Do you communicate well?
Effective communication is a crucial part of any healthy relationship. The most consistent troublesome issue I see in ineffective communication is the lack of validation and understanding as each partner tries to get their point across. This is certainly understandable. In the midst of a disagreement, couples are desperate to feel heard. Too often in the frantic effort to be heard, they are quick to move past the other person. This leaves them feeling unseen and disconnected. Unfortunately, this leads to a dysfunctional dance of communication. I call this the “Yeah, but…” script.
The Destructive, “Yeah, but…”
The “Yeah, but…” script is a form of defensiveness that seeks to invalidate your partner by providing a counterpoint. “You forgot to bring home milk.” “Yeah, but you said you’d remind me.” “You always bring that up!” “Yeah, but you’ve never apologized for it.” This pattern of conversation leaves everyone feeling hurt and rarely if ever, bears fruit. My hope is to help you and your partner navigate your conversations without them devolving into this pattern by introducing some listening tools and tips.
What is active listening?
The best way to counter the “Yeah, but…” script is by using active listening. Active Listening is a form of communication developed by Carl Rogers and Richard Farson. Their emotion-focused method of validation has stood the test of time. It continues to be the gold standard for building understanding and validation. On paper, it is extremely simple. In practice, it can be very difficult to do.
Basic Active Listening
You begin by identifying a speaker and a listener. The speaker will be communicating their emotions about something using “I feel_____ when_______.” For example, “I feel cherished when you hold me” or “I feel unimportant when you come home from work and immediately turn on the TV.” While the speaker is stating this, the listener should be listening closely because they will need to repeat the emotion and the content back to the speaker. Once the speaker has finished their statement, the listener then repeats what they heard, stating, “you feel_____ when_____.” Listener, you may be tempted to disagree, react, invalidate, counter, or critique the speaker’s statement, but do not do this. You will have a chance to share your thoughts and feelings after the speaker feels understood. So for the above examples, the listener would say, “You feel cherished when I hold you,” or “You feel unimportant when I come home from work and immediately turn on the TV.” This is basic active listening and it is sufficient for some conversations, but I like to take it one step further.
Taking Active Listening a Step Further
In addition to the mirrored repetition of the listener, I also want the listener to make a “That makes sense because _____” statement. This is more difficult than it appears. For the above examples, you might be tempted to simply respond with, “That makes sense because it feels good when someone you care about holds you.” Or “That makes sense because I’m showing you that the T.V. is more important than you.” Now, these are decent answers and they are certainly true. However, they are non-specific and typically fall a bit flat. To make this step really powerful, you must work to really think about the “why.”
Ask, “Why?”
Knowing all that you know about your partner, why would they be bringing this up? Why does it make them feel this way? Perhaps he feels cherished because his mom used to hold him when he was growing up or because no one held him as a child. Perhaps she feels unimportant because her dad would come home from work and turn on the TV before talking to her. Whatever the reason may be, I encourage you to try and dig deeper than a surface response. This is the key to helping your partner feel understood.
Now, once the listener replies and makes their “that makes sense because____” statement, the listener should check to see if the speaker feels understood. Don’t move on until the speaker feels confident in their partner’s understanding of their feelings. This is critical because if you don’t achieve this, the whole exercise will feel ineffective. Once the speaker feels understood, then you may swap roles. At first, this new script may feel awkward or unnatural, but if you trust the process and practice it, like Mr. Miyagi said, “wax on, wax off” in time, you will be able to figure out a natural rhythm that works for you.
A couple of things to consider:
- Speaker keeps it short.
- You have to set aside your own distress while you care for your partner. If you both fight to be the one that is comforted first, neither of you will ever receive the comfort you want.
- Decide beforehand who will begin. You can alternate.
- Do not start this exercise when you are already agitated with one another.
- If either of you notices a defensive “yeah, but” statement, gently pause the conversation and regain control.
- If either or both of you become flooded, pause the conversation. Take a break to do some breathing exercises or muscle relaxation until your heart rate is back down and you are calm.
Finally, this exercise is not about being right or admitting that the other person is right. It is about understanding and comforting one another. It is critical to understand that just because you validate another person’s feelings, it doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. But only when someone feels safe can they move forward with grace.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA MFT, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues, including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.