What is a Marriage Mission Statement?
The simplest definition is a summary statement describing the aims, values, or reasons for the existence of an organization or individual.
Why is this important?
When I meet with a couple, one of my first statements is that my clinical focus is the relationship, not either individual. The marriage is a separate entity and needs just as much attention as each partner desires for themselves. Regardless of the length of time the marriage has existed, having a vision beyond what spouses feel toward each other can anchor a couple to endure the difficult seasons of marriage.
If a couple is not intentional, the relationship can wither over time. Conversely, a focused effort will cause a relationship to grow.
A marriage mission statement is casting a vision of what your marriage can be and outlining the steps to achieve that picture.
Identify Core Values
Each husband and wife have a set of core values that consciously or unconsciously guide their actions and, ultimately, the relationship.
Dozens of values may be integrated into a mission statement.
This article will focus on commitment, communication & conflict, expectations, safety, identity, and spirituality.
Commitment
Be intentional. It is important to understand yourself and your spouse’s mindset toward marriage.
A mindset is a perspective a man or woman enters with and maintains within a marriage. Some guiding questions that reveal mindset include: Are you both determined to make the marriage last forever? Do you see marriage as a piece of paper or a life-long commitment? How have you been affirming the promises made in the beginning and recommitting to keeping those promises?
Even if both partners do not agree on everything in a scenario, there needs to be enough agreement to honor each other and the Lord.
For instance, if one partner drinks and the other does not, the couple can agree to neither pressure nor ridicule each other and refrain from overindulgence.
Safety
Boundaries are necessary even in healthy marriages. There is a point where the individual ends and the couple begin. Navigating that can be a challenge for some relationships. There must always be a sense of safety, not just physically and sexually (which should be an expectation), but also mentally and emotionally.
Husbands and wives need safety to speak the truth to each other in love and for transparency that eliminates hiding or withholding from each other. Truth does not advocate for brutal honesty but cares for each heart as God cares for each of us. Again, this might have to be learned or need the aid of a therapist.
Identity
Each couple has an identity based on the shared meaning and purpose developed over time. An internal question I ask myself when first meeting a couple is, what is keeping this couple together? Is it the children, the years together, the Lord, and/or the idea of ‘true love’? In my experience, many couples get together and stay together without specific intent.
Guidance Questions for Identity
If the Lord has drawn you together, what is the shared meaning that you have created? What makes your union unique? How will you govern your home as a couple?
Communication & Conflict
Communication is truly the lifeblood of the relationship. Men and women often communicate differently. Understanding those dynamics can help maintain a friendship, greater intimacy, and understanding of each other.
Cultivate a culture of listening to each other and asking clarification questions. Respond to understand. Empathize with your partner, rather than justify your stance. In most cases, people do not automatically know how to communicate with each other. You might need to learn through the counseling process because healthy communication is neither taught in school nor in most churches.
Conflict is inevitable when two people come together. However, conflict can draw individuals together when we seek to understand the needs of our partners and empathize with their feelings. Acknowledgment is required, not agreement, to overcome even the greatest of injuries.
Expectations and Disappointment
We are hard-wired for love in different ways. We have needs that sometimes go unexpressed or unmet. Having a need or want is not a bad thing by itself. However, when those needs are unmet, there is often disappointment, which can inspire unhealthy responses.
What is most helpful is to self-soothe and ensure that we are going to God to meet our needs before we go to our mates, friends, or family. Disappointment does not have to devastate a relationship but can cause us to turn back to the Lord for our ultimate comfort. Each couple needs to spend time conversing on how they desire to handle disappointment individually and as a unit.
Using Scripture to Guide the Marriage Mission Statement
Researching Scripture
Several scriptures can guide the creation of the marriage mission statement. These include Joshua 24: 14a,15b; Jeremiah 29:11-14; Proverbs 29:18; Habakuk 2:2-3; Ephesians 3:16-19; or James 1:23-25. I invite you to read these on your own.
I find Colossians 3:12-17 particularly inspiring. Verses 12 – 14 state, Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive. Above all, put on love, which is the perfect bond of unity.
Applying Scripture
The most important principle in this article is to have scripture be the template of what you desire yourself and your marriage to become, not taking scripture and bending it to your will.
Each person is given spiritual gifting and an individual calling by God. How do you integrate your calling, spiritual gifts, and calling as a couple? Look at your past and your passions. List them out to see what the future might hold for you.
As the family of God, couples are invited to serve each other, their families, and communities intentionally regardless of where they live, doctrinal distinction, or even where they attend church.
How to Develop and Walk Out your Marriage Mission Statement
Dedicate time to spend together deciding what to focus on for your marriage mission statement.
Suggest a few scripts to study through and understand together.
Decide whether you will meet for a few minutes a week or block out a few hours to work through this.
Discover your values by taking a personal inventory or signing up for the SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts) premarital or marriage enrichment assessment.
Pray for and with each other about what and where God desires to lead you and how He has uniquely called you to be together.
Revisit and reevaluate the mission every few months to measure growth and increase intimate conversations.
Ask and answer questions about how you experience your relationship, how you are connecting, and how you understand who God is.
Find another couple to mentor or be mentored by because engagement in a community can be a major source of support.
Sample Marriage Mission Statements
Here is a list of statements that comprise a mission statement. There is no prescribed length, but you can strive for five to seven statements.
- We desire to do everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
- We will prioritize enjoying each other through adventure, loving each other intimately, and with unlimited kindness.
- We will bear with each other’s weaknesses and forgive each other for the sake of unity.
- As a man, I am committed to intentionally encouraging those around me and holding myself and others accountable.
- As a woman, I am committed to speaking up for others without a voice and challenging myself to overcome fear and the limitations others place on me.
- We have been drawn together to make a difference in the world through our guidance, generosity, and compassion to show each person we interact with that they matter and were created with dignity.
- As a marriage, we will mutually submit to, and respect each other, communicate often, and listen well to each other.
- We will serve God, then our family, then our church, followed by our neighborhood.
- Our spiritual gifts reflect our love for the next generation to teach and train them in the fear and admonition of the Lord.
- We will train our children to appreciate and love diverse cultures and nourish them to become productive members of society.
- We will manage conflict by using timeouts, self-soothing, reflective listening, and being quick to apologize.
- We will cherish one another’s hearts by maintaining an environment of safety, filling our home with laughter, and expressing gratitude often.
If you desire to work through understanding your values, self-soothing, communication, or adopting scripture for your family, please reach out to us.
by James E. Francis, Jr., EdD, APC
james@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext 118
James Francis has a heart for helping males struggling with anxiety, anger, depression, life transitions, resilience, and spiritual maturity. He also sees clients dealing with grief, infidelity, and pornography addiction. He has experience in marriage counseling and premarital counseling. James keeps it real, believes in second chances, and loves to meet others where they are.