I’m sure that most of us in a committed relationship have thought to ourselves at some point that our spouse could use a little therapy! We see the way they struggle at work or get frustrated with them in a fight and think that if they could just get some help and work through “that one thing,” our lives would be easier.
When Therapy Becomes a Necessity
I’m a big fan of therapy (obviously) and even appreciate how many folks are beginning to come to therapy preventatively or for maintenance rather than just for a crisis. What I want to discuss is when therapy becomes a necessity for someone. Is your spouse struggling to get out of bed and function in everyday living? Are they exploding in anger at you or your family members? Are they having panic attacks? Maybe you feel completely disconnected from your spouse, but they insist that your relationship is fine. Maybe you feel like you’re not sure you can continue on like this, yet your spouse doesn’t seem to want to get the help they need.
Let me begin by reminding you that ultimately, we cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. I’m not a puppet master that can teach you how to puppeteer others (though sometimes I think that would be nice)! I can only set you up for the best chance at success as well as help you manage yourself in a time of struggle.
Watching your spouse struggle is harder than it may seem. For one, it is hard to watch the person you love go through something difficult because we want to see our loved ones flourish. It can also be difficult because it affects you so deeply – it affects your relationship as well as your daily living.
If you are going through this right now, I see you, I’m sorry, and I wish I could fix it for you. Although I can’t fix it, I can give you some pointers to help you along the way.
Take Care of Yourself
When a spouse is struggling, you end up carrying a heavier load. Whether that load is taking on more chores around the house, taking the mental load of accomplishing daily tasks, or carrying the burden of a declining relationship, things fall on you that you didn’t have to carry before. Be sure to take the time to shower, laugh, walk, sleep, or anything else that has taken the back burner. I know you might feel as though you don’t have time for these things, but trust me, making the time for them is crucial to getting you through.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate
There are two pieces to consider as you deal with your spouse’s struggles. First is that you need to communicate with your spouse about how you are feeling. Your spouse needs to know how their struggles are affecting you. Sometimes when we are going through something, we are so deep in our world that we don’t know how it is affecting those around us. We need to be told. Also, anyone who is my client knows that open and honest communication are top priorities for me when I’m helping people with their relationships. You need to understand each other. Second, be thoughtful in how you are communicating with your spouse. Being open and honest is important, but so is being kind and empathetic to your spouse. You are more likely to be heard by them if you communicate in a way that they can hear you.
Be Prepared to Help Research
I often hear a spouse say that their significant other either says that they don’t need help or promises to get help, but never makes an appointment. Believe me, I understand how frustrating this can be. Although it is ideal that your spouse would make the appointment and seek out the treatment that they need, you may need to grit your teeth a bit and help them start the process. It may be that you do some research and find a therapist who would be a good fit, or you may go as far as making the appointment for them. Ultimately, you cannot force your spouse to go to therapy, but you can get them closer to it.
Know Your Boundaries
When your spouse is going through something difficult or when your marriage feels like it is falling apart, you may need to decide what your boundaries and needs are. The point of establishing boundaries and needs is not to give an ultimatum, but to hopefully grow the marriage in a way where both partners can feel seen and known. You may communicate to your spouse that you feel the marriage is struggling and you would like to try counseling for a set amount of sessions. You may ask your spouse to do one thing per day or per week to help you out around the house, or ask for a night or weekend away to help fill your cup again. It is helpful to establish yourself outside of the struggle.
It can feel isolating and hopeless when you know that your spouse would benefit from getting help, but they just won’t take the steps. I want you to know that it is possible for them to get help and things can change. If you are needing some extra support while you attempt to help your spouse, please don’t hesitate to reach out to me. I’m here to help.
Written by Ashley Skinner, MA, APC
Woodstock Location
ashley@restorationcounselingatl.com ext 119
Ashley takes a multi-theory approach to psychotherapy. She works with individuals aged 18 and up, dealing with anxiety or depression, postpartum anxiety or depression, trauma, abuse, life transitions, self-esteem issues, and grief.