I believe that God created and blessed sex as a gift to His children. He always intended it to be a physical manifestation of emotional and spiritual love. Unfortunately, the enemy does everything he can to twist and spoil it. As a result, couples are often robbed of the freedom of intimacy God designed for sexuality. Instead, they feel tremendous shame or disconnection. By discussing common misconceptions or miscommunications about sex, my hope is two-fold. First, I want to reduce some of the shame around sexuality. Secondly, I hope to spark a discussion about sex between you and your spouse.
The Misconceptions
1. You shouldn’t talk during sex or foreplay (unless you are talking dirty).
Introduce communication into your encounters.
If there is one misconception that I could fix for every couple I work with, this would be it. Talking is good. Our culture encourages sex without any discussion or verbal communication, but we are created to connect deeply through the words we say. I believe fear drives this misconception. First, sex is vulnerable. Being naked before your spouse is beautiful, but it can also bring out insecurities and shame. Spouses are afraid that they will “ruin the mood” or “get shut down” if they voice their thoughts, feelings, or desires; but I challenge you to try to gradually introduce communication into your encounters.
Begin with simple things.
At first, you can use affirmations, voiced desires, encouragements or requests to stop/change what is being done. These types of communications will help you and your spouse understand what you prefer and are comfortable with. I don’t believe there is a “right” amount of time that couples should be talking, but I do encourage you to push against any shame, fear, or self-consciousness that might be inhibiting deeper intimacy for you.
2. Sex is like baseball.
Change that metaphor.
I want to completely change the metaphor you use when you think about sex. The most commonly used today is that of a baseball field. There are several issues with this metaphor as it relates to sexuality. First, it is performance-based. Baseball is essentially pass/fail. Either you get to home plate or it is a waste of time. In sex, this puts far too much importance on intercourse and orgasm and far too much pressure on those involved. Secondly, it is too narrow and boring. There are only four bases on a baseball field and that leaves a great deal to be desired in regard to creativity and freedom.
Consider two better metaphors.
The first is the garden.
The Bible uses this extensively in the Song of Solomon and there are several advantages to it. It encourages growth and change. Intimacy may begin as awkward or unfulfilling; but as you and your spouse work together and “till” the ground, you can begin to see the fruit of your labors. Gardens are full of beauty to taste and behold. This encourages an understanding that there isn’t one “right” or “best” way to explore intimacy together; instead, different fruit can be “tasted” as you both desire. Beyond this, the fruit metaphor creates beautiful meaning around fostered intimacy and procreation.
The second is the playground.
There is no pass/fail in a playground, the whole point is to facilitate fun within safe boundaries. This has many wonderful applications for sexuality, especially when the goal of sexuality becomes intimacy and not orgasm. Sex becomes something much more free and creative. Cuddling, massage, kissing, intercourse, genital play, these all become different activities on the playground that build towards the ultimate goal of intimacy.
3. Foreplay is for the bedroom.
Foreplay happens throughout the day.
I regularly encourage my clients to shift their understanding that foreplay is only okay in the bedroom. In contrast, touch can create excitement and connection throughout the day that makes coming together in the bedroom much easier and more natural. I want to challenge you both to keep this from becoming sex-focused or manipulative. The goal is not to touch each other throughout the day to increase your chances of “getting lucky” after the kids are asleep. On the contrary, the goal is to create a supportive and affectionate environment so neither spouse feels like intercourse is more important than intimacy. This will help create a meaningful connection that isn’t centered on sex and orgasm. Touch is powerful, safe and affectionate touch releases oxytocin in the bloodstream that increases the sense of trust and bonding. It also works to “grease the gears” and create opportunities for desire.
Touch is a powerful way to communicate.
There are a couple of caveats to this. Some of my clients (especially women) report feeling, “touched out” during most of the day. With young children requiring constant attention and affection, this is a real concern. I encourage you to have a conversation with your spouse about what is desired and how you both can implement touch throughout the day that communicates desire, care, and support for your partner.
There are obviously many more misconceptions about sex that I could address here. If these three are addressed and you both work to replace them with truth, I believe you will notice dramatic shifts in your sexual intimacy.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.
Resource:
Heather Blunt-Vinti, Kristen N Jozkowski & Mary Hunt (2019) Show or Tell? Does Verbal and/or Nonverbal Sexual Communication Matter for Sexual Satisfaction?, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45:3, 206-217, DOI: 10.1080/0092623X.2018.1501446