“Of course that happened! I’m not good enough, remember?!”
“I messed this family time up again, like always!”
“Don’t answer that question in front of everyone. I’m not smart enough.”
“Oh, don’t think about that. It’s always devastating when I think about that.”
Have you ever noticed how many times in a day thoughts like these shoot through your mind like an arrow darting through a dark forest? Thoughts are powerful and have the ability to build up and break down. They need investigation, like Sherlock Holmes magnifying evidence, to solve the next mystery appearance of Moriarty. Inside our heads, thoughts and emotions can bring us to crippling places of distress. Putting these thoughts on trial holds them accountable for all the claims they attempt to make rather than letting them float aimlessly in our minds.
Below, I have outlined one way that you can give language to your inner experience so that you do not walk around condemned by unhelpful self-talk. Before using this Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) tool*, it is helpful to grab a feelings wheel and a journal so that you can name specific emotions and have a space to write down your findings. This builds awareness and helps you get the thoughts out of the darkness and under the microscope to conduct a fair trial, of course. From there, you can engage in asking a series of questions to get a better understanding of what is happening or, Get the Bigger Picture.
Get the Bigger Picture
Step One
Name what happened that brought on a specific emotion or thought. This is typically a situation that you experienced or anticipate experiencing. This can also be a memory or something that happened in the past.
My friend didn’t call me back when she said she would.
Step Two
Write down the specific emotions and thoughts that resulted from the situation. Thoughts and emotions greatly impact one another, so it is helpful to name these very specifically to get them out of the darkness inside your head and to give you specific language to understand.
I’m not worth it to people. I feel sad, angry, and disappointed.
Step Three
Gather the evidence that supports the thought you wrote down in step two. This step might feel easy because you find it more natural to gravitate towards negative beliefs about yourself.
No one remembers to call me back. I am not a thought to others because my friend made no effort to call me back.
Step Four
Once you have identified the evidence that supports the thought you are having, then you need to find evidence that contradicts the thought. Imagine what a best friend or trusted person who loves you would say during this step. Because this step is usually new, it is important to give yourself a few minutes to gather this evidence.
My friend called me yesterday when she said she would call. My friend asked me for advice yesterday when she called.
Step Five
Finally, after you have engaged in all of the steps above, put all of the gathered information together. What is the bigger picture, and what does moving forward look like after investigating the information?
I feel sad that my friend didn’t call me back. Maybe there is a reason she didn’t call me back. I’m going to call and see what she’s up to.
The hope of using DBT skills like this one is that you will bring less negative self-talk and more choice in your actions. Like any skill, putting thoughts on trial or Getting the Bigger Picture takes practice. You can practice naming feelings and becoming aware of thoughts by using a feelings wheel and journaling for self-reflection.
As I’ve written in my bio, creating space and helping people find language to understand their inner world is something I love about my job in this field. If anything in this article resonated with you, please feel free to reach out to me.
*This tool was developed by DBT practitioners to help teens and adults begin to put their thoughts on trial by testing the evidence to see if the thought is accurate or if it is filtered through a lens of negativity. If you are interested in learning more about DBT tools, here is where you can find the book which includes this tool.
References
McKay, M., Wood, J.C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation & Distress Tolerance (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications Inc.
by Samantha Mathews, MA, APC, NCC, CMHC
Woodstock location
samantha@restorationcounselingatl.com
Samantha works with individuals of all ages. She wants to help create space and language for what you may be going through in life. Samantha sees individuals dealing with ADHD, anxiety, depression, gender issues, grief, postpartum depression, and trauma. She also does premarital and marital counseling.