R.E.S.T. – A Desire to Do Better
R.E.S.T. – Responding or reacting – what’s the difference? IS there a difference? Is it important to differentiate? Yes, it is important for positive change.
A new year is exciting and brings with it a determination to create positive changes to make us better people. We plan things such as eating better, exercising more, keeping a positive attitude, trying new healthy coping skills, not procrastinating, etc., etc. Then, post-holiday reality resumes, with its usual stressors, and the determination and focus to do things better begin to wane as resolutions become hard to maintain. Sometimes, frustration and disappointment build up as we feel that change is hopeless. Often we simply fall into our familiar habits and forget those resolutions until next year. We need to create positive change.
Don’t feel bad. We all do it. And not just with tweaks to our daily routines like adding meditation and self-care time. We do it in situations where remembering to do things differently is critically important to affect positive change in our relationships, our mental health, and our overall well-being.
We are especially prone to forgetting our positive change goals when we are flooded with emotion, but these are the times we especially need to remember to act differently! Emotional reactions are rarely beneficial to our relational, physical, financial, or mental health because they lead us to react impulsively and habitually. This creates negative cycles that we long to change because of the hurt or shame they create in ourselves and others. These emotional reactions often are triggered by the people and things we care about most, which is why we got emotional in the first place! Focusing on those people and things as the reason to stop the cycle will allow you to stop reacting and instead devise thoughtful and intentional responses.
How to Stop Reacting and Start Responding
Set SMART Goals – Positive Change
Changing any behavioral habit is difficult, but not impossible. You must first identify what action/behavior you want to change and decide what alternative action you want to do instead. For example, you may want to stop binge eating and instead limit yourself to a small snack. Begin by setting some goals.
- Be Specific and Measurable about your goal (one bag of single-serving popcorn, one apple, etc.).
- Make the goal Achievable and Realistic as you realize that eliminating a behavior would be almost impossible at the start, but you can work to limit the frequency then work toward total eradication. In the example above, the goal may be to reduce binging from daily to three times a week.
- Finally, make the goal something important and Timely to your life. For example, if you have just been diagnosed with an obesity-related disorder, it is critical to implement diet and activity goals now. Taking that gardening class you had been thinking about would not be as helpful in achieving the immediate health goals.
Take a R.E.S.T.
Remembering that you want to change is equally as important as remembering what change you seek. Often this is the hardest step, especially in those emotional moments. So how do you remember that you planned to do something different when you are tempted to react impulsively and habitually? Take a rest!
R.E.S.T. is an anagram that reminds us to Relax, Evaluate, Set an Intention, and Take Action.
- Relax: Stop whatever you are doing when you feel impulsive or emotional and pause. Take a deep breath, step away from the situation for a couple of seconds (even if just mentally). Just DO NOT act impulsively. This creates a break in the cycle and allows you time to remind yourself not to react automatically and to choose an alternative meaningful action. You can even say “Stop!,”, “Relax!”, or “REST!” out loud if it is more effective.
- Evaluate: Once you’ve relaxed, quickly evaluate the situation. You don’t need to do a comprehensive analysis of why you feel as you do, but do try to get a sense of what is occurring and why you may be reacting as you are. What is happening to you physically, mentally, and emotionally? What are other people around you doing?
- Set an Intention: Based on your evaluation, set an intention. To do this, decide on a plan, target, or goal about what you are going to do. (If it is related to your SMART goals, this is a good time to remember them so you can frame your intention accordingly.) Ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” Do you need to use a coping skill, do problem-solving, use communication skills, or something else? You want to make a choice and choose something healthy that will help you cope with the emotional wave, but know that it doesn’t have to be the best or final solution to the problem. Just make a plan for what you intend to do.
- Take action: Put your plan into action! Take action per your intention, continuing mindfully and purposefully, with an awareness of what you are doing. Again, it may not be the final solution to the problem at hand, but it will likely be a healthier action than any taken while emotionally flooded.
Know that it will take practice to implement this skill, just as breaking any old habit and replacing it with a new one does. Don’t be shy about using reminders such as posting bright colored sticky notes saying “REST!” in areas where you often lose control. Also, R.E.S.T. may have to be used more than once in a situation. As the manual says, “just keep ‘RESTing’ until you feel like the situation is resolved, or until you can effectively get out of the situation.”
When to Use R.E.S.T.
R.E.S.T. can be used in almost any situation, but it is most applicable when you feel an intense negative emotion, especially one that makes you want to avoid something, become aggressive with someone, or do something impulsive. These feelings are red flags that you are facing a choice in how you behave: you will choose to either do what you have always done when stressed, or you’ll remember to break the cycle and purposefully choose to walk toward growth and self-improvement. It is very effective in breaking a self-harming cycle because it allows time to choose a distraction instead of proceeding with self-harming behaviors.
An Example
To illustrate the difference R.E.S.T. can make in a relationship, here is an example of a situation before using the skill and after.
