Being a mother is quite complex. It is a combination of many joyful and challenging moments. There are times when I look at the clock at 4 pm to realize that bedtime is still 3.5 hours away. After glancing at the clock, I check in with myself and realize I have been needing to go to the bathroom for the last 45 minutes. I think I am being discreet as I attempt to dash away for a moment, but I am quickly followed by my two small children wanting me to hold them. The rest of the afternoon continues with many moments of joy accompanied by times of frustration and tears. Once bedtime concludes, I sit on the sofa with my husband and debrief from the day. After that, I find myself scrolling on my phone for pictures of my kids because I already miss them.
For the first ten years of a child’s life, his parents are his favorite people. That desire to be with his parents is worth savoring, and it can also feel like there is pressure to spend every moment together since this season is fleeting. As a mother to young children, I often hear older mothers saying, “Enjoy every moment.” When I hear that advice, I notice that I feel guilt because I don’t enjoy every moment.
I would like to invite you to reframe the phrase “enjoy every moment” and instead adopt the mantra, “find a few moments to enjoy today.” There will be moments of challenge, and those can be opportunities to understand ourselves and our children better. It is wonderful to be one of the most important people in my child’s life, and that can also feel engulfing at times–both are true. Be honest with yourself about the moments that you don’t enjoy. I want to encourage you to embrace the complexity of motherhood.
A verse that I cling to often is, “He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young” (Isaiah 40:11). The God of the Universe knows that I will need him to gently lead me with my children because of how challenging it can be to be a mother. He sees me in my humanity and desires to lead me because I am His child.
Being a mother reminds me of how much I desire control and for my plans to go a certain way. It also reminds me to focus on how I can make each moment holy with God and my child. I can embrace my own neediness and depend on God to show them that I am also a child of God.
Defining Guilt
The true meaning of guilt is that we have violated a moral code. Ask yourself this question–have I violated a moral code by spending time away from my kids? No, you have not! In fact, spending time away allows you to be a better, healthier version of yourself. I think what we truly feel as mothers is that our children are only little for a short period of time, and we fear that we may look back with regret that we didn’t enjoy all the moments. We also feel sadness that we may miss out on an opportunity to be with them. All of these feelings are valid. They must be acknowledged and recognized in order to be moved through our bodies. I have less sadness about missing time with my kids when I have been present with them.
Last month, my husband and I went away for the weekend, and both of our kids got sick while we were gone. The mom guilt that I felt came bubbling to the surface about leaving both of them. I was reminded by a dear friend that I need time away so I can enjoy being a mother. My children do not benefit if I feel guilt while I’m away from them. The times I have felt guilty are when I have come back frustrated and dysregulated. I want to teach my kids to become parents who spend time with their family and their friends. The quantity of time I spend with my kids does not equal quality time.
Practical Ways to be Present
- I try to put my phone away in the evenings and during bedtime to have one-on-one time with each of my children. When I do this, I enjoy them more, and I am more centered and present with them.
- I notice when I am feeling overwhelmed and pray that the Lord can give me the grace to be present. I will also ask the Holy Spirit to come into my moments with them.
- I find ways to engage with each child and find what they are interested in when we have our one-on-one time together.
- I find ways to fill myself up in other relationships so I can be more present.
- I use exercise as a way to help me be energized and engaged.
- I have several other women that I talk with often to help me with what I am feeling.
- We have rest time at our house every day in the middle of the afternoon so everyone can recharge. My children do not typically take naps anymore, but it allows them to learn to play independently.
Embrace Your Emotions
I also want to encourage you to embrace your emotions as a mom. Acceptance is really important, and it doesn’t mean that we always like it. If you feel frustrated at your child, notice that feeling and be curious about that feeling. Our frustration with our children often stems from unmet needs from our own childhood. Dr. Becky says,
“The reason that emotions feel overwhelming is because we feel alone in them.”
So acknowledging our emotions in the presence of someone else is the key to working through them. Talking about them and naming them reduces the intensity of the feeling by half the amount.
Written by Mead Reed, MA, LMFT, LPC
mead@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 115
Roswell and Buckhead Locations
Mead’s therapy style emphasizes safety, connection and engagement. Her disarming presence allows her clients to feel at ease as she helps them explore their life story. She encourages clients to name their pain in a way that helps them to be able to bring healing and redemption.