Experiencing the Miracle of Jean Valjean, Scrooge, and the Grinch
We love stories of those who have been freed from anger and bitterness. From Jean Valjean in Les Misérables to Ebenezer Scrooge to the Grinch, we are moved by the miraculous thought of a softening heart. It’s simply beautiful.
But could release from anger be your story? I believe the answer is yes. So, let’s talk about how.
To start, it’s important to say that anger is not always wrong. It motivates us to fight injustice and protect the vulnerable. However, if not stewarded carefully, anger can paradoxically make us the perpetrators of injustice. And, if left unchecked, it can spiritually deform you, destroying your life and your relationships along the way. That’s why it’s important to deal with your anger problem if you have one.
In this article, we’ll explore how an angry person can be transformed into a gentle, kind, and peaceful person. Whether you have an explosive temper or quietly hold onto grudges, if you struggle with anger, this one is for you.
So, here are 6 ways to become a non-angry person:
Admit the Problem
You’ll never truly overcome your anger problem until you admit you have a problem and that you need help. No blaming other people. No justifications. If you’re not willing to do that, proceed at your own peril, because any changes you make will be built on a shaky foundation. Full, unmitigated honesty—without any excuse-making—is the only foundation on which deep, lasting transformation can stand.
A full admission of anger may look like this: “I have an anger problem. It’s damaging my soul, hurting others, and grieving God’s Spirit. This is a character flaw, and I accept full ownership of it. I can’t fix it alone, so I humbly accept help from God and the body of Christ.”
Practice Self-Awareness
If anger is a problem, you probably feel like it builds unconsciously, and you respond angrily without thinking, almost as if you’re on autopilot. So, you’ll need to increase your level of self-awareness with deliberate practice. When your anger is triggered, practice noticing and naming the feeling and interrupting the automatic escalation process. Pause, and say to yourself, “I’m angry. I should slow down.”
Practice Dependence and Surrender
In our anger, we’re often tempted to take matters into our own hands, but this is spiritual hubris. Instead, you must learn to depend on God and surrender to him, even when you’re angry. Whenever you notice anger, practice immediately turning to God for help. Pray a simple prayer like, “God, I’m angry. I can’t trust my own wisdom, and I surrender to yours. Please help me.”
Step Away and Regulate
If you fear your anger isn’t under control and you have an opportunity to step away, do it. If possible, remove yourself from the triggering situation, and ideally, do something calming. Take a walk. Breathe deeply. Stretch. Alternately, you can try channeling your energy into a more intense activity, like running or lifting weights. But remember, you’re not stepping away from the situation in order to stew on it. You’re stepping away to give your body time to calm down, so don’t use this time to indulge your angry fantasies.
Check the Story
Anger is a master storyteller, but not such a good truth-teller. If you struggle with anger, you’re likely forgetting to question and examine the stories it tells you. It tells you stories about the uncaring, malicious motivations of others, stories of self-superiority, and the story that you alone must enact justice. Your new orientation toward these stories should be skepticism—not because these stories are never true, but because the cost of believing them blindly is the loss of your peace and your closest relationships.
Identify the Emotion Behind the Anger
Usually, behind anger lies a more vulnerable emotion. You’re angry that your spouse spoke to you rudely, but beneath the anger, you’re afraid of losing a secure attachment with them. You’re angry that your boss hasn’t given you a promotion, but beneath the anger, you’re sad that your life and career aren’t matching your dreams. Maybe you’re even angry at God for the suffering in your life, but beneath the anger is fear that he might not love you.
Identify the primary emotions behind your anger, and speak to them. What is the message you need to soothe your fear, sadness, or grief?
To regulate your anger, don’t just tell yourself, “It’s wrong to lash out.” When appropriate, also remind yourself that you are safe and loved—especially if you struggle with attachment issues or hyper-vigilance.
Looking Ahead
These first practices help interrupt anger before it gains control. But stopping the cycle is only the beginning.
In Part 2, we’ll explore the deeper work of transformation through acceptance, humility, forgiveness, prayer, healing old wounds, and learning to trust God’s justice.
Jon Hunt enjoys working with teens, adults, and couples on issues including ADHD, anger, anxiety, panic attacks, and phobias, depression and suicidality, grief and trauma, insomnia, marital and premarital needs, pornography and behavioral addictions, and substance addictions. Jon uses insights from evidence-based therapeutic approaches but always stays grounded in the truth of God’s word.
jon@restorationcounselingatl.com, ext. 123