Before R.E.S.T.
A friend recently told the story about her child coming home from school after a long day full of tests. This mom and her child often quarreled about grades, and the mom’s expectations were high. She often thought her child’s grades were not high enough and that she was too interested in her phone (sound familiar?). They would argue passionately about it, with mom eventually taking away the phone and other privileges to “help them focus.” Both ended up feeling angry and disrespected. They also felt disconnected and unhappy as this cycle repeated itself with every quiz, project, and test.
Here’s how an interaction between the two went before the break:
Child (feeling scared and disappointed): “I failed the math test today, Mom.”
Mom (feeling angry): “WHAT?! I told you not to skip yesterday’s help session! Why didn’t you study harder last night? I was available to quiz you if you’d just asked!”
Child (now angry): “I did study! I studied until 2 am, and I thought I understood it. Then, when I looked at the test, it all got jumbled up and I forgot a formula. I tried my best, Mom!”
Mom (frustrated and disrespected): “Well your best wasn’t good enough! Now you’re going to have to do makeup work to pull your grade back up.”
Child (angry and unloved): “All you care about is my grades!”
Mom (flustered and worried): “Your grades are your future! You fail, you don’t go to a good college! You don’t even care how this impacts your future, do you?”
Child: Stomps to the bedroom, slams the door, and cries.
In an effort to establish her power, Mom yells upstairs, “You better be studying for that makeup test!”
Mom reacted impulsively by yelling at her child in an effort to motivate her but instead inflicted guilt and shame. She felt angry and disrespected but later felt ashamed for yelling and wished she had been more compassionate. After all, her child looked exhausted and scared when they came through the front door.
Meanwhile, her child felt frustrated, judged. She felt defeated because Mom didn’t understand that they had worked hard, but the material was very difficult. They resolved to work harder, even giving up extra-curricular activities and some sleep to pore over the book more. Perhaps then, the equations would start to make sense then.
The next morning, they both were tense and even apologized to one another for the hurt they inflicted, but no plan was made for change. So the cycle repeated itself two weeks later when another low grade was received.
After R.E.S.T.
Over the winter break, they talked about how damaging this cycle was to their relationship and determined to do things differently next school semester. Both wanted the other to understand their worries. They wanted to validate their points of view and to feel they were working toward the same goals instead of growing further and further apart. So, the child agreed to stricter screen limits and tutoring, and mom agreed to not yell at every “unacceptable” grade and instead discuss how she can offer help, support, and empathy. Both agreed to stop arguing and hurting one another.
Here’s how an interaction between the two went after the break:
Child (feeling apprehensive): “Mom, I didn’t do well on the math quiz today.”
Mom immediately feels the old anger and fears and wants to yell about the extra time spent on the phone yesterday. (Impulsive reaction)
- R: Instead, she relaxes by taking a deep breath to calm these emotions and to give her a chance to evaluate what her child just told her.
- E: She thinks about their discussion about the difficulty of this unit and how frustrated her child felt about it, but also remembers the tutor’s remarks about her child’s work ethic. She recognizes that she is not actually angry, but afraid this may mean her child won’t progress in math as she needs to if she wants to be an engineer. She also feels frustrated that she has to change her plans to work in an extra tutoring session for her child, something she feels is an inconvenience.
- S: She reminds herself that she doesn’t want to argue or hurt her child and that she intends to support, empathize, and help them so their relationship doesn’t suffer.
- T: Mom responds by saying, “I’m sorry, honey. I know you were working hard to understand those equations. We can schedule an extra session with the tutor if you like.”
Child (surprised and relieved): “Yeah, I felt like I was getting the idea, but I guess I need more help. I thought you’d be mad at me.”
Mom: “I almost was, but then I remembered that we don’t want to get into fights about grades because it makes both of us feel bad. And I remembered that you don’t need me adding any stress to your load and decided to see how I can help instead.”
Child: “Wow, thank you, Mom! You really get that I am trying and want to make you proud. I’m so relieved! Want to get a snack with me before we call the tutor?”
As you can see, Mom’s ability to not react impulsively allowed her to REST and respond thoughtfully and purposefully. This preserved their relationship and even created an opportunity for them to share some quality time. Of course, things may not always play out like this, but they could! And any skill that creates an opportunity to improve yourself and develop relationships is worth the practice and patience.
Happy R.E.S.T.ing!
by Roswell location
paige@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 157
Paige provides a safe and comfortable atmosphere, where clients can explore the challenges they are facing. She also believes in addressing the individual’s entire personhood, assessing needs in all domains of life instead of focusing solely on mental health needs. Paige works with adults and teens around issues of depression, anxiety, mood disorders, relationship issues, trauma, PTSD, and life transitions.
Reference
McKay, M., Wood, J.C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook: Practical DBT exercises for learning mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, emotion regulation, & distress tolerance (2nd edition). Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.