Start Fighting for Them!
We all know that marriage is a journey, but sometimes, it feels more like a boxing match, doesn’t it? Arguments and disagreements are part of the deal, but what if you could change the game? Imagine a different kind of boxing ring, where your gloves symbolize understanding, empathy, and validation. It’s time for you to stop using your arguments as boxing gloves to protect yourself and, instead, step into the ring and start fighting for each other.
Round 1: Understanding the Purpose of the Gloves
In a regular boxing match, gloves are mostly about protecting your hands (that and reducing physical trauma to the sparring partner, but go with me here). Similarly, in your marriage, arguments often become a way to defend yourself from perceived threats. But what if you reimagined the purpose of these metaphorical gloves? Imagine putting on your partner’s gloves to better understand their perspective.
Validation is the key here. When you fight for each other, you actively seek to acknowledge your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences. By examining and thinking through their emotional responses, you can build a connection based on empathy, leading to a deeper understanding of each other.
Round 2: Empathy as the Cornerstone
The entire goal of the exercise is sincere understanding. By shifting away from your own defensiveness (easier said than done), you are building a case for why your spouse’s emotions are valid. By practicing empathy, you can transform your conflicts into opportunities for connection.
Imagine a scenario where an argument arises. Instead of immediately raising your defenses, choose to wear your partner’s gloves. Listen actively, seeking to understand the emotions fueling their words. By empathizing with their perspective, you open a dialogue that fosters connection rather than division.
Round 3: Validating the Point of View
When you validate your partner’s point of view, you communicate that their feelings are heard and respected. It doesn’t mean you must agree with everything they say, but acknowledging their perspective is crucial for building trust and mutual understanding. Validation requires a time commitment and humility – a willingness to admit that your partner’s experiences are valid, even if they differ from yours. It’s a conscious choice to prioritize the relationship over being right. By validating each other, you can break free from the cycle of fighting and destructive arguments, repair the relationship, and even begin filling your and your partner’s needs of understanding and empathy.
Round 4: What Are You Protecting?
I want to take the metaphor a step further. Imagine for a moment that behind the adult version of you with boxing gloves on, you have a younger, more vulnerable version of yourself that needs protection. Typically, my clients imagine the younger version of themselves around 8 or 9 years old. This version of self represents all the hope, optimism, innocence, and sincerity that is hidden behind layers of hurt, but it also represents insecurity, fear, and vulnerability.
I want you to ask yourself, what does the child need? Protection? Validation? Support? Affirmation? Likely a mixture of these. My clients typically find it a powerful exercise to close their eyes and imagine the 8-year-old version of their partner. Small, scared, and vulnerable. It’s much easier to stop the punches when they are aimed at this version of your spouse. And consequently, it is much easier to empathize with what they are feeling and needing.
And this is the whole point: to develop empathy for your spouse. To give them the dignity of validation. So try it. The next time you find yourselves in an argument, agree to pause and try this out. Breathe. Slow things down and see who has the capacity to put on their spouse’s gloves for a minute. If neither of you has the capacity, then it is best to take a break for 5-30 minutes and try again. It’s about validation and understanding. You don’t have to agree with everything, but try articulating their perspective as if you are defending the 8-year-old. Once they agree that you understand, then switch.
Marriage isn’t about avoiding conflicts but navigating them with intention and grace. Instead of using arguments as boxing gloves to protect yourself, put on your partner’s gloves and start fighting for each other. By seeking to understand, empathize, and validate one another, you can transform your conflicts into opportunities for growth, connection, and a deeper, more fulfilling partnership. Your marriage is not a battleground; it’s a space where love, respect, and understanding can thrive when you choose to fight for each other.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA, LAMFT
Roswell and Buckhead locations
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing various issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also provides marriage and premarital counseling and has completed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) training.