Lasting Change Takes Time, but Relief Can Begin Today
Imagine that your favorite houseplant is wilting. Most of us wouldn’t begin by digging up its roots to look for disease. Instead, we would start by addressing its immediate needs. Does it need water? More sunlight? Sometimes, this simple care is all it takes to begin reviving the plant.
Marriage can be similar. While some relationship struggles require deeper exploration and healing, attending to the relationship’s immediate needs can often bring short-term relief. Before we examine everything that has gone wrong, we can start by asking what might help the relationship feel a little healthier today.
Understandably, many couples come to counseling hoping for a quick fix. They are hurting and longing for relief. Yet it takes time for a counselor to understand a couple’s story, identify patterns in their relationship, and help them move toward greater health and connection. Identifying one small step to take today is often a good place to begin.
The Power of Fondness and Admiration
In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, relationship researcher John Gottman emphasizes the importance of fondness and admiration in sustaining a healthy marriage. Even when couples feel stressed or disconnected, intentionally expressing appreciation and respect can begin to soften tension and restore a sense of connection.
Scripture reinforces this idea by offering wisdom about the power of our words. Ephesians 4:29 says, “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”
Applying this principle in marriage requires intentionality. When we feel hurt or frustrated, speaking kindly may be the last thing we want to do. Yet choosing words that build up, not tear down, can provide opportunities for connection, even when deeper issues remain unresolved.
Cultivating Change Beyond the Counseling Room
Couples counseling is an effective way to identify unhealthy patterns, address longstanding hurts, and create space for each partner to feel understood. It can also help guide couples in developing insight and practicing new ways of relating to one another. But lasting change happens as partners begin applying what they learn outside the counseling room.
As couples work to cultivate fondness and admiration, they can practice simple, intentional actions between sessions. Notice something your partner does well. Express gratitude for an everyday act of care. Share something you appreciate or respect about your partner.
For example, rather than saying, “You’re a great spouse,” try, “I noticed you took care of dinner tonight when I was exhausted. I felt cared for, and I appreciate that you did that for me.”
Specific expressions of appreciation are often more meaningful than general compliments because they communicate that we are paying attention. They help our partners feel seen and remind us to notice the good that may have become harder to recognize amid the stresses of everyday life. These small gestures may not resolve every conflict, but they can gradually shift the emotional atmosphere of a relationship and create space for reconnection.
Kindness Does Not Mean Ignoring Hurt
Of course, appreciation alone cannot repair every marriage. Many relationships have experienced deep hurts that require repair and significant change. If you are a couple in crisis, you may be reading about fondness and admiration and thinking, “But you don’t understand what my spouse has done.”
I want to acknowledge that concern. Choosing to speak with kindness does not mean denying your hurt or overlooking harmful behavior. It does not require you to ignore broken trust or minimize the impact of your partner’s choices. Rather, it means recognizing that we can communicate our pain honestly without deliberately wounding the person we are trying to reconnect with.
Genuine repair requires more than kind words. It also requires accountability, changed behavior, and a willingness to address the issues that have damaged the relationship. In some circumstances, safety and appropriate boundaries must come first. Expressing admiration is not a substitute for addressing harmful patterns or rebuilding trust.
The goal is not to use positive words to cover over painful realities. Instead, it is to create opportunities for connection while remaining honest about the work that still needs to be done.
Nurturing Your Marriage Can Start Today
Returning to our houseplant analogy, digging up the roots is not usually the first step when a plant is struggling. We begin by attending to its immediate needs while recognizing that deeper problems will eventually require attention. Simply repositioning the plant or giving it water can help it begin to thrive while we determine what else it needs to flourish.
Sometimes, choosing one small step you can take today to nurture your relationship is more helpful than trying to resolve everything at once. Attending to your marriage’s present needs and exploring its deeper struggles work hand in hand. What might your marriage need today to help prepare the ground for meaningful healing and lasting change?
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert. Harmony Books.
The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. (2001).
Written by: Becky Philo
becky@restorationcounselingatl.com; 678-534-3824, ext.121
Becky Philo (Roswell) is an Associate Professional Counselor with specialized trauma therapy training, including a certificate in Trauma-Focused CBT. She enjoys working with individuals and couples in challenging life seasons. Becky has been married to her husband for 33 years, and they have four adult daughters. With a person-centered approach to therapy, Becky offers a calm and accepting presence for teens, individual adults, and couples with issues including depression, anxiety, marriage and parenting challenges, interpersonal matters, and trauma. Becky also enjoys working with premarital couples and is a certified Prepare Enrich Facilitator.