Empowering Parents to Set Healthy Boundaries with Kids
As a parent and a therapist who works with children, I have certainly had challenges when it comes to child behavior. No parent is fully immune to tantrums, meltdowns, misbehavior, or challenges – why? Because children are still “in process.”
Part of what allows our amazing brains to learn complex tasks means that a great amount of neurological work needs to develop outside the womb. I hear parents say, “Oh well, it’s just that their brain isn’t developed,” and so they let misbehavior go – but this is not how our brains were designed! Our brains are designed to learn and our job as parents is to shepherd that process. Parents must teach, demonstrate, care, protect, love, and yes, limit our little people so they can grow into confident and competent big people!
I believe that parents today are generally more empathic and aware of their children’s mental health than ever before. Yet, I also see these wonderful parents struggling with how to set limits. Few boundaries can lead to frustrating behavior. This often leads to resentment, anger, lashing out, and eventually, guilt. Parents then compensate and give in even more. This becomes a cycle that no one feels good about.
This article is about the middle ground – it’s using the skills of empathy and understanding while not allowing your child or their emotions to rule. It’s setting limits with love.
The Foundation
The foundation of any structure needs to be secure. Security for a child is love and positive attention. Children need your positive attention, away from your computer or phone. Children need your attention outside of your directions, instructions, questions, and corrections. This is the first step but also the constant step of any parenting method. When the secure foundation is not there, setting limits WILL be harder.
Misunderstanding Limits
Setting limits does NOT mean you have to yell, scream, or impose harsh discipline. Setting limits can involve empathy, listening, and validating their feelings. You can assertively set a limit and then follow it up with empathic language. For example, saying to a child “I’m sorry, I wish you could have dessert tonight, but you chose not to eat your dinner. I know tomorrow you’ll make a different choice,” can be followed up with validation of their frustration or anger.
Just because you understand and empathize with someone does NOT mean you agree. It does NOT mean you have to give in to them or not give a consequence. When we set boundaries, it helps us remain calmer and helps children feel they can predict and understand their world.
Why Limits Matter
Setting limits and boundaries with kids is helpful from infancy through adulthood. Having a teen who responds well (not perfectly) to limits involves strategies you used when they were young. Children who have a lot of love, warmth, and positive attention in their home AND responsibility, boundaries, and consequences for their actions emerge as more secure, confident, competent, emotionally stable, and socially skilled. When we overdo one (limits or love) without the other, the balance is disrupted and children can become angry, entitled, insecure, irresponsible, and emotionally reactive, whether we are overly harsh or overly permissive.
Setting Up for Success
Before you go through the tips below, ask yourself, “What am I already doing WELL as a parent?” Reflect on that question… you are doing many things well, remember that! Parents are FULL of guilt, so focus on a couple of things you are going to do MORE. Where can you be MORE consistent? Do not beat yourself up for not being a “perfect parent,” or try to restructure everything all at once! Be realistic with yourself. We will fail at most of these tips at some point in our parenting journey – keep moving forward! Dust it off and try again!
The Basics
Expectations for behavior should be realistic. We should expect our children to sometimes behave AND sometimes misbehave. Tell your child what the expectations are and give them examples of when they did WELL previously. For example, “I loved it the last time we visited Gigi, you just listened and helped her in the kitchen. I know she appreciated that, do you think you could do that today?” Limits should be clear, consistent, natural, or logical, developmentally appropriate, and flexible. Work to collaborate and give some choices when possible.
Meeting Bio/Psycho/Social Needs
Children need adequate movement, healthy food, play, age-appropriate responsibility, socializing, attention, rest, and love. When there is a breakdown in emotions/behavior – these are good areas to start tweaking!
Watch Overscheduling
We seem to be supersizing activities, whether it’s academics, sports, or arts. Our kids have moved from healthy exploration to always pursuing the “next level” in every activity. Guess what? It is causing many to burn out mentally, physically, and emotionally. Our kids may “love” all their activities, but they need breaks, they need unstructured play to learn, and they need connection with you. It’s not life or death to occasionally miss an activity to take care of their mental, physical, or emotional health. Say “no” to the good to make room for the great. If an activity regularly results in stress, meltdowns, or challenges for YOU or THEM, it’s time to re-think the importance of that activity – even if it seems worth it.
