In the busyness of life, it can feel nearly impossible to prioritize a healthy amount of time for your marriage. Between kids, work, and other responsibilities, trying to plan even a simple dinner together can feel overwhelming. A couple from Washington state has recognized this issue. They decided to work to help other couples pursue healthier relationships through a simple and practical method.
The Gottman Institute, founded by John and Julie Gottman, is an organization that seeks to merge cutting-edge research with therapeutic excellence and provides couples with practical steps to improve their marriages. They assert that healthy relationships all have three key components: friendship/intimacy, constructive conflict, and shared meaning. It is crucial for couples to understand that these three components each impact one another. Therefore, each must be given sufficient attention in the relationship. In this article, I want to talk about the first one and a simple way to enhance your marriage.
Friendship/Intimacy
For most of you, when you and your spouse first started dating, conversations were easy, responsibilities comparatively low, and connecting felt simple and fun. There is so much to learn about one another. It feels as if every new fact is a beautiful insight into your partner’s world. Over time, the sheen of that phase begins to fade as you start thinking that you know all there is to know about your spouse. Conversations late into the night are gradually replaced with work projects and dirty diapers.
The Gottmans explain that what couples naturally do when they date is build a “Love Map” of their significant other. This is an intimate knowledge of their inner world. Their inner world can include things such as the way they like their coffee to their closest friends to their favorite way to cuddle to their secret hopes and dreams.
As the years continue in your marriage, it is easy to forget little details of your spouse, and you don’t know what you don’t know.
The Tool
In response to this, the Gottmans have created a wonderful app that helps you uncover what you have forgotten or never knew. It is called the Gottman Card Decks, available on iOS and Android. It’s also completely free!
I encourage you to download it now, find the Love Maps deck, and flip through it. The next step is to work with your spouse to figure out a time to build up your Love Maps. You could plan a dinner together or simply agree on a time when the kids are asleep and you can have the couch to yourselves.
A couple of quick guidelines: as competitive as you may be, I encourage you not to keep score as you use the app. Remember that the goal is intimacy and connection. If someone doesn’t know an answer, gracefully tell them the answer and move on.
Closing Thoughts
I believe this tool is most effective when you can give each other undivided attention. Turn the TV off, kids out of the picture, and dedicate at least 20 minutes to the activity. If possible, it is a wonderful dinner activity. You place the phone on the table and take turns swapping questions as you enjoy your meal. This tool can provide an easy way to start the process of reconnecting with your significant other.
Written by: Kyle Sussenbach, LAMFT
Roswell location
kyle@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 117
Kyle was trained to work with individuals, couples, and families experiencing a wide range of issues including depression, anxiety, addictions, anger, suicidality, and relational distress. He also pursued further training related to sexual issues including shame, dysfunction, addiction, paraphilia, and trauma.
He is certified in PREPARE/ENRICH and is a Level 2 Gottman Method Couples Therapist. His primary focus is working with couples through relational and sexual difficulties. He is passionate about marriage and its purpose in sanctifying the couple and illustrating the relationship between Christ and the Church