Within the context of marriage, sex is designed to be the fruit of a healthy relationship. It is meant to serve as a physical expression of the emotional and spiritual intimacy fostered between a husband and a wife. However, for many couples, their sex life has been more bad than good. This can be due to a variety of reasons, such as lack of communication, unrealized expectations, differences in sexual desire, or past trauma. Regardless of the cause, it is necessary for couples to address this issue if the desire exists, or is mutual, to strengthen the relationship and achieve a more fulfilling sex life.
If the underlying issue is related to past trauma, I recommend that couples seek professional counseling. A therapist can provide guidance and support toward working through the emotional and psychological aspects of trauma and can help couples develop coping strategies and tools for healing. Specifically, I would strongly encourage one or both of them to consider EMDR therapy. Talk therapy isn’t enough for healing trauma, but EMDR is the gold standard for treating and overcoming it.
While I would be remiss to neglect encouraging you and your spouse to improve your emotional and spiritual intimacy, I’m going to assume that isn’t the core issue. If it is, I’d encourage you to consider reading some of our other articles, reading through How We Love and completing the accompanying workbook together, seeing a therapist, or connecting with a local church group. With this assumption, I want to continue by offering some practical tips.
I want you and your spouse to push back against some well-meaning but misinformed teachings from much of the church about sex. (For more detailed information, consider reading The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Gregoire). The goal is to reclaim a vision for healthy, free, safe, and fun sexuality. Here are three encouragements for you both; there is a bit of stereotyping here, but they are valuable in any relationship.
Three Encouragements
To the couple:
Stop having sex until you can figure out the problem together.
To the wife:
Vow against having duty sex and speak openly about feeling pressured to have sex.
To the husband:
Stop believing that your wife will only have sex with you if you demand it.
What To Do
First, stop having sex until you can figure out the problem together. This might sound harsh, but continuing to have sex out of duty or when it is painful will likely cause more harm than good. Sex can be wonderful, or it can be unfulfilling, disappointing, and even hurtful. Have you ever had a bad apple? Mealy, rotten, or heaven forbid, housing a worm? If you’d only ever had bad apples, you would assume that apples are terrible and would likely avoid them in every situation. Now, have you ever had a great apple? Sweet, crispy, juicy, with peanut butter or caramel? Good apples are wonderful, and you’d likely have one a day if delicious apples were guaranteed. I believe apples are like sex. If you only experience disappointing sex, you will very likely avoid it at all costs. So please, stop adding negative experiences of sexuality to your sample size.
Second, to wives, for some of you, there is an insidious and suffocating belief that if your husband’s desire for sex is greater than yours (only true for about 75% of couples), you are required to satisfy his “needs” with obligatory sex. I promise you; your husband doesn’t just want sex for his own sake. He wants to feel desired; he wants to feel wanted, sexy, and powerful. The danger of allowing sexual rhythms which reinforce this belief to become established is that it doesn’t provide an environment for natural sexual desire to build within a woman. Women must feel free and unpressured, pursued, loved, and cherished, but also completely safe to say no to sex. In addition, to avoiding duty sex, it is critical that you share with your husband when you feel uncomfortable pressure from him. He may not be aware that you are feeling this, and if the two of you are going to change the spiral of sexual pressure which leads to unwanted sex, you must begin talking about it.
Third, husbands, I want you to understand that your wife can develop receptive and even spontaneous sexual desire for you in the right context. Many men secretly fear that if they don’t demand it or, at the very least, schedule it, it won’t happen. Unfortunately, this fear, combined with a lack of emotional vulnerability, leads to insecurity which is likely to be covered by demand or anger. Fight for something better than rote sex.
In conclusion, it is essential for couples to address their unsatisfactory sex life in order to strengthen their emotional and physical intimacy. It is important to challenge misinformed teachings about sex that can create unhealthy dynamics within a relationship. Couples should strive for healthy, safe, and enjoyable sexuality. Practical tips like increasing communication, avoiding duty sex, and creating a safe space for natural sexual desire to develop can help couples achieve a more fulfilling sex life. Finally, if it feels overwhelming to try to do these things on your own, seek out professional help.
Contact us to make an appointment or if you have questions.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, MA, LAMFT
Roswell and Buckhead locations
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle is trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing various issues, including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also provides marriage and premarital counseling and has completed EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) training.