guarantee of a beautifully deep and intimate connection. Many married people with whom I have connected personally and professionally are missing this in their lives as well.
Designed for Connection
I believe that God has designed each of us with a profound need for human connection. I also believe, in my head, even if not always in my heart, that I have real opportunities for intimacy available to me with friends and family. The problem, however, is that I am sinful and insecure. I am rarely willing to dive into the depths of my pain with my friends or family members. One of two things usually happens:
- I feel afraid that I will bore them, singing a tired tune of loneliness and so I pull back from expressing how I’m feeling, or
- I hear the well-meaning but exhausting comment of, “I just know God has someone for you.”
It is in these two parallel occurrences that I want to dwell during the remainder of this article.
To the Single Person . . .
First, I implore you to trust in God’s design around human intimacy. He created us for intimacy. It is a lie to believe that you are doomed to be unknown and unseen unless you get married. When I am able to share my pain, my joy, my excitement, my fear, or whatever has occupied my heart and mind lately, with someone who truly loves me, I believe I am living out the abundant life. Christ did not die so that we could have guarded and fearful relationships.
We Christians should be the safest and the most vulnerable, risking our pride for the sake of “being one” as Christ and the Father are one. I do believe our innermost thoughts and feelings are sacred and I am not advocating that you “cast your pearls before swine.” But when you find safe people who truly love you, do not content yourself with mediocre relationships. I believe with everything in me that the remedy of our soul’s deepest ache is found in intimacy with God and in the community He designed for us.
To the Married Person . . .
Next, I plead with you – care for your single friends with empathy and sincerity. When comments similar to the one above are made, I want you to understand how I as a single person internalize it. It’s as if you are saying, “I am uncomfortable sitting with you in your pain and with the reality that you may never get married, so I am going to say something that I hope brings you back out of your pain and into hope.” Please don’t do this. When I am feeling lonely and someone is unwilling to empathize with me and sit with me in my pain, that kind of response only leaves me feeling more disconnected.
Empathy is Key
Brene Brown has a delightful video on empathy where she explains that connection is the key to empathy. It is where you find something in yourself that connects with the pain in another. Then, you simply say, “I don’t even know what to say right now, I’m just so glad you told me.” I say this not to discourage but to inspire because you are a part of my remedy–our remedy. We need you. In the ups and downs of my singleness, I need you to be my community, my safe place. I hope you can see it is a sacred invitation into places of my fear and insecurity. I need you to stay with me in that pain when I am struck with despair at never being married. It is there that I find what I am actually aching for: to be known and seen and loved.
Relief for the Loneliness
It is in these simple but profound interactions that the relief of our loneliness is found. Calling these simple does not mean that they are easy.
Single people, I know that it is scary to be so honest. I know it is exhausting to have people say trite and insensitive things about your singleness.
Married people, I can only imagine that you have your own challenges, maybe even in your marriage. Maybe you are envious of our freedom and independence. Or maybe you are just trying to be helpful and kind. Maybe you are afraid that if you go deep into my pain I won’t come out. But please understand that when you are with me in my pain, it doesn’t feel so overwhelming anymore.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.