We all struggle with entitlement personally and intellectually. I thought entitlement was defined as “someone who is completely self-centered and makes everything about them.” I did not believe I was entitled because I cared deeply about people. I did not want a lot of attention from others and tried to be humble. To summarize, I was unaware of myself and my sense of entitlement for the majority of my life. That is until people who truly knew me and cared about my life challenged my beliefs about myself.
What is entitlement?
We can easily shift into misinterpreting entitlement. The Oxford dictionary defines entitlement as “having a right to something”[i]. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as “a belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.”[ii] These two definitions have a subtle, yet tremendous difference. If misunderstood, the consequences can be weighty. It can result in either living in wholeness or living life with greater anxiety and resentment.
Two Types of Entitlement
Entitlement may be material or relational, and there is a difference. An example of material entitlement is when someone saves enough money and buys a car. The dealership who has the right to the car then entitles the car to the person purchasing it. They are then entitled and control the right to their car.
An example of relational entitlement is when someone’s behavior is based on a belief system that they are better than others. They believe that their needs are more important than someone else’s. Such as a person interrupts constantly or asks their friends and family for financial support but refuses to find a job.
Dr. John Townsend defines relational entitlement as “the belief that I am exempt from responsibility and I am owed special treatment.”[iii] In other words “I am not only unique and special but better than, which makes me and my needs more important compared to other humans. I am above others despite the reality that God created us all equal.”
Where does our entitlement come from?
From a biblical perspective, entitlement manifested itself when Satan said, “I will make myself like the Most High” and sinned against God (Isaiah 14:14). Satan tempted Adam and Eve with the same idea of entitlement. “Ever since Eden, we humans want to be like God, with all his privileges and power, and—the every definition of entitlement—we feel it is our right. Entitlement infects our brains with the notion, I have a right to more and better; in fact, I am owed that.”[iv] Adam and Eve went from thriving and living in harmony with God and each other to the trauma of disconnection and state of self-preservation.
From a psychological perspective, entitlement manifests itself in our lives from a belief system that stems from our experiences and upbringing. We all share the struggle of entitlement. However, some struggle with entitlement more than others. It can get to the point where it consumes them consciously or unconsciously.
Breeding Grounds for Entitlement
A common starting point is with the child whose:
- parent(s) provided most everything they asked for. The child then learns to believe: “I should get what I want,” or “I want it now!” or “I’m special.”
- parent(s) or others neglected and shamed them constantly or treated them terribly compared to their other sibling(s) or others. The child then learns to protect their sense of self through a mask of pride, confidence, and performance in order to get approval and attention from anyone.
- family member(s) were overly-responsible for the child’s feelings, actions, and responsibilities. Common statements from family members are “Don’t worry, I’ve got it! It’s okay”, “Here, I’ll just do it.” The child learns to become dependent on one or more family members meeting their “needs.” They are unable to handle discomfort or much responsibility on their own without someone intervening. The child then learns to believe, “I can’t do things on my own so my needs are more important compared to others.”
- family was more concerned with the “image” of the family than with each family member. The child learns they have to be seen as “better than” to be okay.
Other beliefs and expectations that breed entitlement are:
- “I deserve things to be easy and quick for me”
- “I’m the best/ better than”
- “I deserve….”
- “I’m not wrong, its everyone else’s fault”
- “I’m usually right”
- “I have to have…”
- “I just want to be happy.”
- “Life should be easy and comfortable most of the time”
- “My needs are greater than others”
There is a caveat to the belief “my needs are greater than others.” There is a vital difference between someone who has needs they cannot deal with on their own or take care of themselves and someone who has needs and is capable of taking care of themselves.
Consequences of Entitlement
When the seeds of entitlement grow, often weeds keep a person blinded from seeing the full picture of life. These weeds include, but are not limited to:
- Narcissism
- Grandiosity
- Arrogance and ignorance
- Defensiveness
- Anger
- Inability to listen to others
- Anxiety and resentment due to living with unhelpful expectations
- Objectification of others
- Isolation
- Lack of responsibility
- Lack of tolerance to discomfort
- Externalization (projecting emotional disturbance and blaming others)
- Life dreams and goals not met
- Denial
- Perfectionism
- Lack of healthy self-image and esteem
How Do I Combat My Entitlement? [v]
- Be aware. This is the sobering first step of coming out of denial and living in the reality that we all deal with entitlement.
- Practice acceptance. You must be balanced in the truth of who God is and who you are. This enables you to live life with a helpful belief system and expectations that stem from your beliefs.
- Practice the skill of surrender and humility. Balance the reality that we are all unique and equal at the same time. Therefore, we must surrender our hearts and minds to Him. As we renew both, we become oriented to the truth of who God is and who He says we are.
- Be dependent on Christ. Our identity is not in what we do but in who we are. This can be extremely hard to separate.
- Own your strengths and struggles. Be mindful of your personality and upbringing. This is crucial to knowing how entitlement grows in your life.
- Know the difference between a want and a need. Ask yourself, “In the grand scheme of things, is this a physical and emotional need, or is this just a want?”
- Do the next hard thing. Fight through the, “I don’t want to’s. ” Instead, ask yourself, “Am I doing the things I need to be doing even though I don’t want to?”
- Ask for accountability and find support. Be vulnerable with your struggles, particularly entitlement. This can provoke anxiety because of the fear of the unknown. How will people react? Yet, it is vital to be in a community of people who can keep us accountable with love. Awareness and love help heal the wounds of entitlement.
Written by: Micah Mabe, MA MFT, APC
micah@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 158
Micah comes from a Christian background and enjoys working with adolescents and families, as well as couples. His focus is coming alongside families, adolescents, and teenagers who desire to find help and resolution. His other focus is helping couples who want to understand and love their partner better to enhance their marriage. He also helps couples who are in conflictual relationships that are struggling with disconnection and isolation.
Resources:
[i] Entitlement. (2019). In Oxford Online Dictionary. Retrieved from https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/entitlement
[ii] Entitlement. 2019. In Merriam-Webster.com. Retrieved July 5th, 2020, from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/entitlement
[iii] Townsend, J. S. (2018). The Entitlement Cure: Finding success in doing hard things the right way (p. 19). Grand Rapids, MI, MI: Zondervan.
[iv] Townsend, J. S. (2018). The Entitlement Cure: Finding success in doing hard things the right way (p. 52). Grand Rapids, MI, MI: Zondervan.
[v] Townsend, J. S. (2018). The Entitlement Cure: Finding success in doing hard things the right way. Grand Rapids, MI, MI: Zondervan.