Imagine sailing out on the open seas for a long voyage and leaving shore with a beautiful destination in store. Hopes are high for the fulfilling adventure ahead. Then choppy seas, thunderstorms, and debris inevitably arise. Are you navigating your way by simply avoiding obstacles or by sticking to a clearly defined route with purpose?
There is a daily temptation for fear to hijack decision-making. Fear-based decisions are influenced by anxiety or avoidance. Avoidance due to fear of failure or the unknown can actually lead to missed opportunities for growth and learning. Shifting focus from what we want to avoid to what we want to move toward can create a clearer path with developed character and fuller hope.
In parenting, the pop-up thunderstorms occur daily. The destination, or goal of cultivating Godly humans, feels far off and allusive. How could a map for that even exist? We seek to parent as God parents us, with grace and clear guidance. Determining our core values is essential to mapping decision-making in a way that feels authentic, Christ-centered, and purposeful. We are at risk of parenting out of fear if we do not already have established and clearly-communicated tenets of our faith steering us. Values represent deeply held beliefs (e.g., humility, generosity, integrity, virtue, compassion) that dictate what is important, rather than just what is easy or desirable in the moment. As believers, our core values should showcase a deeper alignment with His character.
Identify Family Values
Take time to select your family values as a team! Giving children autonomy and voice to choose or vote for their top choices gives them buy-in to future decision-making. First, Google a values sheet. Have each family member select their top choices in character traits most meaningful to them as an individual. If you have littles, perhaps select a top ten, and narrow it down to five together. Vote or discuss until the family has selected the top 5 core values. This is an excellent exercise in family openness, communication, and compromise. Prioritize these values, post them up on a wall, and check if a decision supports your chosen principles before taking action.
Acting according to our valued beliefs creates a sense of wholeness and consistency between belief and behavior. It also shifts our mindset to a more eternal perspective. For the purpose of this article, I’ll use the fruit of the Spirit to encapsulate a family value system for decision-making. Using values of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control as described in Galatians 5:22-23 to anchor decision-making.
Values in Action
When my ten-year-old tells me she wants a cell phone because everyone else in her class has one, a fear-response is: my kid is left out. I don’t want my child to be excluded or hate me for being the only kid without a phone. She needs a phone to fit in.
Instead, use your family value system to process through decision-making aloud with your child. We value love, peace, and patience. Yes, there is the possibility of you gaining access to connection with friends through owning a phone, and that promotes joy and love! However, we have a house phone for you to use for connecting with others. A cell phone does not align with our value of peace. There is too much access to information available, and a cell phone offers much distraction from a peaceful mind or heart. It can also lead to temptations that will challenge self-control. Keep being patient and there will be a day when a cell phone is in alignment with our family values.
Your family’s values may differ from the ones chosen for this article, and thus your decision may be different. That’s ok! It’s also a good reminder for our children to acknowledge other family’s values will be different from our own. As long as your choices reflect the heart of your values, you are on the right path. Your decision is rooted in Godly principles, not your fear of your kid being mad at you.
Outcomes Foster Safety and Connection
When we parent with consistent values that echo Christ’s character, we offer more predictable boundaries for our children, cultivating safety. This approach results in higher confidence, deeper fulfillment, and a reduction in regret, even if the outcome is difficult.
In Matthew 5:37, Jesus instructs us to “let your yes be yes, and your no be no.” Being a parent of steadfast integrity is a powerful trait to model and facilitates a secure attachment with our children. Notice anxiety, but do not let it captain the ship. We, as parents, must be sturdy anchors for our children. This requires our own self-regulation in moments of distress. By pausing and talking through decision-making, we show our children how to make thoughtful choices, avoid impulsivity, and create a source of meaningful purpose as a child of God!
Written by: Katharine LeCraw, MA
katharine@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 120
Katharine LeCraw is a trauma-informed therapist eager to complete deep work with clients that promotes the healing of core wounds and spiritual freedom. With training in IFS, CBT, Child-Centered Play Therapy, Somatic Experiencing, and Person-Centered Therapy, Katharine utilizes a multi-modal therapeutic approach in order to provide the best care for her clients. Katharine works with a diverse population of clientele with a special focus on parenting issues, child and teen therapy, anxiety disorders, burnout, sexual trauma, core wounding, and attachment issues.