The very first thing I need to admit to you as I begin this article is that I don’t have this all figured out. In fact, I’m writing this to you as the feeling of failure still threatens to wash over me on a daily basis. I’m writing this as I am “in process” because I want you to know what is actually working for me. I also want you to know that just as therapy goes, nothing I write in here is a quick-fix. It takes time and practice. It takes an actual shift in your brain’s neurons to begin believing that something else is true.
All of us have feelings of failure sometimes, because all of us fail at various times in our lives. But for some of us, that feeling of failure comes on more quickly, even for small mistakes. And for an even more targeted group of us, the feeling of failure lingers longer than it should.
How do you know if this is you? Let me give you some context clues that may suggest you’re experiencing feelings of failure.
- You stop yourself from doing things you want to do – starting a new hobby, looking for a new job, asking someone out on a date, etc.
- You find yourself noticing when others are “better at” something than you
- You think things like “I really messed that up” or “They’re never going to ask me to do another project because I didn’t do well.”
- You procrastinate because you’re afraid you won’t do well or you overwork trying to make whatever you’re doing just right
- You feel anxiety that people will “find you out”
- You discount the good that you do
Does any of this sound familiar? You may be struggling with feeling like you are a failure. And nobody wants to walk through life constantly feeling like they are not good enough!
Here are some subtle shifts I’ve made that have really helped me with moving through my feelings of failure.
- You have to name when the thoughts of failure or feelings of shame are happening. If you are my client, you will always hear me start with this. You can’t change something if you don’t even know it’s happening! Spend a day taking stock of your thoughts and begin to recognize when you’re feeling like a failure.
- Call it out when the failure thoughts are happening. You can simply say to yourself “Oh, there are those failure thoughts again.” You’re trying to call it out for what it is – only a thought.
- Give yourself compassion. I know you might be saying “yeah yeah yeah” and skip over this one. But part of the reason you struggle with feeling like a failure is because you’re so hard on yourself. If this feels difficult for you, imagine what you would say to a friend in your situation. It’s typically easier for us to be kinder to our friends than ourselves.
It is an extremely heavy weight to carry when you feel like you are failing often, if not all the time. If I were a gambling person, I would go all in on the guess that you are doing more good than you realize. I hope you remember that today.
Written by Ashley Skinner, MA, APC
Woodstock Location
ashley@restorationcounselingatl.com ext 119
Ashley focuses on offering you space, time, and attention to tell your story. She provides holistic care, taking time to explore the mind, body, and soul to help you create a healthier and more meaningful life. Ashley works with anxiety, perfectionism, self-esteem issues, trauma, and grief. While you will have space and time in the therapy room, Ashley is also known for providing easy and practical homework that can fit into your everyday life so that you can practice healthy growth in your everyday life.