By: Jennifer Stuckert, MA MFT, LPC and Jonathan Stuckert, Ed. D.
There are many places in life where competition is welcome, celebrated, encouraged and even helpful. But, marriage is not one of them. When competition becomes one of your key outlooks on marriage you will unknowingly trade it for safety and security. This may not seem like a big deal at first. But, an enduring Godly marriage requires these qualities. Across time a healthy couple bestows these things to one another but, that is not possible if there is a spirit of competition.
When one partner sets themselves against the other, even in jest, the end result is typically scrutiny, uncertainty, and criticism. These are not very positive words. Sometimes this starts from a good place when a couple wants to be playful and tease one another. Then by all means be playful, but encourage one another’s strengths. However, be careful not to one up the other person.
If you find yourself drawn to competing with your spouse, then it may be good to ask yourself a few key questions. Do you feel ok about yourself? Do you need to gain strength or superiority over your spouse or others in order to feel you have worth or meaning? Are you critical of others while advancing yourself? Did your family model this destructive habit?
Sometimes we add unwitting players to the game. Then our spouses find themselves competing against the idealization of these powerful figures. This is a game that cannot be won! It occurs because these key figures leave strong and enduring marks on our life and perspective. It is not fair to ask our spouse to be measured against these individuals. Better, focus on your spouse’s strengths and contributions rather than a fanciful figure from your childhood.
Regardless of with whom you compete the result is a loss of satisfaction and happiness in your relationship. Competition does not serve marriage. Take an inventory of yourself, your perspective on marriage and your past family model. In the end, you will be glad you did.