Over the years that I’ve been practicing as a therapist, I’ve seen a lot of parent-teen relationships—most of them were a privilege to walk through and see a beautiful transformation in how mothers and daughters and fathers and sons were able to relate and communicate. A few had more difficulties—stomping around the therapy room, yelling, running out of the office, and mocking each other. As controlled and safe as we (therapists) attempt to make the therapy room, on the rare occasion things just jump from zero to 100 very quickly—most often a nervous system response to past trauma. Relationships are messy on this side of heaven.
What is the common thread of the parent-teen relationships that go well?
A willingness to listen and communicate well, and the balance between responsibility and freedom. There are a couple of questions that I encourage parents to ask their teens that I’ve found open the doors to communication rather than ending with them turning away—all with one major theme: “How can I support you?”
The key is balancing autonomy with guidance. We can further break this down into three questions, because the truth is, even most adults have difficulty figuring out what they need.
- Do you just need me to listen?
- Would you like to talk through a solution?
- Can I offer a hug?
I think as parents we are so quick to want to solve our children’s problems that most of the time that is what we jump to (myself included)—we want it to be made better, we want them not to feel pain or hardship or failure because of our own experiences. What if our first response was to help them figure out how to communicate what they need? Offering presence, offering the option of a solution, but also trusting that we have equipped them by adolescence to be able to figure out some things on their own and at the end of the day they may just want the safety of a hug.
Keep in mind that sometimes, you will still get told no, maybe to all three questions. But if you keep offering, your child knows that when they are ready open up, you are ready to be the hands and feet of Jesus.
Written by: Coleen Dixon