Is everyone else more satisfied?
Only 38-42% of women are satisfied with their sex life, and while that number increases slightly in men, the fact remains that most people aren’t “fully satisfied” with their sex life. Around 54% of men and 42% of women want sex more frequently and often cite “busyness” as getting in the way. Dr. Amy Muise explains, “the more sex people reported, the happier they felt.” (Her study goes on to say that once per week is the key threshold for improving happiness.) If so many people want sex more often and more sex means more happiness, what is the issue? I believe the core issue is that couples don’t do the necessary work to build intimacy, creating an environment where sexual intimacy can feel safe and desirable.
Building Real Connection
One of the dangers I regularly see with my clients is an overemphasis on sex as a means of connection. I get it. Sex can undoubtedly help make you feel closer to one another. It releases oxytocin, which creates feelings of trust and bonding. However, sex isn’t meant to carry the weight of a relationship, and I strongly encourage you to stay away from duty sex. By this, I mean checking the box, scheduling something just to maintain a minimum. Too often, I see this turn into lifeless sex that leaves everyone dissatisfied.
Touching is Key
It is no coincidence that the bible uses the garden as its primary metaphor for sexuality. Gardens must be shown proper care and regular attention; only then will they produce. Sexuality is similar. Only when the relationship is given appropriate care and regular attention, will sexual intimacy be as satisfying as it can be. Clifford and Joyce Penner say that cultivating a healthy environment for good sex is an “all day, everyday process”.
Virginia Satir, the mother of family therapy, said, “we need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” If you see where I’m going with this, my first encouragement is more non-sexual touch. This is especially true for men. If you’ve ever heard, “you just want sex” or your wife pulls back from your touch, then try to incorporate 12 non-sexual touches per day. This is critical if you are going to show her that you want to connect to and honor her.
Consider Changing the Focus
One thing I encourage my clients to try is an orgasm ban. This may sound scary, but I have seen it work time and time again. Instead of focusing on orgasm, you commit to focusing on intimacy. (I go into this a bit more in my article, Three Misconceptions About Sex.) But my encouragement is to move away from an emphasis on intercourse and orgasm. Spend a night giving each other massages, (feel free to watch a YouTube video beforehand to get some ideas), cuddle up naked, and simply enjoy skin-to-skin contact while you talk about your favorite memories together. Make out under the covers. Do a strip tease. Give each other a facial (again when in doubt: Youtube). Caress each other as you meditate on sensation and being with each other.
Benefits of a Change in Focus
Trust me, I understand that this may feel counterintuitive, but removing the option for orgasm has several benefits. First, it removes the pressure on performance. Erectile dysfunction and an inability to orgasm can’t rob your relationship of joy if they are off the table. Beyond that, you can focus on connecting and caring for your partner. Finally, my clients often describe their sexual encounters as quick and unfulfilling. Most women need at least 15 minutes to become aroused. So, start building your repertoire of foreplay.
A Challenge for all Couples
I want to leave you with a challenge. Whether you have a healthy sex life or a struggling one, I want to take Paul’s exhortation around sex literally. He says, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.” My challenge is simple, try one month without orgasm. Treat this month like you are dating again–nervous about “going too far” and trying to maintain certain boundaries in physical intimacy.
- The first week you are only allowed to hug and hold hands. Sensate focus on the hands is also allowed.
- The second week you can incorporate kissing and massage. No touching of anything covered by underwear.
- The third week you are allowed to make out, fondle breasts and stuff on top of clothing.
- The final week you can do everything except intercourse, and if you both agree. you can incorporate orgasm back into your relationship.
Pray
I encourage you to devote yourselves to prayer during this month. Believe it or not, God wants you to have an amazing sex life. I believe that sex is meant to be a physical manifestation of the emotional and spiritual intimacy you and your spouse are experiencing. When it is put into its proper order, it can be a beautiful, even supernatural, experience.
Admittedly, this is not an exhaustive discussion on the various issues around sexuality. If you have experienced sexual trauma, are regularly experiencing sexual pain, are struggling with addiction, or can’t break free from unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I strongly recommend that you work with a sex therapist. You were made for freedom; please do not acquiesce to a life of mediocrity, disconnection, and shame.
For further information consider reading:
- The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire
- Come As You Are by Emily-Nagoski
- She Comes First by Ian Kerner
References:
- Sexual and relationship satisfaction among heterosexual men and women: the importance of desired frequency of sex. J Sex Marital Ther. 2011;37(2):104-15.
- HealthyWomen/Lippe Taylor Women’s Health Behavior Index 2015
- The Way to Love Your Wife by Clifford and Joyce Penner
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA, LAMFT
Roswell and Buckhead locations
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle works with individuals, couples, and families experiencing various issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues, including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church.