Be Proactive
Being proactive means anticipating pitfalls. Look at the week’s activity load before the week starts. Busy week? Create a plan to make easy meals, and have equipment pre-packed, or snacks handy. Teach your children HOW to be proactive and teach them good habits by letting them do these things with you. Example: “This week is going to be tricky because you and your sister have tests and games. What can we all do to make it easier?”
Expect the Best
Not every 2-year-old will be “terrible”, nor will every teen. It is not helpful for your child to regularly hear about the negative “phase” they are going through. Look for the positives in each stage. Expect that your child can learn positive behavior and look for it.
Teach, Show, and Model
Children learn from watching others. This is both positive and negative. Your speech, behavior, and tone matter. Who and what they are watching matters. Positive behavior needs to be modeled for children. They need you to point out when they are showing the behavior you want to see. For example, “I liked hearing please when you asked me for a drink!” Role-play games can help to show them the expectation of the behavior you want to see. Model for them how you manage your feelings. For example, “I’ve had a stressful day at work today. I need to just take a minute to clear my head, so I’m going outside to walk around for a few minutes.” Or, “I’m feeling nervous about this meeting, so I’m going to take a deep breath and tell myself it’s going to be okay.”
Allow a Redo
Not every negative behavior needs a consequence. Give your child a chance to fix some behaviors. For example, “I don’t like it when you snap at me, please try again.” Or tell them to walk back outside and come back in differently. If they won’t, they may need a consequence – or a break.
After School Give a Pause
When you come home from work, would you want to have your spouse give you a list of to-dos or ask a bunch of questions? This is how we behave towards our kids when they walk in the door. Provide some quiet on the car ride home or to practice. They need it. This is especially important for teens.
Practice What You Preach
Self-awareness is critical as a parent. Are you having trouble with your child’s tone or words? How is your tone to your spouse, them, or others? What are they overhearing you say? Are you constantly on your phone and getting angry at your teen for the same? Do you preach about the importance of family and bash your parents? Are you lecturing your child about virtues only to be faulty on your own? Do you apologize and admit when you’ve messed up? It is harsh but true – your kids are watching more than you think they are. They are always learning, and WE are their first and primary models!
Regulate Tech Use
Children need to LEARN to entertain themselves, to create, to problem-solve their boredom, and to feel their emotions. Their bodies are captivated by small screens, and we believe this “helps” with their behavior. Yet, what may happen is a lack of tolerance for discomfort when they are unable to be distracted by a screen. If you NEED your child to sit, I suggest watching old-fashioned TV, which is less neurologically captivating. It allows a child to wiggle their bodies, which is good. They can watch with others, or snuggle with you. It also allows for more sensory inputs than a smaller screen, which is wonderful for their developing brains. Help TEACH your children to brainstorm what to do when bored or uncomfortable, and avoid tech use in the car to help build up a tolerance for boredom. Keep tech out of bedrooms and monitor your own use.
Avoiding Accidental Rewards
Frequently, parents accidentally “reward” misbehavior or provide a hidden payoff. This could be extra time or attention from a parent, laughter from others, not getting to do something they don’t want to do, or receiving material rewards too frequently.
Re-evaluate Rules
Different seasons of growth and development mean changes in expectations, responsibility, and freedoms. It’s okay to make tweaks along the way!
Remember that these tips are designed for you to look at what you are doing well, where you can lean into that, and where you should tweak. It is best when we start with a few small “doable” goals, rather than try to change everything.
Parenting can be amazingly rewarding but also challenging – if you need support in your parenting process, the counselors at Restoration Counseling of Atlanta would love to partner with you!
Written by Lauren Hamrick, MS, EdS, LPC, RPT, CPCS
lauren@restorationcounselingatl.com
Roswell Location
Lauren is an active, educationally focused therapist who enjoys using both evidence-based and out-of-the-box approaches with children and adults. Lauren is also a registered play therapist. She listens to the interests, knowledge, and experience of her clients and incorporates them into her therapeutic approaches. Areas of focus include career-related stress, anxiety, PTSD, young adult issues, life transitions, abuse recovery, parenting, and family therapy. Lauren also enjoys working with couples who are dealing with parenting issues or are empty nesters.